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Just when I thought things were getting better...

blessedwithstress's picture

Last week was a tough one. We spent the better part of the week either fighting, being snippy, or not speaking at all. Or in my DHs case, pretending like everything was unicorns and rainbows. Fast foward to last night and things were significantly better. Everything was out in the open. We did a lot of talking, though the conversation went in directions I didn't expect, but ultimately we're in a better place. I didn't have to drop the BKs did that for not so many words. It was both awkward and a little funny. Suffice it to say, the seed has been planted in DHs mind that maybe I mean business and I didn't even have to make the threat myself.


Let me fill in some back story before we get started. BS4 had a sleep study last night. He snores like a lumberjack and we suspect sleep apnea. I spent the night with him at the hospital while DH stayed home with BS6 and the skids. Skids weren't home when I left last night because SD17 was at work (she got a JOB! HALLELUJAH!) and SS16 was at a cross country team event. Whatever. 

So we get home at the wee hour of 6:30am and I march right into the bedroom to start getting ready for work. DH follows and says in hushed tones "So, SD17 came home late last night and we had a talk. She told me her schedule for the next few weeks. We're basically not going to see her because she's so busy." Whoop-dee doo. Tell somebody who gives a sh*t.

But then he drops the bomb.

SD17 has decided that she wants to try for homecoming court. If she gets nominated that means a wildly more expensive dress and that DH will need to attend the homecoming game to escort her onto the field.

Guess what else happens to be the night of homecoming?

A concert that we've been planning to see for MONTHS. I bought tickets for DH to see Eric Church for his birthday - at HIS request. We rented a hotel. We made reservations at a fancy restaurant that I've been begging to go every year since we got married. He agreed because it just happens to be in the same town as the concert. I can cancel the hotel without a pentalty but the tickets are non-transferable. Either we use them or they were a waste of $160. 

Might I be getting worked up over something that won't come to fruition? Possibly. But SD17 managed to become student council president just by walking around the halls for one day and saying 'vote for me'. I'm a little concerned that she could win this contest too and f*ck us all sideways. Her stepdad could walk her out onto the field easily enough but I doubt that DH is going to let the man his ex cheated on him with do that. Especially when it is SD17s senior year and this is one of many last chances to do sh*t while she's still in HS. 

My rant is selfish. I get it. But I'm so tired of the skids plans f*cking things up for us. DH might be willing to martyr himself for their happiness but I sure as hell am not.



futurobrillante99's picture

When do you get to be first on his list? When does he say NO to his kids to save his marriage?

Siemprematahari's picture

Has he decided if he's going to break plans for his birthday or walk his daughter for home coming?

blessedwithstress's picture

I have a feeling if it comes down to it, he will break his birthday plans. The princess comes first.

Siemprematahari's picture

If he breaks his birthday plans will you go anyway? I think I would or take a friend in his place.

blessedwithstress's picture

Oh yes. I will likely still go even though Eric Church is not my thing. His music still has a lot more substance than most of the bullsh*t bro-country that is popular right now. Already asked another friend who agreed to step up. Our littles will probably stay at home with my MIL. We hadn't really worked out who would watch them overnight yet.

Gimlet's picture

I would sell the tickets and cancel everything else either way.  When you're strapped for cash because your husband can't follow a budget, and then he doubles down by not being able to commit to your plans, I'm not sure why you would treat him to a concert, nice hotel, and fancy dinner.  Either that or go with a friend if that's what YOU want to do, but I would make sure it's off the table for your husband.

I have yet to see this man tighten his belt to take care of your mutual kids.  

AlmostGone83's picture

Country concerts can get pretty wild... who knows what could happen. I say go looking like the sexiest, singlest woman there. Leave DuH home to take Princess Cinderella to the ball. Oh and even if it falls through tell him sorry, you’ve made other plans now.

STaround's picture

1.  You have two stepkids who seem like good kids.  Both in band, one president of the Student Council and working PT.

2.  You complain about money, but want to spend 500 on DHs Birthday?


On my 5th anniversary, we were strapped for cash.  I cooked dinner and we had inlaws and a few others over.   I think being part of a parent is settling example.  If everyone has to economise, so be it.  YOu say he wanted this blow out Bday event, but you are the one who keeps an eye on money.   he wanted the concert, you wanted the dinner.   I know this is not easy, but when kids see adults spending money freely, they think they should get school related stuff. 




GoingWicked's picture

I don’t think they should have to take out of their anniversary to pay for a 17 year old’s car insurance and prom dress.  Sorry but the kid wants this stuff, wants being the key word here, she needs to get herself a job and pay for it.

STaround's picture

Do you think that many teens have jobs where they can pay car insurance and prom dress?    This is DHs birthday.  Spending 500 for a birthday is a luxury, at least to me.  

GoingWicked's picture

I wasn’t able to, and I didn’t drive until I was 19.  Though I worked an hour a day and paid for my own prom dresses.  My husband worked after school and mowed to buy his own car and pay his own insurance.  Sorry, but teaching your kids they don’t have to pay for the luxuries they want does them a huge disservice, this is why most of our country owes money, they lack the ability to hold off on buying something until they can afford it..

STaround's picture

If I EVER went though bankruptcy, unless things got MUCH better, I would not be spending 500 on my own birthday. 

When parents do not spend what they cannot afford, kid lean that message

Gimlet's picture

I both agree and disagree.

I disagree that parents should not be able to do nice things for themselves without the kids expecting something too.  In this case, her husband does pay CS but doesn't seem able to say no to any extras that the kids "need" even when he doesn't have the money.  At SD's age, there is nothing wrong with an honest conversation about money and budget.

However, I also agree that in this case he is setting a terrible example.  He's filed bankruptcy and has racked up credit card debt again.  He has a Harley because it is his "dream".  He's left his wife with the responsibility for their mutual kids by and large. And yeah, his kids probably don't understand that his life is built on a financial house of cards. 

IMO, spending this much on his birthday is not a good choice.  He doesn't "deserve" anything and I would bet all of this is going on a credit card. 

OP should get rid of all the cards and force him to live within his means.  OP is busting her butt to try to take care of everything and he's just going behind her and undoing it all.  

blessedwithstress's picture

You've nailed a lot of it. The Harley was paid for years ago. We don't owe anything on it. He actually traded the one he bought for his father's motorcycle and came out ahead of the deal. I don't give him crap about keeping it because he rides it a lot in the summer, which saves on gas because it gets far better mileage than his truck. Plus it is relatively cheap to insure.

The birthday outing - was not going to cost $500. More like $250 all said and done. Tickets were $145, I got a wicked good deal on a hotel with free breakfast. Dinner might have come to $50. But you're right, it did go on a credit first. Then I took cash I had stashed away and paid it right back. It is probably not the most responsible thing to do - putting "fun stuff" on a credit card but we need a release valve once in a while. We have been living in survival mode for a decade and that is the only way we can find to shake off the blues once in a while. And generally I make sure we have a plan to pay it back right away if not within a reasonable amount of time. Otherwise we don't do it.

I don't claim to be totally innocent when it comes to making bad financial decisions but I make WAY more good decisions than bad ones. And yes - I do bust my butt to take care of everything while he comes behind me with a sledgehammer and wrecks it all. That is the key to most of our problems. 

My PLAN/INTENTION is to pay off our credit cards using the snowball method. I've almost got one paid off. And I have made it clear that we are NOT to use the other ones. The only thing he puts on them anymore is gas and I pay that back onto the card at the end of each week.

Thank you for your level-headed input. 

justmakingthebest's picture

You really only have the 2 choices- see if you can cancel your room. Tell the tickets on Stubhub or some other site.

The other being get someone else to go with you.

PS- I am available. I love Eric Church! LOL

Dance 4

Step-girlfriend's picture

Same! My SO gave me tickets for Christmas one year and we went in spring. He's so good in concert!

ESMOD's picture

If the tickets can't be sold.. and the hotel canceled without penalty.. I would tell him that since it looks like he will be busy.. you are going to ask someone else to go with you.

I can kind of see being escorted by your father (when everyone else is as well) to a semi "once in a lifetime" type of event probably trumps going to a concert.. even though I know it's a big deal.. and it was something that you were also looking forward to.  There can be other concerts on other nights.. but homecoming court doesn't happen as often.. though I am sure that this is not the first or last time that his daughter's things feel like they always have to come before "yours".

So.. if you think there is a good chance that he might bail on the concert.. maybe sell the tickets.. get your money back and put it towards a credit card... then when his Bday rolls around.. he gets spagetti at home.. and a card.  because you tried to do something nice and he chose another option.