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Fighting the panic attack

justmakingthebest's picture

My SIL texted me a little while ago asking if we had dates worked out for SS coming out for the holiday's and if DH had been able to have his court ordered facetimes. Of course the answer is no to both.

BM won't respond for coordinating dates. SS didn't answer the last 2 calls DH made, and due to his current location (middle of the ocean) couldn't make last weeks or this coming weeks calls. 

I started looking at flights for just the actual court ordered time, no make up time. Flights aren't as bad as I thought for Christmas. It would be nice to get them booked. Trip insurance is a joke for stuff like this, you either have to cancel 72 hrs in advance for any reason or have a "covered" reason for an emergency cancellation. Unfortunately BM being a giant C&@T is not one of those! 

Not being able to plan is literally spinning me into a panic attack. This is F$&@ing stupid. I hate that even after resigning ourselves to accept the last court outcome she won't follow what was ordered. Will the prices go up? Will she ever answer? Will we be out this flight too? What the hell do I do? I just want to buy a friking plane ticket for fricking court ordered dates! This shouldn't be so hard!! How do I let it go? It could be the difference in hundreds of dollars.

DH said that he wants the chance to have face to face time with SS before he gives up fighting. He has literally had less than 2 minutes in a court room in the last 12 months. 

Welp, for whatever reason typing this out made the room stop spinning, so at least there is that.


thinkthrice's picture

They will not hold the BM accountable for her withholding  time from DH.   Looks like the PASout is complete.  Sadly, your DH is in good company.   There are hundreds of thousands of fathers pushed out of their children's lives by the BM.

justmakingthebest's picture

I know. I really do. 

The only thing that gives me hope was the judge saying he was giving BM 12 months to follow the current order and that if we are back for contempt again "this will be a very different kind of hearing".

tog redux's picture


"BM, you can violate my orders with impunity for ONE YEAR, and that's it, you hear me?"

Not very promising.

SteppedOut's picture

Lol, right. So if she complies one time in 12 months...that's good enough. Right? I mean, she will be "trying".

tog redux's picture

Exactly. If she were like BM here, she'd allow 2 brief video calls where SS is just a surly beast, right before court.  And that's it. Then he will extend it and give her "more time" to show she can follow the order, since she's "trying" to comply.

Shouldn't it be that if the child doesn't visit the father for the next visitation period, something will happen?

justmakingthebest's picture

Maybe I didn't say it right. He is withholding is ruling on the current contempt for 1 year. If she follows the order, she doesn't have to pay. If she does not, he is ruling in our favor.

tog redux's picture

YES, you will be out for this flight too. Pay more to get refundable tickets, if that's an option, or pay more to get last minute tickets if necessary.  BM has figured out (correctly) that this judge is not going to do anything about her refusal to follow his orders and she always has the "SS refused to go" card, which she hasn't played yet (but will, to take the blame off of herself).

I'm sorry, I do know how hard this is, and this is the hardest time. When you still have some hope that court will help, but that's dwindling, and the reality of what is happening sets in.


justmakingthebest's picture

She did play that card last time in court. The judge told her it didn't matter what SS wanted. She has to be the parent and get control of him.

I am sure she will use the same excuse. I hope if we decide for contempt again that the judge will at least make her pay what she owes us.

tog redux's picture

Maybe. It would be nice if judges enforced their own orders.  In my experience, they like to threaten endlessly and never enforce.

justmakingthebest's picture

Argh! Yes. Hold their own freaking orders enforceable! It can't be that hard!

Harry's picture

Stop driving yourself into a panic attack,  what will happen, will happen,  make your plans for the holiday.  Is SS shows up that great. If not that his lost 

justmakingthebest's picture

Wish it was a simple as just turning my brain off and not worrying about it. Worrying is kind of my thing.

Felicity0224's picture

Do you go to therapy? You sound so much like me. I’ve made myself physically ill worrying over my SDs and their relationship with DH, the PAS that they were going through, what we should do about it all. It really wasn’t until the last year or so after I started seeing a therapist and learned ways to cope that I’ve been able to even think about the situation without my blood pressure going up. I know therapy isn’t for everyone, but it might be worth a try.  Hang in there!

justmakingthebest's picture

I have in the past. 

Honestly I can go thru the exercises, sometimes they work, other times there is xanex. 

I cant turn it off though. I can't just pretend the situation doesn't exist. 

advice.only2's picture

Book refundable tickets knowing he’s not going to show.  File the contempt charges when you can and keep moving on.

You already know he’s not going to show and that the courts aren’t going to do anything about it.  At this point it’s more just going through the motions.

stop allowing this to take up so much head space, focus on all that you have around you and not on SS.  He is a non entity anymore as you know he’s PASed out. 

justmakingthebest's picture

The issue with refundable tickets, is they are only semi refundable. You also have to have qualifying events if you don't cancel within 72-48-24 hours, depending on the airline. Trip insurance is the same way. So, we can't cancel in advance since she isn't in contempt until he doesn't get on the plane. We are better off buying the cheapest ticket and eating the $ in our case since refundable tickets cost so much more and you don't get the full value back. Something fun we discovered after he didn't come on the cruise.

ndc's picture

Does Southwest fly between the 2 cities? If so, sign up for a SW credit card and start earning points. If you book tickets using points, you can cancel and put them back in your account up to 10 minutes or so prior to the flight. Plus no change fees.  Too late for this flight, but something to consider for the future.

justmakingthebest's picture

They don't. Our only options are Delta and United due to unaccompanied minor restrictions.

susanm's picture

Just a thought but have you spoken to a travel agent about the issue?  They may have an idea about how you can book a ticket that may not be refundable but perhaps transferable so that you could get a credit for use either by him at a later time or even by someone else to another destination.  They often know ways around rules and regs that we do not have access to through regular websites.  You may end up paying more for the ticket but it would not be money thrown away if he does not show up.

Thumper's picture

Make the family holiday plans period.


You know the dates you believe ss is expected to fly IN and fly out, correct?

Must you pay for roundtrip OR just 50 percent of the ticket?

Pay for his trip to your airport--BM can pay for her flight from your town to hers.

I would look to fly him on Frontier OR alligent to the closest airport to your home town. LET bm concern herself with the airline she wants to put ss on AND what city she wants to pick him up at.

IF you must pay for entire ticket...1. Fact, historically speaking bm doesnt send ss to visitation, find Frontier, Spirt and Alligent a round trip ticket with UM fees. Worst case is you loose low cost airline ticket OR you have to drive 2hours to pick him up IF bm sends him.

Shows the court DH did what he was required to do and bm is difficult once again.

That is what WE would do.

OR call airline directly---they can help very quickly for costs.