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MIL & FIL actions affecting skids.

anonamonumous's picture

MIL really hates me, for whatever reason. She is a narcissist. Her starting stuff is rubbing off onto FIL now too, because she controls what he does and when, because he just goes with what she wants so he doesn't have to deal with her.

FIL wanted to take the skids for the summer to where they live in a different state. DH had no issues with this, and expected that everything was fine because FIL never mentioned anything to make DH not think things were fine. Unexpectedly, FIL calls DH late at night saying they are leaving to bring the kids back the next day. Still no clear picture of if they will be back the next day, or the day after. Doesn't make it the day after the call, so now the plan in getting here the next day. So he calls DH that day saying that they were close and would stay at least a couple days. Yet, a couple hours later when they get here and DH gets home, FIL tells DH that they are leaving right away.

This had a huge affect on the skids. They were upset/crying and even now that it has been a week, YSS is still upset/crying at night. We still have no idea why FIL brought them back suddenly. FIL told my DH one thing, then wanted to lie to OSS about the reason why they left, and neither one of those is probably the real reason why they brought them back without warning/left right away after they said they were going to stay.

I believe that FIL never planned on staying, and just got tired of handling both skids. Of couse he wouldn't admit that to DH, and definitely wouldn't to OSS.

I just love how FIL can't handle watching the kids while dealing with MIL, but then expects me to just be happy cheery that DH and I's plans got messed up because HE wanted to take the kids and then HE decided to bring them back without warning. If you are going to committ to taking care of your grandkids, the least you can do is let DH know ahead of time that you plan on bringing them back early so DH can prepare. And let the kids know too so it doesn't seem to them like you just don't care. FIL didn't care at all about how this would affect the kids. one day the skids thinking everything is fine and they still have days with their grandparents, to the next day just dropping them off and leaving.

Comments

Siemprematahari's picture

FIL didn't care at all about how this would affect the kids. one day the skids thinking everything is fine and they still have days with their grandparents, to the next day just dropping them off and leaving.

Sounds like your H needs to have a serious conversation with his parents that if the kids are with them it's with the understanding that they are staying and if something happens where the kids have to come back to PLEASE give notice as he and you may have plans. Consideration and honest communication needs to take place which doesn't seem to be. Has your H pressed his parents as to what happened with the kids being dropped off? Did something happen they don't want to talk about? I wouldn't feel comfortable having my kids there if the grandparents are not being open & honest.

Your H should also reiterate how hurtful it is to the kids to be dropped off like that so abruptly without a proper explanation as to why. I wouldn't subject my kids to this and your H needs to let that be known.

anonamonumous's picture

It is hard to know the actual truth because FIL isn't going to be completely open about what all exactly happened. Part or none of what he has told DH might be the truth:

FIL didn't tell DH that he was having issues with his blood pressure medication until 3 weeks after FIL had taken them

FIL didn't tell DH right away that FIL was having some numbness in his legs. Wouldn't go into further detail so we don't know if it was more serious than he was letting on, or if it was just somewhat of an excuse

After FIL was here and was going to leave, he told DH:

1. He forgot his blood pressure meds (he didn't even try to get emergency supply from doctor to be picked up at a pharmacy here)

2. MIL had infected bee stings because they couldn't get the stingers out (maybe go get them removed/taken care of before coming back?)

3. Aunt got worse again and had to go back to take care of her (if 1 was true, then he shouldn't be doing this one either. taking care of an aunt is more important than his health, but better preparing the kids return wasn't?)

Then after FIL got home, he wanted to tell OSS that the reason they had to leave was because of the hydraulic system on the bus wasn't working properly. (we know this is a 100% lie because they didn't run into that issue until they had already left here to go back home).

Also with number 1, if that really was the main issue, driving with the kids in an RV for 600 miles is not the best/safest option. Didn't even ask DH to come pick up the kids over the weekend and MIL could take care of the kids 100% until then.

 

We shouldn't have to worry about any of these issues with FIL in the future because next summer DH and I agreed that it would only be 3-4 weeks MAX if they did take them, but most likely not going to go with FIL&MIL at all and will just be in some summer camps/daycare throughout the summer.

anonamonumous's picture

Yes I want children. What does that have to do with any of this? I would not be okay if FIL was doing this with my own biological child and would have told him no from the very beginning. I don't have that say over the stepkids. DH had little issue with it to begin with because FIL wanted to take the kids, the kids were excited to go, and there was no reason to suspect that there may be issues. When your own parent wants to take your children for a vacation/visit, you should be able to trust that they are are capable of doing so for the length of time that they planned. FIL was not, probably didn't tell DH because he knew DH wouldn't have let the skids go if he knew.

Wrong Way Diva's picture

Is this their first trip there?   Something happened.....either the kids acted up or there was a fight.

anonamonumous's picture

3rd trip. First year, everything was fine and there were no issues. We didn't live together at the time and they brought them back exactly when they said they were going to. 2nd year (last year) we had just moved in together after buying the house, FIL didn't call until they were already on their way back (which was sooner than expected). DH talked to him about it, and thought that FIL understood. Then this year happened, so it is no more. There is a history now, and it seems like FIL doesn't care because he just expects me to be available to watch them like I have no other responsibilities. Nevermind the fact that if he didn't ask to take them, they would have had summer camps/daycare to go to throughout the summer, and that we didn't plan on that this year and have it set up because he said he would keep them until the middle of August.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Hopefully, your SO will learn from this and not permit lengthy visitations between the GPs and the gskids. IMO, a week would be the maximum for a visit.

anonamonumous's picture

If FIL was told he could only take them for one week, then he wouldn't take them at all... I am 100% fine with that, but if I say that and FIL finds out how I feel, then it will be FIL and MIL thinking I don't want the kids around them at all. Not my fault that they would rather choose nothing over 1-2 weeks just because they can't take them for longer then bring them back unexpectedly.

somethingwicked's picture

 

These GP's wanted the children all summer, then 3 weeks in perhaps got overwhelmed or tired of the responsibility and work ,maybe expense as well, caring for GK's . Besides the mentioned  health issues  there could be other more selfish reasons for the dump and run behavior executed . 

Maybe the novelty of being grandparents with their grandchildren in tow wore off. KIds =Work.

Maybe they had  run through their social registry ,showing the kids off to their pals  ,and were done. Some GP's view their grands as accoutrements..like Paris Hilton did with that little tea cup chihuahua.

And maybe SO is unrealistic as well expecting these seniors to take his kids all summer.Is this his CO time with his chidren?

 Are  the kids well behaved or brats? Did SO ask them  how the visit went ,any problems or was it fun?

 The good from this is now SO  knows the GP's  should not take the children for out of state visits as they are incapable of that responsibility for the myriad of health issues and probably other reason SO's father didn't mention .Lucky the kids were not exposed to any danger with these seniors who could be developing  serious health issues .And the seniors appear not to be fully aware that they are failing and unable to perform like they had a couple years in past.

Every year the vist gets shortened. Your description of FIL makes him sound like he has some degree of dementia.Driving an RV 600 miles with an older person behind the wheel with known BP issues (which usually means heart disease as well )and possible onset dementia ,behind the wheel sounds dicey. I would not WANT my kids with them under those circumstances.SO should tell his FIL that is why they can't get the kids in future. That and the sliding scale visiting that ends w/o warning.

It is difficult to face our mortality as we age .Maybe GP are unaware of the changes to their stamina and SO does not acknowledge they are getting old and with age comes health issues.

Never again with these out of state visits.They are having trouble caring for themselves let alone the children.

As you wrote there are other options for kids to enjoy summer with camps etc. 

 

anonamonumous's picture

DH has full legal custody and primary physical custody. Biomom has 6ish days during xmas break and 6 weeks during summer, but she hasn't seen them in almost 2 years now.

The kids aren't brats, but they aren't perfect angels either. They can be annoying at times, but they are also 9 and 11 and are capable of taking care of themselves (breakfast and lunch)/entertaining themselfs for periods of time.

The only thing that I have heard is that when DH was on phone calls with the kids, OSS always kept wanting to get YSS into trouble, and then after they got back, FIL has brought up that OSS needs space from YSS because YSS keeps following OSS around. Yes, OSS needs some space, but FIL has stated this during every single conversation with DH since bringing the skids back. After FIL and MIL left, DH called FIL. FIL asked about the kids, and DH told him that the skids were out playing with the neighbor kid. FIL's first reponse was "OSS needs time away from YSS" basically saying that OSS should be able to play with this kid alone because he needs space, and that YSS shouldn't be friends with this neighbor kid. Backwards considering YSS and other kid are same age and OSS is 2 years older. (basically makes me think that he favors OSS over YSS which is another entirely different issue).

I'm also not sure if FIL has a form of dementia or if he's always been scatterbrained (i've seen this since before i even met FIL in person just listening to DH's phone conversations with him). He's the type of person that you can tell him something, and then have to tell him again, I just thought it was due to the fact that he wasn't paying attention. But who knows, maybe he does have some form of memory issues.

 

Honestly though, I don't see any of this mattering ever again. DH has said that FIL has made quite a few different comments that makes it seem like FIL is never going to come back down here.