Met with SS32 after years of disengagement. Can we move on, without any accountability?
Hubby and I have been getting on really well the last few years. I had created my boundaries and kept adhered to them. Word was out that I am no longer accepting step hell. Then we had undergone counselling which really highlighted the importance of putting our marriage first. All seemed well.
Then came April, I had a surprise party for DH and did not invite Ss32 (read my previous posts) I invited all the other Skids. A good time was had by all. My position was now cemented to friends, family and steps that I refuse to have any step hell. Dh, totally understood and although he was upset he agreed and even said he would have been too nervous enjoy himself had ss32 being around.
All seemed well, until ss32 contacted Dh several weeks later, to say that he had been unable to sleep thinking of the way he had been treated. He did not know what he had done to deserve such treatment? He went on to say how he had welcomed me and my children into the family (hmmm). Well, Dh took a turn and somehow we got into an argument, which had nothing to do with ss32 coming to the party. But with an agreement we had formed in counselling that ss32 would not be allowed in our home nor would he get an invite to anything. He had to take the first step of contacting me so we could discuss our. relationship.
Now I was being accused of wanting ss32 to grovel. Well, that was it. I felt we had made too much progress to revert back to his “denial and burying his head in the sand stage”. I decided to sleep in the guest room for a few days to gather my thoughts. I felt disappointed and within days I realised I no longer wanted to be in this marriage. I have had 10+ years of step hell and I was not prepared to have another 10+ years. I had done all I could to keep away from step hell and Dh always seemed to drag the hell back into our lives. It was enough! For the first time ever, I gave Dh an ultimatum. Either he gets counselling as to why he is afraid of losing an adult child, that he is prepared to do anything not to upset the adult baby or I wanted a divorce. DH was shocked and begged that I attended what was to have been our last marriage counselling session, as we had seemed to have worked the step hell out……. Silly us! I agreed to have our last session.
The counsellor thought we had made such progress and was surprised that Dh had reverted to form. The counsellor explained to Dh, that he had done an excellent job in raising his children, all whom have very successful careers and in happy relationships. She said that now, our marriage takes priority and it was his responsibility to protect it. She agreed that Dh's behaviour, were of someone who was afraid of loss. He knew ss32 was behaving badly toward both of us and was willing to accept anything not to lose him. We decided that DH would have a series of counselling sessions alone with DH to deal with his fear of loss. We reconfirmed that SS32 would not be allowed in our home, nor would he be invited to any of our events unless, we talk and I (wife) believe that SS32 has had a change of attitude. In the interim, I made it clear I would be staying in the guests room until I see significant changes in Dh.
Well well, unbeknown to me, Dh had arranged to meet ss32 for dinner within days of our counselling session. I was contacted by ss32 that very evening to arrange to dinner. Dh had been trying to achieve this for months and BANG …. I changed my position and things begin to happen. …
I met SS32 alone and what a meeting it was! In thirteen years ss32 and I had never had a single conversation. We had never gone beyond the greeting stage. There we were sat opposite each other wanting to sort this out. I had intended to lay my cards on the table and discuss how I felt and why I felt that way. I expected that he would do the same too. What a shock! Instead this is what I got from a 3.5 hours drink session:
- He denied his passive aggressive behaviour towards. I gave him lots of examples.
- He denied saying disparaging things about me. Even though I showed him proof in the way of emails and texts he had sent his father, showing nothing short of hatred towards me.
- He denied, he was upset that he and girlfriend had not been invited to the party. Even though I told him that I was sat right next to his father when he called.
- He denied everything and lied about everything.
- However he wanted us to move on and be friends!
Within 40 minutes I realised that there was not going to be any accountability whatsoever. So I had a large gin and tonic, relaxed and told him exactly what I thought of him. I told him he was a coward, can only talk behind my back and cannot tell me to my face. I let him know that I knew he was lying about everything. SS32 thought he would shock/upset me by telling me what Dh had told him about me during dh's "no boundaries and head in the sand days". Well I turned that around. I told him our counselling session had enabled us to grow as a couple, we had discussed all what was said and I know that DH had written to every Skid, saying how ashamed he was of his prior behaviour. In fact I showed him the email. I then dropped a few things that Dh had told me about him (just in case he thought it was only one-sided). I could see how surprised and hurt he looked. Perhaps he thought Dh and I never had heart to heart conversations?
As I walked away from the bar, I felt a huge sigh of relief. What was once a huge mountain, turned out to be a small mouse. Someone who had caused me so much pain, anger and sat in front of me and was too much of a coward to defend his corner. Because in reality he knew he did not have a corner, other than the inability to accept that his father had moved on.
Naturally Dh was nervous on my return from the meeting. I explained what had happened. I told me that I am happy to have a cordial relationship with him outside our home. Neither would I be inviting him to any events. If ss32 cannot take responsibility for his actions or what he said, how can he change his attitude towards our marriage? In fact, the only thing he did admit was saying that he had no respect for me, which was telling. It was like talking to a blank wall.
Way forward ...... Dh is still having his counselling. I am still in the guest room. dh has just presented me with a Lasting Power of Attorney to sign. Before it included me and the skids. Now it is just me. The way I see it, dh spent years saying negative things about me to skids, he had his head in the sand for years while ss32 disrespect my every being. He had disappointed me time and time again, that I lost all trust for him. My position in regard to ss32 will not change. However I need time to think as to whether I can start believing in Dh again. I know he is trying to put everything in place, but it takes one string to break the camel's back.