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Feelings of resentment or regret?

gratefulheart's picture

Do your stepchildren ever make you feel resentment towards your spouse? Do they ever make you regret choosing their father or mother as a partner?

Mine does. The older my stepchild gets, the more I wish that I never made this choice. Sad I know that I sound like a complete b****, but I really hate who this kid is growing up to be. I just cannot fathom having to deal with her for another few years, but we have FULL CUSTODY and her mother lives out of state and doesn’t want to see her more than just a few weeks out of the year. She doesn’t have a stable job, a stable home, or a vehicle and she has a bunch of drama with her other child’s father. Basically, I’m stuck dealing with her daughter because she doesn’t want to and she never has (she left when my stepchild was a baby).

I hate feeling so much resentment and regret. It’s interfering with my marriage, but I don’t know how to make those feelings go away when the problem is right here, all the time, not going anywhere any time soon. Sad

Comments

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

You can’t care more than the neglectful and selfish Biowhore. You don’t have children of your own?

If I didn’t have biokids with my DH I would have fled long ago.

gratefulheart's picture

No kids together. He has his and I have mine. (Thank God!) But we do have a friendship and bond that has existed since we were kids, and that makes it harder to just give up and leave. I keep having to convince myself that it will be okay because she will grow up and leave - someday. Ugh.

ESMOD's picture

TBH,  If your DH has full custody and BM has relatively little time.. then HE is the one who should be getting his kid in line.  It will fall on his shoulders when she is allowed to misbehave.

What does he do about her "issues"?

gratefulheart's picture

Makes excuses! Everything is always, “She’ll grow out of it!” or “This is just a phase.” He also “has talks” with her. Needless to say, those talks are ineffective.

Siemprematahari's picture

You don't sound like a b!tch and you have a right to your feelings. You are caring for another child that isn't yours and its been challenging, that's understandable. Don't disregard your feelings or down play them. I would feel this way also. Is your H supportive when it comes to SD? Does he do the majority of the parenting and is he a Disney dad which makes it more difficult to tolerate being around her? Is this child receiving therapy for her abandonment issues from her mother? You have a lot on your plate and need an outlet.....

gratefulheart's picture

My husband can be supportive at times, but for the most part, he’s so stuck on “this is just a phase” and “she’ll grow out of it” that he says that I’m “going way too far” with my concerns about her behavior. I have done the majority of the parenting since she was a toddler. Her mom left before she could even remember her, then I stepped in and became “mom.” So no, we never took her to therapy. I don’t know what a Disney dad is, but he definitely does make it more difficult to be around her because of how he falls for all of her games and pity party crap. She acts way more like a little angel when daddy is around. He doesn’t take any of her issues seriously. I read an article about narcissistic children and LITERALLY 12 out of 15 signs described my stepdaughter! It was crazy! I told him that we should take her to counseling and he got really offended and said that she’s going to grow out of it all on her own.

Evil3's picture

Not a day goes by that I don't regret marrying a man with a mini-wife. It isn't even the fact that he has kids. It's the mini-wife bullshit. I could have even handled the Disney parenting and the fact that the SKs were feral if it weren't for the mini-wife crap. Not a day goes by that I don't wonder what it must be like to be the one who is loved fully by my husband. I got crumbs because the mini-wife gets it all and then some. She is a full blown narcissist and when I tried to encourage DH to get SD into counselling when I saw the blooming of NPD, I got told that it's just a stage, she's just young, she's a teenager and her brain isn't fully developed, or that I just need to relax. Then there's, "you just hate her," or that "she'll just grow out of it." Today, SD is a full blown narcissist and it's hell knowing that my DH loves the fucking thing as much as he does. So, yeah. Tons of regret every damn day.

thinkthrice's picture

THE.TIME

Biggest.mistake.ever!

ChamomileTea4Me's picture

In a word...YES!  6 years in and I fight feelings of resentment while waiting for the day the last of 3 SDs leaves the nest.  I never thought I would say that about a child, but here we are.  I came into this family so full of hope, love, and compassion.  I naively saw a man and his children who could benefit from the good stuff I had to give and was looking forward to building a positive relationship with them. I assumed they all were as grateful as I and my BS were to have a chance at a genuinely caring and supportive big family.  But I did not fully realize just how emotionally damaged, dysfunctional, traumatized, self-destructive, and resistant to anything positive and real they were.  I love my SO dearly and his passive and calm nature works well for me personally when it comes to our relationship and helping me calm my own anxieties.  That is what keeps me hopeful about our future together as empty nesters.  That same passive parenting however is exactly what I also resent on an almost daily basis!  I often remind him that if any other person treated me like his kids do, he would immediately come to my defense.  I totally get what you are saying about not feeling fully loved.  Its been a big problem because I've had those past relationships where I did feel like the center of their world, and they mine.  I do miss that.  I certainly never expected to feel loved more than his children, but I never expected for my feelings to be so clearly placed behind theirs even when they are blantantly cruel to me.

I did leave once when things got unbearably toxic with the MSD.  Then, a few weeks after I left, SO got the kids loaded into the car to go spend Christmas day with GM.  Without warning, MSD says, "Oh, can you help me pack my things into the back?  I'm moving into {OSD} today." ON CHRISTMAS DAY this girl just up and left her dad's house after causing all the chaos she did for me to leave!!!  Wow.  Then she proceeded to brag online that she was surprised he was sad when she left on Christmas because she had "scared away his GF of 5 years."  I learned from that...these teenage SKIDS are fully aware of what they are doing and they are only thinking of their own needs and desires.  They WILL grow up and leave.  If you believe your relationship is worth it in the grand scheme of your life, hang in there and I wish you the absolute best.  I am hanging in and have had to recently make it very clear to YSD that she WILL NOT make me leave my home and my SO that I love so much and work so hard for every day. But...if I knew in the beginning what I know now...I would have run like hell the other way. Hindsight...gotta love it!

gratefulheart's picture

It’s honestly sad how many stepkids make their stepparents look forward to them growing up and leaving. But yes, I feel the same way. I’m going to TRY to hang in there. But if things get unbearable (my stepdaughter is a complete narcissist) then I won’t hesitate to file for divorce - and my husband knows that. You can only be miserable for so long. Life is way too short!

Inluck's picture

I do regret having made the decision against my best judgement to date a man with children. I don’t blame the skids. I blame DH for his poor boundaries and lack of parenting and his control issues.