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Disrespectful Tween SD HELP

newsm24's picture

My BF has 3 daughters, we've been in each other's lives for a little over a year now and for the most part it's been really good. I have a really good relationship with each of the girls. But I've faced a lot of obstacles such as the fact I don't have any children of my own yet and my BF has a very laid back attitude towards parenting/discipline. To get straight to my main issue, his middle daughter is almost 12 and she truly gets under my skin almost every time they are with us. I try so hard to remember how hard it is to be that age and to have 2 blended families on top of that. But her mouth is ridiculous and very disrespectful in my opinion. I'm at a loss for how to deal with it. My BF has stood up for me when necessary but other times he lets things go that I really think need to be addressed! She talks back, tries to talk over me, the tone she uses a lot of the time infuriates me and I've tried everything I know but I need advice on how to better handle this...

STaround's picture

BF should tell her not to interrupt, but what do  you mean when you say she talks back?  Are you trying to tell her what to do?

newsm24's picture

A majority of the time when she has a really bad attitude it's hard to say anything to her without her responding with a rude comment, eye rolling or some time of emotional outburst. One night, she called her sister fat and I chimed in and said "that was hurtful, you need to apologize." Her response, "well she says that to me all the time so I don't care" I told her, well I'm sorry but I wasn't there when that happened and that I'm addressing what I heard her say right now. She said, "ha okay whatever, she tells me that all the time. whatever." She just always has to get the last word in everything and has this very snotty attitude like she's better than everyone else in the house.

Step lightly's picture

Yeah- it’s tough. I know you want to stand up for her sister, but chiming in, especially at this age, is probably received as butting in when the rude behavior isn’t directed at you. You can tell your SO your concerns about SD’s treatment of her sister and bring the info to his attention, but what he does with it is on him. 

I mean.... maybe you can point out that she’s being rude. But trying to make her apologize is going to elicit serious attitude. Leave that work to her dad. 

Siemprematahari's picture

If your BF is not doing his part in giving her consequences for being disrespectful nothing you do will change her behavior. Your BF has to shut it down and be consistent. If this continues I wouldn't go over there when the kids are around until he's managed to parent and gain some control over the behavior. He has the power to do this and if he chooses not to it will be a long miserable road with you and those girls.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

It's only been a year, and you're noticing skid behavioral problems directly related to poor/weak parenting.

If you surf this site, you'll see that in general SDs are faaaaar more difficult than SSs. Your bf has THREE, which spells disaster, especially given their ages. Each one is going to be a terror in her own way, each will get progressively worse, and they will likely feed off of each other. You're currently in the early "honeymoon" period of your relationship, the best it will likely ever be, and you're seeing red flags.

Please slow things waaay down. Protect your own financial and emotional interests, vet the dynamic as a whole, and critically observe your bf's parenting. If he doesn't start stepping up and consistently parenting, don't waste any more time on him. You are a catch -  young, childless, unencumbered by baggage - and can have you pick of great guys with no kids.

Inluck's picture

If she is rude tell her to stop. You’re an autonomous person. Stand up for yourself. Will her dad abuse you or something? If he abuses you for standing up for yourself then that’s another topic.

StrawberryPie's picture

This is a whole lot of nonsense that you will likely have to put up with.  Tween and teen stepdaughters will only get worse before they get better.  I'd recommend really considering what you are getting out of this relationship before you get any deeper.  It's a long hard road w 3 step daughters. 

Thisisnotus's picture

First of all don't try and discipline her ever......that will never work....Ignore her....leave the room...act like she doens't exsist....make plans for yourself when the skids are there....completely disengage.....

It's either that or live in misery trying to control something that you cannot and something that your SO doesn't even notice.

momjeans's picture

The first year of a relationship should be all about dating (still) and getting to know one another further. 

Instead... you’re playing referee to some guy’s snarky tweens. 

WHY!?