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Thought things were going smoothly and then this email

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

So an update to what is going on in regards to my bf and the investigation by CPS. Yesterday, the CPS worker did not come by for a home visit, so that will be happening next week instead. The law enforcement officer took my bf's statement over the phone in the morning and then come back around 5 pm to have him write it all down. Afterwards, the officer told my bf the investigation against him as been dropped and they classified it as bruising from the park. So that was good news, in 48 hours, the investigation had been closed against him by law enforcement. The CPS investigation is still on going because that is separate. 

My bf texts me a screen shot a little white ago showing an email from the CPS worker informing him that she is referring him to a "When families get angry" program because there has been 3 reports of physical abuse and him being named as the abuser. This call to CPS was the 3rd one, the other two were made by the BM and they closed the case because physical abuse was found. My bf is livid because he has been innocent and proven innocent each time, but this CPS worker is acting as though he was/has been found guilty of physical abuse. So now another email to the attorney because they are very much indeed treating him as though he was/is guilty, which is not the case. Basically to me that is saying now he could call CPS on the BM and report physical abuse and her be found innocent each time, but doesn't matter she would have to take a "When families get angry" class. Which we all know PROBABLY would not happen. It is because he is the man. F****** ridiculous.  


justmakingthebest's picture

Is your BF making his command aware of what is going on? They need to know asap if they don't. I can't remember what branch you are in but you guys also need to make contact with Family Advocacy (or whatever your BF's branch calls it).

Tell him to also sign up for and take the class as soon as possible, none of the who, what, when, where's or why's matter right now. Take the class and smile. 

When he talks to the lawyer he should also bring up the constant false abuse allegations and the impact they could have on his career. She needs to be silenced. 

We have real proof of medical abuse and were told by the GAL that we were not allowed to report it. That we would get in trouble and lose the little bit that we currently have if we report it. The case is in the courts hands and that is where it will stay (according to the GAL). I recommend requesting one the next time you are with your lawyer. He has been horrible to work with but in the end he did come around and see BM for what she is.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

The officer actually who he talked to yesterday was a former marine and said he was trying to keep it under wraps for him so it did not go to his command. My bf didn't ask for that, but was happy about it because he didn't want work getting effected or next thing you know the Marine Core investigating him or something.

The last two times he was found innocent after the BM reported false allegations, the Family Advocacy Agency (or whatever, I forget the exact name too) was involved and he had to talk to them too and go see them a few times, etc. The class isn't available apparently until October. My bf does not want to take it becuase he feels it almost makes him look guilty that he has abused the children when he never has. 

His lawyer is aware of these and was saying about he wants to get the other reports from CPS, etc. His lawyer responded quickly this morning and said it does not sound like it is something that is mandated, so for him to respond politely saying thank you for your concern for my children's wellbeing, how all the allegations were unfounded and this will be the same conclusion the investigator will make this time, and bringing up how it is the same person making these allegations time and time again. To not argue or respond any bit angry because he does not want to alienate the investigator.

WOW that is terrible! Well that is good news! Will definitely be talking about getting a GAL appointed because I am starting to believe one is really needed. The BM is manipulating the children and now trying to the system all to make my bf look bad.

ESMOD's picture

I have a feeling that the fact that your BF has consistently told the CPS people that he has been using corporal punishment is driving this too.  Sure, he wasn't able to be absolutely found "guilty" in the past accusations.. but that doesn't mean that they don't have some underlying concern with the way he disciplines his kids (three fingers and all)... and the fact that his spankings are corroborated by the 4yo. 

Unfortunately, while spanking may not necessarily be illegal... it is not something that most of those in charge will look on as a preferred means of discipline.  It isn't a far stretch for them to go to a place where if there is smoke.. there must be a fire somewhere. 

With someone like his EX.. he gave her some pretty good ammo... and TBH... if he has been ordered to take the class... then.. he better figure out how to do that.  Taking a class because he was ordered.. doesn't make him look guilty.. he has already made himself look guilty (with generous help from his child and mother).

tog redux's picture

Yes, and the fall from playground equipment didn't help any, either, unfortunately. 

GreenerPastures's picture

I'm actually going through something similar with SD's BM. In my state it is a misdemeanor to file false reports to CPS or to maliciously file a report. I hired a lawyer to file all the necessary paper work to 1. Get the name of the "anonymous" reporter. I put the anonymous in quotes because when a person files a CPS report they can get a copy of the findings sent to them from the CPS worker. As the person the report was against its my right to get a redacted copy of the CPS workers notes. Which I did and clearly saw the letter the worker sent to BM. This dumba$$ wanted a copy of the findings.

If I can persuade a judge that the CPS filing and BM's child support filing were made to force DH to give up his legal custody of SD then its likely I can have her charged with a misdemeanor. A step mom can only pray. But I would say try it. I gave my lawyer a retainer to file the paperwork the correct way. You might want to see if you can have this done as well. When I told my lawyer I had a military affilited job he said that could actually help because these kind of filings can hurt a person's career.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

I am sorry you are going through that! I will definitely look into it! I hope it goes well for you!

twoviewpoints's picture

Founded or unfounded is the typical finding.... not "innocent". 

Your BF has also readily admitted to spanking (something CPS does not endorse regardless whether or not a parent 'legally can spank a child). 

If they want to recommend the class, it's in his best interest to  do so. No it's not because he is a man, plenty of BMs are sent to the same type of programs. 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

is because physical abuse was unfounded aka their investigation concluded he did not physically abuse the children. 

Livingoutloud's picture

It’s not illegal to spank and isn’t considered abuse but child complained to her therapist and BF admited spanking them and kind of argued with them that’s ok with just 3 fingers or what not so maybe he just needs to take a class to learn other methods.

People take parenting classes for more reasons than doing something illegal or abusive. He might just need help to find other ways to manage kids. It’s nothjng to do with him being a man. I know men, women and entire families recommended to take a class. He should take a class no matter how much he feels he shouldn’t. 

Plenty of people need a bit of help with parenting and it doesn’t mean they are abusive. 

I understand you are upset about all this but I’d encourage your BF to not argue with CPS and take care of what they suggest



futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

he said, yes I do sometimes spank, but I only use the 3 fingers to spank when I do like the CPS worker told me. The child said to her therapist that my boyfriend threatens he will get the "golden spoon" to spank them if they don't listen. He does not own a golden spoon and he would never spank a child with any objects. That is not arguing, that is telling the CPS agent the child's claim was false, because it was false.

tog redux's picture

OP, don't get a GAL. Don't go any further down the rabbit hole of court. Your SO needs to settle for the NCP schedule with joint custody, if BM will agree to that.

This is what we meant when we said the system is biased against men, and that high conflict women know how to work it.  BM already has a therapist she has turned against DH, now a CPS worker, and believe me that GALs can be similarly manipulated.

Get out of court now. 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

in court and are really trying to avoid doing so in general. I can tell you what after this round of allegations and such, my bf is very close to just agreeing because it's ridiculous and it'll never end.

tog redux's picture

Yes, do it. Agree to take the NCP schedule before she destroys you guys and the kids too.  Trust me when I say that you can't win in a system like Family Court, with a woman like this BM. 

I know it seems unfair, and it is.  But your sanity and the kids' well-being has to be put first.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

with what to do regarding custody and court because I have told him from the get go that is completely his decision. I will not influence him one way or the other. So since this all started a few days ago, he has been bouncing thoughts and ideas off of me. Like "why would she say I threaten to spank them with a golden spoon?" "Do you think she is being fed information from BM or did she come up with this on her own?" "If she came up with this on her own, will this always happen?" He is basically really hurt that a child who is not biologically his own and he has done everything for would make up something such as this. Then yesterday, saying he will still try for what he wants, but if it comes down to agreeing to have the NCP schedule or go to trial, then he would agree to that because he can't do another year of this... Also on his own brought up about when we have kids together we can't risk this nonsense with them.

So we will see what happens. But on this topic I am being solely a sounding board or asking him questions, but no opinions from me.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

I didn't give an ultimatium per say or make threats on how much I can take. However, he is aware that I can't go through trial and another 9+ months of trying to settle all these legal matters. 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

or were when going through what you were, but I am 25 years old. Yes I am young, but I want to be married and have children of my own, he knows that and he wants that with me too. However, I do not want the second he is divorced to propose to me either, but I also am not waiting 5-10 years to be able to do what I see as starting our future. To me until the divorce and custody is sorted, that is when we would finally be starting our future together. So luckily we are on the same page with all of this because I have never had any of it and I am not waiting forever.

GreenerPastures's picture

icareer.i wouldn't take a when families are angry class, full stop. The same organization that has that type of class will definitely have a class for teaching successful coparenting techniques FOR BOTH PARENTS. That's the class I would take. The parents go to the class separately so BM and BF would never go to class together but it would make her as culpabke as your BF for facilitating a good working relationship

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

and my boyfriend would agree to something like that, but not an anger management class all because the BM makes false reports, the child made a false statement, and because occasionally my bf spanks the kids when misbehaving, but never leaving a mark. It is ridiculous.

Livingoutloud's picture

He could ask for other type of parenting class in addition to this one but I’d urged against “not agreeing” with CPS recommendations. They’ll deem him uncooperative. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I think your bf should approach this as an image issue. How can he improve the optics of him as an involved, committed, evolved parent rather than an anger-filled trained killing machine?

He should take any and every parenting class available, join parent support groups, playdate groups, whatever is available to demonstrate his willingness to be the best parent he can be. This is partly a war of perception, and he needs to learn how to play the game, right down to the pictures he posts on social media. Look at the fathers who plaster pics of father-daughter tea parties, dress up/makeup/toe painting sessions all over the internet. That's the direction he should go in.

bananaseedo's picture

I think if the class could somehow affect his career, dont' agree to it but suggest something more 'light' as suggested.  That said...I am not anti-spanking myself and had to use it on ocassion when my kids were younger-but after the 1st look in by CPS I would have taken classes/read books to find alternate ways of discipline which are effective but keep CPS/courts/Law enforcement out of my life.  It certainly wouldn't take me 3 incidents and a anger class suggestion by CPS to change my ways.  Why?  Because he's risking his career, his marriage, his custody time with his kids, 'his way' of discipline/aka spanking/ more imiportant then all the above?  Again, I'm not anti-spanking and honestly think we wouldn't have half the crazy snowflake entitled issues w/kids we have today if we had all just bared their asses lol....BUT once it gets hairy like this, find a different way ffs....not sure what he's thinking. 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

was because there were no bruises from falling at the playground like happened this time. BM just called and said he was abusing the kids with zero markings on them. Now this time BM took prime opportunity of the younger one having bruising from the playground and had CPS called. Trust me there will be no more spanking from here on out and it will be nothing but time out, which is the usual discpline anyway.

Well thank you for saying about not being anti-spanking, because I have gotten lots of words about him doing that and me not having an issue with spanking.

Definitely will be asking for something that is more of a general parenting class not something specific for claims that have not been founded. 

tog redux's picture

Yes, but BM took the kid to the therapist and had her tell the therapist she was spanked. 

Livingoutloud's picture

How do we know BM told kids to say it? And what does that matter? It’s not like she told kids to lie. Dad does spank. 

tog redux's picture

These bruises weren't from a spanking. 

Honestly, it's clear to me that BM interfered in all of this, this is standard custody battle High Conflict BM crap. 

Livingoutloud's picture

Oh I know that. I am not saying bruises are from it or that BM isn’t evil. She is. But even with the most wonderful BM if dad spanks, kids could say that to a therapist, it’s not a lie. CPS and police are aware now that bruises aren’t from spanking  but they are still going to follow up about it because spanking itself wasn’t a lie. Even with the most great exes one can’t parent haphazzardly nowadays. 

tog redux's picture

I agree, it was dumb. DH did a similar thing when SS was younger and dear god, did BM ever capitalize on it.  They just wait like vultures for the other parent to do something stupid.

Thumper's picture

  Some of us figured cps would recommend some form of parenting plan. This class IS IT.

First  IF your boyfriend does not take this class...cps may report "mr blah blah refused to participate in parenting class as part of current parenting plan. Mr blah blah appeared hostile at sw Jones for suggesting it'. Every single burp made by boyfriend is part of this packet. It will be used one way or another in court.

Hope you and boyfriend have low average of 20K -30K for this hum dinger.