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Things may be getting more blended??

l3rightLights's picture

So I overheard my SO talking with his mother about his son starting a week on and week off routine with him. He hasn't yet discussed it with me.

My SO lives with me and my 2 kids (6&3) and I have only met his son a handful of times. His son is 3. 

Personally I don't immediately wanna to jump into 50/50 right off the bat... maybe start off with making every weekend a solid routine before going 50/50.

Wondering the experiences of others when a Skid starts transitioning more into your life... maybe approaches to make it go smoothly.

Things to avoid? Tips? 

I don't know... I'm not the most thrilled about this but ugh... I should start to prepare. Then at least when the discussion does happen I have some things to bring to the table.

hereiam's picture

Number one rule, your SO must parent, including disciplining when appropriate. The child is not your responsibility to babysit, nor is it on you to provide his needs, financial or otherwise.

The bad part about your situation, is that you don't really have any idea how your SO parents his son or what that dynamic is, or how he behaves, as you've only met the son a handful of times.

Starting slow sounds reasonable, for everyone involved, even your SO and his son.

I certainly hope your SO plans on talking to you about this soon!

How long have you lived together?

hereiam's picture

How long have you been together? Just wondering, since you've only met the son a handful of times. Was it mostly a long distance relationship?

Sounds like things might be moving a bit too fast for you and your kids. Don't let him take over your life.

STaround's picture

Discussed this with his mom before me!

If he is expecting his mom to do childcare just so he can get 50/50, I see a nightmare.  

l3rightLights's picture

The child currently lives with his BM

 SO's mother is super involved and talks with BM. I guess recently there had been discussion of 50/50. Cause BM is having financial trouble. I guess. (*lowkey* *cough cough* so are we. *cough cough*)

Petronella's picture

None of this sounds good for you and your kids. It’s your home and you get to decide who lives there. Why is your SO living in your house? To save money? To have a bigger space for his kid? Why have you only met the 3yo a handful of times, doesn’t your boyfriend have a parenting schedule? 

l3rightLights's picture

When my SO and I met he was staying at his sister's and working outta town. Things started not working out so well at his sister's after awhile and I had my roommate move out so I could use the financial aid. So he moved in. 

I guess BM can be hard to reach and arrange plans with. But it was difficult to make things jive in regards to when he had his days off and when he could get his son. 

Because the working outta town was getting kinda rough on our relationship he did recently find employment around home. Which is why I think the whole having his son more is coming up.

BM and Grandma are like oooo he has a nice place in town and a job this is totally an opportunity. Cause prior to him finding work In town there was zero discussion of more parenting time. He saw his son once a month for a few days to a week.

I did suggest we start taking his son more so he could adjust and learn the behaviour expected at our house... Cause dear Lord this kid just from the few encounters I've had haha... Maybe it would get better if he was around more but... 

 

MurphysLaw's picture

“Cause dear Lord this kid just from the few encounters I've had haha... Maybe it would get better if he was around more but... “

Ah yeah…No.

It does NOT get better.

This is what’s called a “RED FLAG”

If the kid’s father does not or will not parent the kid, keep the kid AWAY from yours FROM THE START.

tog redux's picture

yeah, start slower and make sure it's clear that your SO is the parent of this child, not you. And that he will discipline the child and not let him run amok while yours have rules to follow.  There should also be zero expectation that you are the babysitter and/or primary parent of this kid.

l3rightLights's picture

Currently we live in a 3 bdrm house and the plan was to find a live in Nanny type scenerio to rent the 3rd bdrm and provide childcare 5am-9am until my mom can pick up my kids. As I am finding it extremely difficult to get to work early (I work in trades so a 6am start would be ideal)

My children currently share a bdrm... but if my SO son becomes more involved I may have to scratch the whole renting the 3rd bdrm out idea which would suck cause it would be so convienant to have someone living with us whom can wake up and be with the kids rather then it taking an extra 1.5hrs to get them ready and dropped off prior to me going to work...

I thought it was only going to be a visit once a month for a weekend or so... as SO's son lives in another city close by. Now with in a week all of a sudden there is talk of 50/50...

I feel start with regular weekends and maybe come september... We can put 50/50 on the table?

Just all previous plans getting tossed upside down.

ESMOD's picture

Were you going to pay the "live-in" in addition to providing them a room?  TBH.. I don't think that scenario would be particularly successful.  My brother had a nanny.. but it was really pricey and they didn't live there. 

l3rightLights's picture

More or less find a roommate whom for discounted rent (maybe someone with a pet) that would be cool with just hanging out mon-fri 5am-9am with the kids. (Rent is pretty outrageous where I live and finding pet friendly... good luck) it's a nice room with its own bathroom and walk in closet. So totally suitable for someone who works p/t or what not. I think anyways...

Husband's wife's picture

I know I am the bad guy here but I would do the following : I would go with your plan immediately and hire this live-in nanny. It is even easier if your bf didn’t talk to you about his plans.

Then if he brings the issue, I would say “I am so sorry, we do not have enough space for a 50/50 scenario”. And would gently offer my couch something like once or twice a month.

And on top of the above I personnaly think that it is wrong, to bring HIS kid to YOUR house and impose any scenario. It is your house and it is already nice of you to offer HIM a place to live in.

susanm's picture

He just moved in and suddenly he is talking to a 3rd person about moving his kid in without even talking to you about it first?  And this could completely ruin your plan for childcare so that you can get to work?  Oh hell no!  This guy has balls the size of Kansas!  How are you not steaming mad and ready to tell him to hit the bricks?

l3rightLights's picture

I know his son's current living situation  is not the most ideal. BM moves around a lot and there is rumors she may be pregnant again and she is one of those chicks whom once they have a new baby they could care less about the child prior.

It isn't the kids fault but he is pretty high maintenance and im not to keen on his visits to begin with and the thought of all this is like whoa... I just found out yesterday about the 50/50 idea. I think SO knows I'm not a fond of the idea or at least I won't be when he does bring it up.

I think his mom just would like the kid around more and knows what a mess BM is making of him...

hereiam's picture

It's pretty brazen of him to assume he can just start making arrangements for 50/50, and without even discussing it with you.

If he wants to do the 50/50, it might be best for him to get his own place.

MurphysLaw's picture

Sounds great!

Your boyfriend can move in with his mother & SHE can take care of the kid.

futurobrillante99's picture

OH HELL NO. Your house? SO (not husband) doesn't get to decide by himself that his son will be there 50/50.

The audacity and entitlement!!

Kiwi_koala's picture

Huh? Your boyfriend lives in your home and is thinking about changing his custody schedule without getting your okay first? That's a complete lack of respect for you. Hire your nanny. Who cares about his phone call with his mother. The nerve of this guy. 

Harry's picture

Your. BF is living in your home,  he does not invite others into your home without talking about it to you.  If he is going to do 50/50 there a lot to talk about first.  Where is this kid going to sleep ? Is there room, or should BF get a bigger home ?  Is your BF,ready to take take care of his kid with out your help ? You are not the default babysitter!  He needs a default person to do child care when he can not.  Kid get sick, he stays home to take care of kid ?  He has a job that he can take off like that ? 

You better think really hard begorebypu get into this,  will BM. Dump the kid and he has him 100% of the time ?

l3rightLights's picture

If it does come to like oh it's 50/50 without my consent he and his kid can go stay at his mom's for that week.

hereiam's picture

Stick to your guns on this, do NOT let him steamroll you.

If he were not living in your home, would he even be considering 50/50? You have given him a place to live when he had no place, don't let him take advantage of that.

ESMOD's picture

Please tread with caution.. I hope he is paying a full share of the household expenses.. and not giving you the "well, you were paying without me" drivel.

It seems he has taken your inch and is prepared to stretch it to a mile.  I think you need to take the bull by the horns.. and tell him you overheard part of his conversation.. and that you need to know what his thoughts are because HIM in the house was all you were prepared for right now.

Thisisnotus's picture

Yikes. So this guy lives in your home and he, his mom and BM have decided all of this without your approval. Get OUT. I am not kidding.

There are so many red flags here.....BM and MIL being besties is a HUUUUGE one. Have your SO stay with his mom on the days he will have his child.....if not you will have the kid and MIL up your a$$ and questioning you and reporting back to BM.....ask me how I know?????

You are just entering the world of step hell if you decide to go forward with this.

 

l3rightLights's picture

So when my SO got home I brought up How there was something he was suppose to discuss with me. I expressed my concerns and he says if anything it won't be immediate. He agrees that BM is just thinking she has an opportunity since he recently found employment at home. 

He agrees with just weekends for now and maybe in 6 mo. Or something - when/if a discussion about it will happen.

 

Husband's wife's picture

And find this live-in nanny. When the time will come, you will not have a space. 

Thisisnotus's picture

"it won't be immediate" is another sentence for....I don't want to discuss this with you right now so I'm going to sweep it under the rug by saying it won't happen for quite some time.....but it probably will just be sprung on you out of the blue...and soon.

"BM is just thinking" is another sentence for......I plan to wait on pins and needles while my EX decides what I am to do and then when she makes her decision....I will be a very good boy and immediately do EXACTLY what she says with a smile on my face....and you will accept it or you will cause my poor little angel  child alot of heartache.....and you will cause drama between me and BM...and you don't want that for my angel child do you??

Again, trust me on this. I have been down this road and back....and still going up and down that road. It's the MOST awful situation I have ever been in....in my 40 years on this earth.