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It's that time of day...

Missingme's picture

I dread this time of day because we have an empty nest, nothing to do and my moody hubs is thinking about his adult children who have little to do with him for 2-3 reasons, including me.  I always feel pressure to make something happen in the evenings, but, alas, nothing really fills the emptiness (for him).  

tog redux's picture

Your DH needs a therapist. He sits around in the evenings pining away for his ADULT children? When my minor skid was totally refusing all contact with DH, he didn't do that.

Go out and find something fun for YOU to do, and leave him behind.

Evil3's picture

When my SKs were younger, my DH was like that. He'd pine away whenever they were at BM's and we had them more than half time. No matter what I did, I couldn't get DH interested. I had it out with him many times and told him that he's just not interested in loving anyone unless they're his child. I told him we need to figure out if that can be fixed, because if not, I can't stay in a loveless marriage. He tried after that, but it was a marathon and not a sprint. Many times, I left and did my own thing, including traveling. When he commented, I told him that I will no longer stop my life for him. I tried to b e supportive but it doesn't work and I'm not willing to pine my life away. When I left DH to his own devices a few times, he did not like it and he smartened up. Go and do your thing and if your DH comes around, great, but if he doesn't, then you at least get to enjoy yourself.

Merry's picture

My DH pines now and then too, but nothing like it was. Like Evil3, I just decided to do my own thing. No need to go down the rat hole with him. He could be miserable if he wanted to, but I have a life and it's not my job to make him happy. He didn't like it, but oh well.

At a very low point in our marriage, I insisted that DH get some therapy or I was out. It wasn't just about kids, but partly. That was maybe three years ago and he still goes for "tune ups" now and then. He has turned his life around and is a much better partner and happier man.

There are occassional regressions, especially around the holidays, but we deal with them. Worst part of it now is that when I come home from work he thinks I'm going to be excited about the latest antics of his kids and grandkids. I have perfected the response: "Mmmm hmmm, I'm glad they're well. What should we make for dinner?"

Understand that this is HIS problem that you can't fix. Take care of yourself and your own happiness.

2Tired4Drama's picture

My SO has slid down into the "mopes" with regularity and it's not easy.  Nor do I think it is easily fixed.

He has reached a stage of life where he is terrified to fully retire because he has "nothing" else.  (I guess he considers his life with me "nothing") 

He despairs because he has no friends (he makes no effort to make them).

He despairs because he is bored (yet he refuses to do activities he used to like and has equipment for - boating, biking, etc.)

He despairs because he has no meaningful relationship with SD (yet he helped raise her to be a self-absorbed princess like her mother, who has absolutely NO REGARD or interest in him nor his entire extended family)

He despairs because he is afraid he will have no purpose (yet he refuses to do volunteer work or join civic groups)

Quite frankly, I'm tired of it.  I know it isn't all step-related, and this is just a phase of life for many people (mostly men) but I will be damned if I will keep trying to emotionally pat him on the head while he mopes around.  F-it.

I am going to continue doing what I enjoy.  If it gets to the stage where his mood appears to be permanent, then I will be considering moving on.  If he acted like this when I first met him, I never would have seriously dated him.  Way too negative and crabby. 

 

 

Curious Georgetta's picture

develop outside hobbies and interest  and do not maintain positive relationships with  family and friends, they reach a stage where there is nothing to look forward to ot anticipate.

For many people , it is the anticipation of time spent with grandchildren that adds excitement to the  future. For some, it is the opportunity and freedom to  travel.  For others it is the time to engage in hobbies i.e. golfing, gardening. volunteering, etc.

If you had no  engaging interests or activities throughout your life, those things won't self generate on the back end of your life.

At days end , you really do reap what you have sown. 

 

 

Missingme's picture

First of all, I recommend that you go back to college and re-take English classes, as you cannot write (proper grammar, nor composition).  As such, it is difficult to glean anything helpful (or even hateful) from your comments (It's hard to get past the illiteracy, honestly.)  Your bio says that you are a therapist.  If that's true, it means that you got a degree in psychology--that explains a lot.  And if you truly got a degree in psychology, you would know that being empathetic and positive towards others is crucial to helping them, right?  You lack those qualities.  This is the first and last time that I will comment on anything you throw out there. 

futurobrillante99's picture

You're describing my first husband here. He was SO helpless socially. We'd go out with other couples, but it was usually only once because he was so negative.

He leads a rather boring and lonely life from what I can see, but at least he's not dependent on me for his social interactions and he's not dragging me down any longer.

I'm not recommending divorce, but I would surely LIVE MY LIFE and let him pout alone.

I would simply say to a man like that: Your attitude is your choice and I trust that when you're ready, you'll figure out how to make your life more interesting. Toodles. I'm off to an adventure.

Monkeysee's picture

He does this every day? There’s something wrong with him, I suggest counselling. Or a boot up the ass. Stop trying to fix his boo boos, all you’re teaching him is his behaviour is normal & it’s your job to make it all better. It’s not. He’s a grown assed man who needs to sort his sh*t out.

Missingme's picture

Thanks to most of the commenters on my initial post for taking the time.  To clarify, my hubs isn't socially inept, I just get weary of worrying that he's going to be in the dumps because we might have nothing to do and therefore nothing to take his thoughts off his disrespectful and self-centered adult SKs who alienate him because they and their BM can't control him anymore (which includes getting money from him).  Someone said he needs a therapist.  I agree, but it won't happen.  And this behavior didn't start with me.  Did I mention that any holiday is even worse?  I used to look forward to holidays.  Now I dread them for the same reason above.  While I love my hubs, I do miss the old days when holidays were festive and carefree.  Going out without him more and it feels good to free my mind of this.