Inviting BM to stay with us...
Y'all... I need to know if I did something crazy LOL
DH and I live 5 hours away from BM. We have full-custody of SD, who is almost 8, and BM takes her for summer visitation (about a month and a half) and that's it.
We are currently getting ready to move to another province. Now we'll be 21 hours away from BM. She will still get SD for summer visitation, but I went ahead and let her know if she wants to fly out for march break, she is welcome to stay with us. I didn't do this for BM, I did it for SD. So she knows that although we are moving away with her, we still value her relationship with her mother. DH didn't really care either way. He said he personally wouldn't of invited her, but he's fine with it if I am.
Our relationship is quite strong and SD has never expressed a desire for her parents to be together because she doesn't remember a time without me in her life. We have a great relationship and I've been living with her full-time since she was almost 2 years old.
Now I'm wondering... Did I do something stupid? Will it be weird? And what can I do to avoid it being weird? I'm really only looking at what's in the best interest of SD - but will this confuse her? Like I said, she's fully aware that DH and I are married, her primary parents, etc.
Do you get along with BM? I
Do you get along with BM? I spent a couple nights in the home of my sister's husband's ex-wife, for my step-niece's graduation. It was awkward but fine. It was before I was a stepparent and now, I can't believe my sister did that! But the BM was not crazy and everyone got along well.
Oh that's good to hear. We do
Oh that's good to hear. We do get along!
it’s perfectly fine
I am on friendly terms wuth exDH and SM and I stayed in their house. My exDH stayed in my house twice as well. Then few years back we all stayed together in a rented house (event pertained to DD). We all get along. So why not.
ExDH and I have been divorced for 28 years (we were 25 then and are 53 now) and are both happily remarried. No one is confused who is married to whom. Do what feels right for you and don’t worry about other people
Thank you! This is great.
Thank you! This is great. Glad to hear of other people's experiences.
Maybe approach it as an
Maybe approach it as an experiment? And since your BM is a bit of a lazy butt, drill down on the specifics beforehand:
I would hate to see you get involved in a scenario where an entitled BM shows up and expects you to pick up the tab while she sits on the couch. She already gets away with not adequately supporting her daughter. Also, do you think your SD will find this confusing?
This is such a good point -
This is such a good point - and one I didn't think of at all. I will have to talk with my husband about this.
I assume she'll be treated as a guest, however, it's also a visit with her daughter - so she will have to find her own activities/ways to spend time with SD at her own cost. She is quite a timid person and is very much so not confrontational so I imagine she would go to bed when we do, clean up after herself, and overall, just follow our lead.
My husband and I did discuss that we would expect SD to follow our rules as it's our household. BM differs in parenting in terms of letting SD do what she wants, go to bed when she wants, eat what she wants, etc. whereas we have a lot more structure. Should we give BM a heads up that SD will still follow the normal household rules or let it come up naturally?
I'm not going to lie Sunshine
I'm not going to lie Sunshine, this is a looong visit and it could get very messy. In my experience, being too nice in steplife seldom ends well.
Maybe you should make a list of points to discuss with your DH (including some worst case scenarios), brainstorm together, and then have him contact his ex to go over them? He could couch it as wanting to give the visit every possible chance for success. I worry that if BM is such a passive person, it will be like hosting an exchange student and instead of having a break from one kid, you'll end up caring for an extra one.
It's actually only 1 week
It's actually only 1 week (march break) that she would come up, but I could see how it could feel like forever.
I do imagine it'll be like caring for an extra kid, but the nice thing is, I have enough say/authority over SD that I can couch most problems. IE. if BM and SD make a mess cooking/playing, I can easily tell SD to clean up after herself. I would imagine her mother would follow through to avoid conflict. But I do like the idea of coming up with a list and having DH talk to BM about it!
Adding one:
Adding one:
It depends on the relationship
It depends on the relationship you have with the BM and yours sounds ok. If the BM was high conflict and troublesome you would not want to do this. It could NEVER work with my husband's ex as she is Crazy and were pretty sure is borderline personality disorder. BUT, my ex-husband and my husband get along great!! So I could see it working with him. Also my ex-husbands second wife I would definitely let her stay with us if need be. My son still considers her his step-mom even though my ex and her are divorced and he has married again. We like her too but don't know her as well....
As many have said many of us here deal with crazy manipulative BM's that you would not want in your home!!! It is crazy how different my husbands' situation is from mine!! My son has had 2 step-moms now and I have gotten along with both!!
My point is it is all about the dynamics of the relationship between you and her and her and your husband. How do they get along? That is going to matter a lot too. It doesn't sound like she is manipulative trying to get him back or any of the things we sometimes deal with. It is kind of you to do that but a hotel might have been a better idea with her visiting every day and having meals with you but taking the awkward things out of it like where she sleeps and showers.... Baby steps and then if this works maybe some other time she could stay. But now you have also opened it up and set a precedent so if it is uncomfortable now next time when she wants to come again you would have to either let her and be uncomfortable or say no....
I've been in the opposite situation
Before DH and I moved to be closed to his girls we did two trips down here . BM and the girls really wanted us to sleep at theirs the 2nd time. We did not because
1. There were tensions on our end due to BM being a snake and moving them
And
2. The boundaries with them being very young.
Your situation is very very different. I think you were being hospitable and I think BM will likely still get a hotel because she will want time one on one with the kid and not in the usual envoirnment. If not just try to set some simple rules with DH but I do doubt she'll take you up on it
Also person above mentioned who mentioned the sexual aspect... Please no. Her DH and BM spilt for a reason and if OP was worried she would not have allowed it
Ha, it's funny, I've always
Ha, it's funny, I've always said I wouldn't worry about my husband in a room full of naked beautiful women. He's such a moral, faithful man. I've even TAKEN him to the stripclub - his first time ever LOL he never went before because he felt it was degrading to women. It took a lot of convincing (and quite a few drinks) to get him there.
Not worried one bit!
Any guest staying in my home
Any guest staying in my home for a week would drive me nuts - even if it's my own family! (Maybe esp if it's my family!)
That's so true. I'm the same
That's so true. I'm the same way. I'm just thinking she's such a passive, timid person that she'll stay out of the way. Everytime I've been around her in a social setting, she's actually quite awkward and clings to me/follows my lead - even though we're not like, besties or anything. She just doesn't feel comfortable in like, any scenario, so I feel like she'll go with the flow and keep to herself a lot!
Hopefully it works out well.
Hopefully it works out well.
Good luck.
If she isn’t a hcgubm, pas narcissist etc
And you get along amicably then i think its ok if you feel comfortable about it. Just like you feel when family from overseas stay over for a week or 2.
if she is abusive and disrespectful then it would be a hell no.
maybe your husband feels awkward about her being at your home but doesn’t want to say that and thats why he said he wouldn’t have invited her if he had a choice
Yikes! I mean I personally
Yikes! I mean I personally would never even invite BM into my house at all, let alone to stay for a week. But if you have a good relationship and are comfortable with it, that's all that matters. Everyone's situation is different. Hopefully it will go by quickly. I'm sure your SD will be thankful.
Unless I misread-I think the
Unless I misread-I think the only problem was not consulting how your DH felt about it first as he's stated some discomfort. I think in some scenarios where everyone gets along it's ok...but yeah-I would have asked dh first. It's all about boundaries.
To me it's overstepping
To me it's overstepping boundaries. But if you guys can do it, go you!!!
I think a few things to consider:
If you can make it work though, that's awesome for you!!!!
Every situation is different.
Every situation is different. BM here is absolutely not welcome in my home right now, not even to use the bathroom let alone overnight, but even that may change with time.
Awkward is a guarantee at first, but of everyone gets along it should be okay.