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Why DH, why?

stepmominhiding's picture

When DH and I got together,  he said how much he hated BM,  how much of a liar she was, how much he knew he couldn't trust a word out of her mouth. and how much he had her in control. How awesome, right? He's got his shit under control! 

When we first started dating, I pretty much had no clue what went on between DH and BM. How would I know,  I'm not there at pick up or drop off. Then I saw signs here or there,  excessive communication (seriously,  several texts a day every single day plus almost daily phone calls), I told him all this made me uncomfortable, I wanted to give him space until he could sort things out, or we would just see other people.  He stopped the excessive communications with BM.

Then BM wanted to do a joint birthday party,  I was like, oh shit, this is gonna suck,  I already knew it. DH kept asking her fot info, so that he could tell his family.  She never gave him any information about it, accept for the price. So, he paid his half,  but wasn't able to invite any friends or family.  But I put my big girl panties on and went to the party, anyways. I  even bought this big fancy Nancy doll (her favorite book was fancy Nancy). 

Well,  that sucked, but DH promised he'd never do a joint bday again,  and he hasn't.  But he's started doing something else that is really bothering me. 

Now that sd is older,  he's having to go to events that BM is part of,  and I get that,  there will be times that he has ti do that.  But what he's doing is talking about things that are really personal. He says he's just making small talk.   His dad died a year ago, and we were looking into rehoming his dad's dog,  well he offered the dog to BM. Weird! Now, we're in a real financial crunch,  his business is going under,  so now he's looking for a new job.  Well he told BM,  and gave her all the details. This isn't small talk,  this is very much big talk.  None of this is her business. Ive told DH that he needs to stop talking to BM about our business. He just doesn't get it. 

CLove's picture

and just tell him over and over what your boundaries are. DH and I have had that conversation many times, and he has spilled many many many perosnal things about me and our lives togther. I just had to repeat myself a bunch. I had to insist on boundaries and insist on their enforcement, and really spell things out.

stepmominhiding's picture

I just feel like I shouldn't have to correct him over and over again. It gets old really fast. Im beginning to fantasize about not being with him.  But I can't know if it's  because of the whole financial thing or if it's because I get tired of DH confiding in BM, or if it's both. If we weren't in this financial crunch would I be happier in our relationship?  I don't know.  So I stay. 

Siemprematahari's picture

But what he's doing is talking about things that are really personal.

What makes him so comfortable to be able to share these personal things with his XW? What is so hard for him to comprehend that some things are private and she shouldn't be privy to NONE of it. If it doesn't have to do with their child/children than I don't see why they should be having any other type of conversations. Shut this down and do it now because he's violating some major boundaries.

I'm not one to keep telling a grown @ss man over and over again that he's violating. He does it again he needs to feel your wrath because now he's being inconsiderate and straight stupid.

stepmominhiding's picture

I don't know why he feels sho comfortable.  They haven't been together in 14 years,  and even then, they were only together for 1 year! Why, that's what I want to know,  but he insists it was just small talk.... maybe he's just that dumb!  I hate it.  Small talk isn't supposed to be personal

Harry's picture

He not over BM,  There more attachment then SK.   He should not be talking to BM about anything except visitation, medical, schools, vacations ect.  Not family small talk.  Would your DH like you doing this with someone who you lived with.

 Lay down the law now.  No talking, texting and emails only.  He must save text and e mails  so you can read them.  He should have nothing to hide from you.  

stepmominhiding's picture

He's 100% over BM. This isn't my worry.  I just hate when all my private issues are aired out to anyone, especially someone I dislike. That's where i am coming from.  Also BM is like a snake.  She'll be all nice and charming,  then bite you when you least expect it. Probably more like a rabbid dog,  snakes actually give warnings if you pay attention. Any time she's played nice, she's turned around and burned us on so many occasions. 

still learning's picture

He must save text and e mails  so you can read them.  

She should be policing her husband and controlling his conversations? Do you really think that's going to make anything better? If he wants to talk to BM he's going to find a way to do it. All she'd be doing is making BM a more desirable person to talk to.  Micromanaging his life will only push him towards her.  

I witnessed this with my exH's relationships. Wife #2 got right in the middle of everything so he wouldn't talk with me. I had to email her about kids, medical, visitation, etc. Next thing I know they're getting divorced because she's "soooo controlling," his words.  And yes, he vented to me like I should care or feel sorry for him. Same thing is happening with his wife #3. She's intercepting emails and responding for exH, english is her second language so it's actually quite comical that she's trying to pass herself off as him and signing her name on his emails.  I can only guess that either one or both of them will grow weary of this scenerio.  

Personally, I have nothing to do with DH's ex wife or their communication. I don't ask and I don't care.  If it ever becomes an issue I'll bring it up but it will be me that will be changing what I do, meaning I won't be hanging around putting up with it.  I can't think of anything more miserable than reading the old bags texts or emails and policing DH.  She's not that interesting and if he really wanted her back they can have each other.  

Chelseybychelsey's picture

You're a fool for staying.

He cares more about his ex then you. You know this.

Rags's picture

My crazy XW thought that we would be buddies and lovers after our divorce.  I can't see sharing intimate details with an X about my life.  My financial condition, relationships, and life are none of an Xs business even if I had kids with that X.

A divorce ends intimacy, sharing, communication, etc, etc, etc... with the very limited and controlled exception if there are joint spawn.  Even then... limitations need to be strickly enforced.

Rags's picture

Divorce ends all intimate sharing of information.  No discussion of next relationships, money, etc, etc, etc.....With the limited and very controlled exception of joint kids.  Then communication should be limited to only kid related critical topics unless both Xs are reasonable people and can reasonably communicate without betraying any new partners in the  mix.

My XW wanted to be friends and lovers after our divorce was final.  My answer to that was "I was married to you, what makes you think I want to date you?  You wouldn't have sex while we were married, why would you think that I would want you now that we are divorced?"  Nope, that didn't happen.  In fact the day she moved out I had a date that night and had the locks rekeyed within two hours of her departure.  

I have always struggled with the concept that an X might think that they have any say or right to a say in the live of their X or believe that they have any stature in the life or eyes of their X.  For the rare people that can have a decent relationship after a divorce, I applaud them.  

Most people, nope.  They get to STFU when the relationship is over.  They are the X for a reason.

THe relationship is over, they are no longer a concern or a priority.