How To Ruin A College Graduation Party
I have FINALLY gotten enough time to recount the fiasco known as SD26’s college graduation party. Good thing I recorded, filmed, and wrote down key notes! This is long…
It’s been a month since SD26 graduated from college. Invitations were limited to two guests. DH and I were invited. BioHo was NOT and ‘Ho was absolutely incensed. In an attempt to appease the beast known as BioHo, SD26 decided to have a party following the ceremony. At a bar. Big mistake. YUGE.
The ceremony was very nice and I took a video of SD26 walking up to the podium, accepting her diploma. After the ceremony, we gave her a bouquet of flowers, took some pics of her and her two favorite professors, and had pics taken with SD. Then we all loaded into my car to drive to the bar (SD’s DH was there and they didn’t want to take 2 cars).
It was a 45 minute drive to the bar. The entire time, SD is saying to me, “OMG, Aniki, I HATE this kind of thing. I HATE being the center of attention! Oh gawd, what was I THINKING?? Why didn’t I just tell everyone we could just have lunch together? OMG, this was SUCH a bad idea. I feel like we’re driving to my DOOM.” I tried telling her it would be fine, but… SD must have had a glimpse into a crystal ball…
SD’s DH’s car (he brought their 2 kids), her In-Law’s car, and the ‘Ho Mobile are in the parking lot. We walk in to see everyone sitting as follows at the 4 tables pushed together:
‘Ho’s purse was at the “head” of the table. Down the side to ‘Ho’s left, were Mr. Pinhead, Spawn11, SGK3, SD's DH, SGK8, and FIL. Down the right side of the table were ‘Ho’s mother, SS16, SD26, my DH, me, and MIL. Do you think SD26’s ILs knew to keep their distance from ‘Ho? I wonder who else immediately noticed we totaled 13...
SD’s DH (henceforth referred to as BD for Baby Daddy) was talking and being silly with their 2 kids. The ILs were watching and laughing. At the other end, ‘Ho’s mother and Mr. Pinhead were talking quietly. Spawn11 was kicking SS16 under the table.
Knock it off
Will you stop already
SS shoved his chair back. Spawn damn near fell under the table trying to kick SS again.
Look there! At the bar! It’s a barge! It’s a pain! It’s BioHo!!!
Wearing the same see-through yellow blouse she wore to SS19’s graduation 2 years ago and SD23’s graduation last year. Except this time, she’d paired it with black spandex capris with sheer panels and flip flops. If ever an oversized bumblebee could look like a slut, it was ‘Ho.
What was ‘Ho doing? Standing at the bar, trying to flirt with the bartender who, by the pained expression on his face, looked like he was giving birth to elephant quadruplets. There were 2 empty shotglasses and another full one in front of her (I’m sure none of them were the bartenders) and 'Ho giggling, “Don’t get no ideas ‘bout me! I know I’m fun and I’m hawt, but I’m married!” ~throws back third shot~
The unfortunate young man twisted his lips in what I assume was an attempt at a smile and said, “no worries, ma’am” and kept pouring shots for the tray next to him.
"Ma’am?! I bet I’m younger than your mother! How old do you think I am??” ~tilts her head, smushes her tits up and out, and bats her lashes~
“Um, er, gosh I don’t know.” (he looks so miserable and mortified! I take pity and head to the get us drinks.)
“Uuuuuuuuh, oh, I guess, uuuuuuh, I dunno, maybe, uuuuuuh… 59, 60?”
“SIXTY?! Are you f*cking kidding me?? Do these LOOK like the tits of a 60 year old??? Sixty! JAYSUS F*CKING CHR!ST! SIXTY!!”
“Um, well, I’m not real good at ages…”
‘Ho (pointing at me), “How old does SHE look?!”
“Oh, jeez, uuuuhhh.... maybe 40?”
“WHAT?! That b*tch is 12 years OLDER than me! FORTY!!!!”
“Uh, sorry, ma’am. Told ya I’m bad with ages. Uh, here’s your drinks.” And hands her the tray of shots.
‘Ho stomps back to the table and starts bitching. (dontcha love how flip flops smack and squeak when someone tries to stomp in them??).
DH gets up and joins me at the bar. We order.
Next thing we know. Ol’ 60yo Tits is back, shoving a card in DH’s face.
Ho: HERE. You owe me $5.
DH: What’s that?
Ho: A card for you to give SD26. You owe me $5.
DH: Nope. I don’t. We have a card for SD.
Ho: ~whining~ But I got this for you to give to her. You owe me $5.
DH: Return it.
Ho: WHO BOUGHT THE CARD?
DH: Aniki and I did.
Ho: You mean SHE did.
Ho: SHE is NOT SD’s mother. I AM!!!
DH: You’re a mother, alright. ~takes my arm and we walk back to the table with our drinks~
‘Ho comes flop-smaking back to the table and is immediately incensed that SD is sitting next to DH.
“SD, you need to sit by ME. Move over, Ma.”
‘Ho’s mother uses a walker. Way to go, ‘Ho. SS helped his grandma move into his seat (right next to the one she was in) and he sits next to DH. Spawn’s lip juts out as she can no longer try to kick SS under the table.
Ho: Shots, everyone! I bought all us adults shots!!! By everyone, ‘Ho meant shots for herself, Mr. Pinhead, SD, SD’s ILs, BD, DH, and me. ‘Ho grabs the tray and smack-flops her way to the ILs.
“You have to have a shot!” The ILs politely decline.
“Jaysus. Whatever. SHOTS!! Take one!!” To DH and me.
Simultaneously, DH said “no” and I said “no, thank you”.
Ho: Don’t be f*cking party poopers.
DH: We don’t want them. Thanks anyway.
Ho: What the f*ck. Has SHE got your BALLS in her purse? Take a damn shot!”
DH: NO. Thanks anyway.
Ho: Take them for later. ~slams 2 shots down in front of us~
Ho: BD, take your shot!
BD: Uh, thanks, but I can’t. I’m driving.
Ho: JFC. Shitty f*ckin’ bunch o’ tee-toters! (yes, she said TEE TOTERS)
Ho: HERE, SD. YOU need to take TWO. ~slams two in front of SD and one in front of Mr. Pinhead~
Ho: Drink up, drink up! SD finally graduated!
‘Ho, Mr. Pinhead, and SD tossed back shots. DH and I didn’t touch the ones sitting in front of us. A good song started playing and, no surprise, ‘Ho tosses back that second shot in front of SD and starts caterwauling, er, singing (oh, our facking ears).
Mr. Pinhead: Hey, SD, why don’t you make a speech? (anything to shut up your wife, Pinhead?)
SD: Oh, well…. (‘Ho stops singing – yay - grabs one of the ILs shots and throws it back. C'mon - you knew she was gonna drink them!). Thank you all for being here. Mom, MIL, I appreciate all you’ve done, helping BD and me with our kids while I did this. Grandma, you never stopped pushing me to keep going. FIL, the many times my old car wouldn’t run, you made sure I got to school. Dad, I can’t thank you enough for paying for my first year. I wouldn’t be standing here if you hadn’t gotten me started. Aniki, (‘Ho throws back the last shot and slams down the glass) when I wanted to give up, you wouldn’t let me. No matter what I did – and I did some awful stuff (referencing the past couple of years before we reconciled) – you kept telling me I could do it and that you had faith in me. You never stopped believing in me. I love you (‘all’ was lost as …)”
(‘Ho jumps up, knocking her chair over)
Ho: I’M your mother!! GAWDAMMIT! I AM YOUR MOTHER!!! That barren bitch is NOTHING!! Do you hear me?! SHE’S F*CKING NOTHING!!!!
Mr. Pinhead tried to get BioHo to sit down. She shook his hand off her arm, but he persisted. At which point, ‘Ho grabbed an empty shot glass and threw it at him.
“Get off me! Get yer GD hands off me! Don’t you GD touch me, you dickless f*ck!!! She’s MY GD daughter and that barren f*cking bitch is trying to STEAL MY DAUGHTER! Stop f*cking touching me!!” Pinhead wouldn’t let go of ‘Ho’s arm and she continued shrieking. then started hitting him.
Table participants as this tantrum occurs?
‘Ho’s mother is frowning, looking down, and shaking her head.
SS16 is sitting there with his mouth hanging open, staring at his pyscho mother.
The ILs grabbed their grandkids and left.
BD came around the long way to SD, who was sitting and sobbing into her hands, gently pulled her to her feet, wrapped his arms around her, and walked her out.
Spawn was laughing like a crazed hyena.
I picked up SD’s purse, card, and flowers and DH tapped SS on the shoulder and motioned him to come with us.
As we were on our way out, the police were walking in.
SD26 is still not speaking to BioHo.
And THAT, my dear STalkers, is a sure fire way to ruin a graduation party!