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Update on "speaking of BMs who think the they own the kids"

tog redux's picture

DH had dinner with SS19 tonight. He wants to take the year off from college next year. He says he doesn't like school (what a surprise), and he's been fighting with BM.  DH asked about the green card (without telling him BM had emailed him) and he said he "had always been interested in getting one".  Uh-huh.  DH told him he'd need to come up with the money (about $2000) and that perhaps he should ask BM, since DH was paying her a lot of money in child support every month.

SS also brought up one of the big issues that had always bothered him in regard to DH (and I assume helped lead to the alienation) - that DH supposedly "made" BM sell a sports car she had when they met.

That's it, folks - he didn't speak to his dad for 3 years because he supposedly made BM sell a sports car that she owned.

But - at least he's talking about it now.  DH let him know that they agreed she'd sell the car because it was a two-seater and there were the three of them plus BM's older kids. 

Anyway - all encouraging news.  DH doesn't have to pay tuition next year, SS is coming out of his alienation, and maybe with a green card he will move to be with his girlfriend, and child support can be stopped too.

And BM will be ignored.


Harry's picture

Yes this kid has his head on right.  Not talking to his father because SS does not haves sport car older then him.  

advice.only2's picture

Maybe I was in the trenches of stephell too long because I’m reading this seeing how the BM is setting up a whole ploy using SS as the bait and DH just took it.  I sincerely hope I’m wrong.

tog redux's picture

Interesting. How so? I hadn’t thought of that angle. What more can she take from DH? She’s at her max for CS and she already alienated SS. 

Notup4it's picture

I would say just to impose herself into his life, and be a presence.  She has jack all she can go after now, and she knows this. 

tog redux's picture

She will try, I'm sure! But SS is a grown man now. This is all stuff he has to do himself.  She can help, but she doesn't need to talk to DH to do that.

advice.only2's picture

BM knows DH won't talk to her, so instead she deploys SS to "talk to his dad about a green card" This way DH will help get SS set up with one, all while BM is out working her angle of SS either staying in school or something else.

BM will come back at DH with "How dare you try and force my son into getting a green card when he is working on XYZ in college" or some such garbage.

SS will go radio silent with DH as BM will employ her PAS tactics back on SS that "see how your father almost forced you into gettting a green card and ruining your future."

DH will be left in the rubble of yet another scenario BM created using SS as the bait.

tog redux's picture

Interesting - like a movie plot!

I don't think that will happen. I think BM's plan has fallen apart, both because he doesn't want to go back to college and he's met this new girlfriend.  She doesn't really think a green card will ruin his life, just that it will enable him to get out from under her control. But deep in her black heart, she doesn't want him to be deported. 

More likely is that SS will take the green card and then just stop talking to DH for some stupid reason or other.

advice.only2's picture

Lol well I think we have all proven on here that most BM's can come up with better movie plots and carry them out than Hollywood.

I really do hope it turns out good, but like I said I'm a cynic.

Monkeysee's picture

A sports car is what helped alienate SS from his dad? Dear lord, with three kids & a husband how much sense would a two seater have made anyways? Why would the kid even care about that? 

tog redux's picture

Just a little boy reacting to his mother’s lies. Now he’s an adult and it’s stuck with him. 

ETA: I could see her telling 9-10 yo SS that if DH hadn't "made" her sell her sports car, they'd have a fun car to ride around in, and he  would be able to drive it someday ... many boys' dream.

It's alienation - rejecting loved parents for frivolous reasons.

tog redux's picture

The funny part to me is that BM herself actually ruminates about that damn sports car, that she chose to sell.

Winterglow's picture

It's ridiculous - what kind of condition does he imagine the car would be in now, nearly 20 years later? 

tog redux's picture

Well, BM also fancies herself a mechanic so I’m sure she told him she’d have it all fixed up for him. But yes, that’s the lack of critical thinking that alienated kids show. 

Cooooookies's picture

The sports car things is not SS's thoughts or words.  That's alienation at it's finest.  You can bet BM will kick off at DH's suggestion of actually spending child support on the child.  If this is the way she remains relevant in DH's life and be in "control", she's going to milk it for every second.

I'm happy that SS is talking to your DH but it will come at a price.  Hopefully he gets sick of BM's poop and starts thinking for himself.

shamds's picture

Ridiculous, illogical and stupid it is. They don’t see the logic, the common sense in things... that part of their brain was shut down thanks to bio mums pas...

my 2sd’d told their dad bio mum went to witch dr’s for spiritual healing, that her family do black magic crap... but this got turned into hubby did black magic on their mum. 

but sd’s say she’s sane and a genuinely changed person... thats an example how embarassing it is for me to see them like this... friggin ridiculous and how can i even consider leaving my 2 toddlers in their care ever?

at family events i told hubby he doesn’t palm our kids off to crazy sd’s... if they believe the crap bio mum spews and does with no concerns or issues, that has me majorly worried what they’re really getting up to

tog redux's picture

Yes, that's one of the hallmarks of alienation. Rejecting a parent for ridiculous reasons.

I hate my father because he made my mother sell her sports car. 

Siemprematahari's picture

Absolutley ridiculous! All this BS over a two seater sports car. Aside from that I hope SS starts thinking for himself and is more logical when it comes to the crap his mother tells him. I hope your H and his son develop a better and closer relationship. They are long over due.

STaround's picture

I cannot imagine my not helping kid to pay for, if kid raised in the US.  Does dad live in Canada?   And I think it is absurd to think that CP should pay all of out CS.  I also think that as much as you rant an rave about CS, you also mention that your DH benefited wth a property settlement from his ex (which absent nothing else, I think is fair), but why should not dad pay out of that. 



tog redux's picture

First off, he didn't say she had to pay for all of it - secondly, there was no property settlement. You are mixing me up with someone else. 

He pays her 1K in CS every month.  That's half of what the court has designated for them to use to support this 19 yo - so she is in charge of 2K worth of CS every month.

If the kid wants a Green Card, he can ask Mommy to help him with the exorbitant CS she controls.  She didn't do f*** all to help him get citizenship herself. 

STaround's picture

Your DH got part of her retirement money - I would consider that a property settlement. 

He can ask either parent to help.  IMHO, not appropiate to suggest that she use CS for this.  

tog redux's picture

Oh please. She makes 100K a year, plus another 12K for CS, to support 2 people.  She can help out. I don't care what funds she takes it out of. 


STaround's picture

Not your place or DH's place to tell her what to spend, nor hers to tell dad what to spend.  I think both parent should help with green card. 

tog redux's picture

Well, then we agree, because I think both should help too.  All he told SS was to ask his mother for help because she gets lots of extra money per month.  SS is a 19-year-old, 6'2",  hairy MAN.  He can work with both of his parents to figure out who will help him with this. He's not a little kid anymore. 

STaround's picture

He can and should say i will pay X dollars.  To say you should as mom for money becuase she gets CS is out of line.   It is alienation.  

tog redux's picture

Yes, I know you have the typical BM attitude that only men are responsible to pay for their children's needs.  It's not alienation to tell a grown man how much money he pays his mother for CS, and suggest that perhaps he might want to ask her for help. 

You need to brush up on your alienation awareness. 

STaround's picture

He is saying that MOM should spend CS as HE directs.  What does he think kid will think?  MOm is bad mom if she does not do that. 

secret's picture

This child isn't 5. He's nearly an adult, and has a foot on the launch pad. If he can't be partly responsible with respect to HOW this 2k gets spent when it's supposed to be, in it's 2k entirety, meant for his support.... then perhaps he should ask his mother to show him how she's spending 2k on him like she's supposed to be doing.

besides, they didn't say mom should pay, they said mom should pay TOO....with the money meant for him....

This young adult should have somewhat of a say as to how he needs to be supported. Ain't like the 2k is going to pull-ups.

Notup4it's picture

Should dad have to pay CS, plus this all himself?! Nope. How is saying he doesn’t have the money for it because he pays CS alienation? Or that the mom has extra alienation? I think telling your kids that you DO pay CS is actually counter alienation on dad’s part..... the “kid” (who is really an adult) SHOULD know that he does!!!! 

tog redux's picture

In your world, are Child Support dollars somehow a different color than money she earns herself? 

STaround's picture

I dont think an ex has the right to tell other ex how to spend money.   Money is money.   Adults get to decide how they spend money.   

secret's picture

Actually, yes. It's child support, not babymama support. The money is not meant for her bills, it's meant to support the child. Mama can go without getting her hair and nails done for a while and provide the money meant to support the young adult TO the young adult, so that he can launch.

Like a mother's supposed to do.

Not like a money-hungry grinch keeping the child's support money for her own needs. It's not meant for HER.

tog redux's picture

Yes. Or she can spend her 100K salary on herself and use the child support to you know, support the child. 

secret's picture

Isn't that what the court did when they told dad to give mom 2k FOR THE CHILD....? I never heard of a court saying to a dad to give 2k to the mom but she can choose to only spend 50$ of it on the child because it's her money now.... because it isn't... it's the child's.......

Notup4it's picture

He suggested he asked her to help.... just like mom suggested the son have his dad help (finally).  

Dad cant pay for the whole thing and don’t think there is a prob telling the adult kid why. 

twoviewpoints's picture

The young man is going off to spend the summer with his GF.

How about, if he wants to stay in the States, he get a f-ing summer job? He could easily make the $2,000 all by himself. Even if that means busing tables, flipping burgers or retail store. 

tog redux's picture

He can't work in the states, legally, anyway. He should go off to Canada and work there, but he won't.  Claims he's going to work  under the table where GF lives.

I told DH at the very least, have him come work at our house to earn credit towards helping him. 


secret's picture

So... if he lives with GF over the summer... babymama doesn't need the 2k a month for support, right? Give the kid the money for that time and tell babymama to get bent

Harry's picture

There is no problem to buy a broken down 20 year old sport car. And BM and DS can fix it up for no costs. Just rebuilt everything 

tog redux's picture

Yep, wouldn't that be logical? She could do that.  But she'd prefer to just blame DH for all that goes wrong in her world.

secret's picture

PS... my son just went through driving school... when he asked if i would pay for it... I told him that I'd pay for a portion of it. I told him to ALSO ask his father for financial assistance, and we can all discuss how much we're all willing and able to pay.

In the end, grandparents offered to pay half IF he saved up the other half... so they paid half, and then his dad and I both pitched in to cover his half.

It's pretty normal for parents to share expenses when it comes to a child. I mean... it's only NORMAL for a child to ask BOTH parents for help. Not sure why it's a big deal for the dad to tell the kid to also ask the mom for help. hell, he could even suggest to the kid why don't you hit up gramma/grandpa for some gift money, too?

DH already paid his share... not his fault the BM kept it. it's not HER money.

tog redux's picture

Yes, exactly.  DH said, you'll need money to pay for it. SS said, I'll save it up!  DH said, that's good, maybe you could ask your mother as well, I give her X amount of child support a month.

To review - said "child" is 19 years old. He can get married, join the army and drink (in Canada). He should know what CS is and what is paid for him. 

notasm3's picture

This is a young man who has a history of being a total ahole. No way I would give him an extra penny over the stupid CS. For what - so be can turn around and ridicule his father and ghost him again for being a such a sucker?