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Boundaries with BM - am I being unreasonable?

staceystepmom's picture

Last week we had an incident my partner had to have a difficult conversation with the biomom and advocate his daughter. I was his support person for this.

Now the biomom just come back and said she has taken me off the list for preschool pick ups and drop offs. I really love my step daughter, and work shift work, so it's really nice to be able to have some mornings or afternoons with her during the week.

I want my partner to put in a boundary and say that it is not okay for the biomom to do this. He says can't be bothered with the drama it will cause, so he isn't going to.

Am I being unreasonable by feeling really hurt by him not standing up for me?

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

Firstly, if it’s his parenting time then he can choose who picks up his kid and when.

Secondly, she’s not your kid. I, with heartfelt affection, advise to stop the additional one on one bonding time with the kid. You’re no married to her dad? Double advise to take a step back.

tog redux's picture

Yes, this. Also - stop "advocating" for her with her mother, that's just poking the beast. Let your SO and BM work out their conflicts without you chiming in (of course you are on your SO's side, what's the point of adding your two cents?)

Let SO and BM handle their kid.  Butting in like that irritates BM and makes her target you. 

Annoyed1's picture

Count your blessings. WHEN (not if, but when) BM decides to add you back on, tell her no. Right now this is a power play by BM that will eventually come to bite her in the butt. She's going to change her mind about that quickly when she realizes that it's in her best interest to "allow" you to pick up HER child. Just be happy about this. Trust me.


Cbarton12's picture

Um. Your SO should be able to add you to the list. As he is the parent too and has a say as to who can pick up the child. 

twoviewpoints's picture

In your original posting on the blog side, you stated your SO's parenting time is weekends. 

He's not receiving parenting time some weekday mornings and afternoons , why should he demand you be? If you have been offering to do some babysitting during the week for BM on what is BM's parenting time, she has every right to tae you off the pick-up/drop-off preschool approval list. 

Parenting time is for the parents, and that's not you. I understand you have concerns about possible violence in the child's BM's home (but not against the child), and yes, that's worrisome. You've contacted CPS.... but your SO can not just demand you be able to parent instead of him (who obviously isn't home) or BM (who actually holds that weekday parenting time. 

If your SO is as worried about possible violence an his daughter witnessing it as you are, he is going to have to be the one who pursues this. He can go to the courts and try adjusting custody time, he can phone in report after report of any new incidents to CPS .... but what he can not do is set some 'boundary' demanding you be allowed access to the child on BM's time (you do have your sense of 'boundary' mixed up here). 


Rags's picture

Have your partner go to the preschool and add you to the pick up and drop off list.  BM can fuck off.


Chelseybychelsey's picture

Doesn't want the conflict do you blame him?

Dogmom1321's picture

Count your blessings! When SK goes to grade school, remind them how pick up/drop off is their responsibility. This includes and clubs/activities. You are dodging a bullet right now by not becoming an official chauffeur. You will be happy down the road! 

Don't forget - pick your battles. This isn't one to pick. 

Missingme's picture

Not to be mean, but you aren't the child's stepparent, and if the BM wants to pick their child up, she should and probably does have the first right of refusal.  I agree with others here that you should be careful to not get so attached, as the child's dad hasn't married you yet and is wanting you to back off with this issue, at least.  In the end, you might find yourself in a lot more mental anguish should he decide not to make things permanent with you.  If I were you, I'd step back a bit.  

Rags's picture

Assuming that DH has a visitation schedule with his kid, BM doesn't matter during his time with his kid. He can put you back on the pickup list with the pre-school whether BM likes it or not.   COd daddy time has absolutely nothing to do with BM, BM ceases to exist during that time, SO can engage whoever he wants to interface with, care for, transport his daughter during his time.

That was made clear to us during our 16+ years living under a Custody/Visitation/Support order for my SS.  The SpermClan got no say over SS's time with his CP mom and we got no say over the visitation time and activities during SS's SpermLand visitation.

BM is being juvenile, SO needs to shut her down and keep her nose firmly rubbed in the stench of her juvenile bullshit.

IMHO of course.

Texashley33's picture

That's a classic case of BM jealousy. BM never took responsibility for their son, so when I stepped up it made her mad. If I could go back in time, I would not help one bit, and let BM struggle to pretend to care, while parading around us (attention seeking/embarrassing herself) and just let everything unfold while I sit back and laugh. Only reason why I tried was for my bf/fiance at the time/now Husband. My Husband hates his Ex Wife and wanted me to be their son's Mom. Which is great, but at the same time I don't want to be his Mom. I think your Husband should stick up for you, but obviously it will cause drama. We have 2 children of our own now, and i look back thinking why the hell did I even care about SS and all the drama with the ex wife. What a total waste of time, bc now the SS17 is a mini replica of his BM and they both suck. She lost custody and now I wish SS17 would not hate his BM and go live with her instead, so i don't have to deal with his lying and many mental issues. Ugh. Step back and let the BM deal with their daughter, and I'm sure the BM will cause more issues with you, if she's jealous. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I agree with the above posters, if DH sticks up for you and pokes the bear, it will only cause more problems down the road. You are better off sitting quietly in the background and not have BM focus on you. 

Mini6565's picture

I dealt with the BM of my current husband who was a text book narcissist. If you man dosent stand up for you over this, it will start being many other things. We have zero contact with his ex but it took so long for him to realize she just needed to have control and causing chaos is in her blood. We even deleted the court appointed email because that was her only line in but abused it. I'm just saying that woman took you off the list to only hurt you and establish control. Not OK if you and your SD enjoy your time together then make him go down there and put you right back on the list! I know men hate conflict but in the end the conflict will be between you and him because you will get sick of... be the bigger person, just let it go, I don't want my daughter to be in the middle, I don't want the drama