Boyfriends SD - wants to move near us - 4 kids -
I have started a blog and want to come here for feedback.
BF has 1 daughter who is 30 with 4 kids. Last one was born 2 months ago with babydaddy #2. Other 3 are from same guy who is incarcerated. All under the age of 7. She lives on the east coast. We are on the west coast. Lived with her mother (BF Xwife) for 10 years before mom let lease lapse and moved out. She is living with bbday#2.
BF hears sporadically from her, when she want something. He has helped with grandkid things - ft camp, gymnastics for gkids through ex-wife and paying directly. Not large costs. In January she texted for $500 to make rent and would pay him back from her tax return. He did not want to then decided to. She has not paid him back.
BF birthday was Sunday. Daughter reached out and wants to move near us to get a fresh start. This has been a topic in their household based on what the grandchildren were talking about with grandpa.
Many of you know how this story is playing out and it does not take a psychic to predict the possibilities here.
BF is retired military can be very disciplined and structured. Not happy with daughter's choices but loves his grandkids. Has expressed that to me. We live together in my rental in my name only. We have discussed marriage and getting engaged. I am a professional woman no biokids. We are compatible in so many ways and I love him. This was an area that I knew I needed to watch. I love him but I love myself more and will need to set some hard boundaries here including ending the relationship if this goes sideways. I am prepared to do that if necessary. Getting married is on hold though he is not aware of it as I want to see how he is going to handle this.
I have already had conversations with him about what research has she done (none) her plans are (move and get jobs), has she saved money for the move (no -no surprise here). I also put a hard stop on them staying with us, even for a few weeks until they get settled. That will not happen. He said to her that he would help her but not support her. He says he sees the manipulation she is doing with the grandkids.
I realize this may be a ploy for her to find another resource as the "bank of mom" has closed and she may not move here.
I would appreciate perspective and thoughts as I begin navigating this situation. I am thankful this has come up prior to us getting married or combining assets. There will be a tight prenup should we move forward with getting married later.
Yes, Bank of Mom closed
She looking for a new Bank. Do Not let them move in with you, not for one day, Do not open the door to that. Most likely your funds are not Co mingle. They to not let BF paid for SD move and Monet for her to move into an appointment. I know there nothing you can do except say it a bad idea. It will effect your relationship, ect.
Try to make sure SD does not replace you.if she does time to move on. If BF doesn’t have a hint by now, He will never see it
Yup, she's looking for
Yup, she's looking for someone to subsidize her and her motley crew of poor decisions. But if your bf's adult daughter can't afford rent, how will she afford to move across the country? I'm gearing up to move half way, and it's going to cost at least 4k. Hopefully this is just idle talk.
Distance is the only thing protecting you at this point. You need to be VERY firm about your boundaries and tell your bf you have a zero tolerance policy for drama, enabling, and b.s. Warn him that you will not countenance your peaceful life being disrupted by his daughters poor decisions and will not be suckered into raising any of her kids. You can't be too clear about this.
He says he sees the
He says he sees the manipulation she is doing with the grandkids.
Seeing it, and not falling for it, are two different things. Plenty of people know that they are being manipulated and yet, let it happen because they love the kids, or the grand kids, or whatever.
Exactly what "help" is he willing to give? Where is he willing to draw the line and will he really be able to draw it?
I think you have sincere doubts about him truly keeping boundaries. I would, too.
Yes I do have doubts
about him holding boundaries. He is a strong man being retired miltary in the areas he has dealt with. He can be structured and disciplined. That does not mean that he can hold it here, the heart is a different deal entirely than be asked to do things in the service of your country.
We have discussed the help he is willing to give and what she has to do first to get that help. I suspect having a plan, housing and jobs lined up and cash saved is going to be difficult for her to achieve. This will be a time will tell scenario for sure.
Additional Conversations
We had some additional conversations on what that help looks like and I had some additional background on the life situation with her. I drew some very clear lines in the sand with him. He will be transparent in all dealings with her with me. They will never live with us, not for one day. Given the number of people it would cost for a 'vacation' here they will never come for a visit, either he and I or just he can go. Reasonable gifts for gkids and helping with some sports acitivities is ok. She and BF must have an acceptable plan - jobs lined up, housing, and cash saved for the move. He will not provide any cash. He will not support or help the financially or otherwise in essense become another parent. I was also very clear that I am glad that this came up now before we got married and that we will NOT get married this year and will not until I am comfortable this will not come into our lives. I told him that the ONLY thing that will bring comfort is time and consistent boundaries from him. I said this is not what I signed up for when we got together, planned our life together and it is not a life I will accept. That caught his attention on how serious this is for me.
I remminded him and gave him examples of where his words and actions do not align. The $500 loan in January not paid back that he said was a test. There was a discussion of semantics between loaning and helping, nope not buying it. I feel better I have drawn hard lines here.
Depending on how things go over time I may decide this is not going to work for me. Again the only thing that will show if he can do it is time. If there starts to be consistent testing of boundaries, that will be another thing I will need to consider. I made the commitment to myself when I left my marriage of 17 years that I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than live in an unacceptable life situation.
Good for you!!
I wish I had done this before I married DH. There were red flags all over the place and I stupidly ignored them. It does not get better with time - only worse - and then you are tied up so if you divorce you are penalized financially. You are definitely doing the right thing by setting boundaries now - and making yourself top priority. If you are not planning on having a family, there is no need to rush into marriage.
Yes, I have to advocate for myself and we do not need to rush
into marriage as we are not going to have a family. Both of us are in our early 50's and each is snipped (lol). We will have a prenup before marrying also as we both have assets to protect and we are both ok with that. Granted this could be just a test to see if 'bank of dad' is in business, get money out of him without moving and/or see if she could use the gkids to try to manipulate him. But this is the perfect time to set expectations and boundaries for whatever else could develop. The most recent gkid was born 2 months ago so 18+ years at least. Important to be mindful of all of the ramifications here.