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What would you do

Thisisnotus's picture

As expected (because we cant do one single thing big or small without BM trying to ruin it) BM has purposely scheduled SD for an important Dr appointment during a week that we are supposed be taking all the kids on vacation. Also DH would like to go to this appointment but I know BM won’t change it and she rules.

Would you go without one SD? That means dh cant go to the appointment and now I’ll be on vacation with guilty daddy. We have my 3 kids and another SD going as well. Everything booked up front and non refundable. Can’t change dates either and work time off already scheduled.

this is why I don’t plan anything ever anymore.....I didn’t want to go on this vacation for this very reason so this will be the last.

keep in mind that BM has PAS this one SD to the max so she doesn’t really want her going with us anyway so this was an easy win for her.


MissDenise's picture

If it's during the time you get SD then you take her on vacation. BM needs to cancel the appointment or pay the fee. I don't see the big deal. Doesn't matter what BM wants or doesn't want. 

Thisisnotus's picture

It’s trickier  than that. This was pre planned and dates were sent to BM months ago so it’s not technically only on DHs time. 

its an out of town appointment at a big hospital 

Thisisnotus's picture

They don’t follow the court order at all even though it’s very detailed! But they have been on a rotation I guess it’s the 2,2,3 rotation and we will be gone for an entire week.

Hope that makes sense! 

STaround's picture

And it seems like you do not understand either. 

Is this a serious health problem, that she is being taken to a DR out of her immediate area for?  When my FMIL had cancer, she was supposed to have to wait to see the best doctor, but out of the blue an opening came up.  She and DH cancelled a trip.  it probably saved her life.  

Of course, if just an annual check up, etc. DH should tell his ex to postpone it.  Generally no charge if you give 48 hours notice. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Leave DH and his kids behind. Take your bios, and have fun. Or, 

Your DH stands up to his ex, documents her interference, and tells her to reschedule.

Unless this is a serious, life-altering appointment, it interferes with Dad's time with his kids and should be rescheduled.


ndc's picture

Are you sure BM scheduled the appointment when she did to be an evil witch?  I know that some appointments I've had to make with specialists were very difficult to get, and I've had to wait months for some and for others I took an inconvenient appointment date/time or I'd have to wait even more months.  If it's really a matter of difficult scheduling it won't change the problem at hand, but maybe it wouldn't be as infuriating.

If this is an appointment that BM can handle on her own (meaning that she won't be making any crazy, life altering decisions without DH there), I would definitely go on the vacation. Since it's non-refundable, non-changeable and planned months in advance, I would not make the rest of the family miss a long awaited vacation, and lose all the money and time spent planning, for the one SD.  That's not fair to you or the other children, and if SD is PAS'd anyway, then it's probably not going to have any huge impact on the relationship with her, especially since it was BM who scheduled the appointment during the vacation and the vacation cannot be changed.  Unless BM changes the appointment, SD isn't going anyway.  Maybe your DH can be conferenced in to talk to the doctor during the appointment - that might help with "guilty daddy."

Thisisnotus's picture

It’s possible to be a coincidence but to have it be directly in the middle of our vacation to where we can’t just cut the trip short is pretty suspect based on history.

you are probably right SD won’t care all that much but I think the guilt my dh will have will just make the whole trip suck....if it wasnt for my bio kids excited to go I would just cancel and take the loss.

tog redux's picture

Ugh, this is such alienating behavior. DH is damned if he does and damned if he doesn't.  If he takes SD on vacation, she will say he doesn't care about her health and is neglectful, and if he doesn't take her on vacation, she will say that he doesn't care about her as much as you and his stepkids.

DH has to do what he can live with.  Is this such an important appointment that her health will be jeopardized if he doesn't let her go?  When can they get another one?  

strugglingbutstrong_'s picture

I don't know about your state's parenting guidelines, but in my state each parent is entitled to one week, uninterupted, of vacation time wiht child that trumps all other arrangements. We let BM know basically two years in advance that he was going with us this year, as my family goes the same week every year. Doesn't matter what she tries to do, we gave her enough time and she cannot impact it. Granted, she's excited for him to get to go to the beach and see new things, all she asked for was pictures and to facetime him some. You say they don't follow the CO, that is NOT a good idea. It will get abused sooner or later, if it hasn't already. It is in place for a reason. Follow it. We try to keep things as close as possible to how the guidelines/agreement say they should be and very rarely have an issue. Our issues come from her not following it.

Thisisnotus's picture

CO has been abused since day 1. My DH isn’t willing to stand up to BM because she sticks the kids right in the middle .!She plays the victim nonstop and kids ultimately side with her because of it and in their eyes mom is the boss.The kids aren’t little so  it makes things a little harder.

strugglingbutstrong_'s picture

As much as we can try to put kids first, somwtimes, in order to do that, laws and rules nust be followed. While, yes, it might be hard at first, it will benefit you all in the long run. I suggest going to mediation or even court to revisit the CO and maybe even change some things. The only person it will honestly hurt is her. Which is fine considering she has only been looking out for herself since the beginning. There are mom's like that. DH and BM broke up because BM was, and had been, cheating for some time and he caught her. Now she says that we need to feel sorry for her because she doesn't have anyone and that's why she is the way she is. It is HER fault she is in the situation, you have to remember that.

Sandybeaches's picture

Without knowing the circumstances of the doctor apt and what is going on medically with the child, it is hard to give a complete opinion.  However I would say if it is something that can be postponed then it should be and the child should go on vacation with you.  If the child is going through something medically the courts and the doctors would probably side with the child going to the appointment verses the vacation.  I would be willing to bet that either way even if the child is needing something medically that BM did this on purpose and made the apt during your vacation.

Personally I say your DH is just as much the parent as BM is so I would have him inquire with the doctor and the hospital to see if this is the only date the appointment could be or could it be changed without too much trouble.  It can't hurt to check.  If he decides to do that I would see if the child could be seen sooner before your vacation so no one has any guilt worrying that it got put off because of the vacation.  If that can't work keep the apt but opt for a cancellation list.  How long from now is your vacation?

Thisisnotus's picture

We leave for vacation in about 3 weeks. Apt was made yesterday. This apt will determine the next steps so no procedures will be done it’s more for a second opinion sort of thing. It’s an eye thing.


Thisisnotus's picture

See my skids are great on vacation. We did a week in Disney last year and it was flawless....well if you don’t count BM doing all she could to keep SD from going the night before and making threats to older SD about going. Once we hit the road it was fantastic.

in my case it also helps that my bio kids and skids all get along perfectly.

tog redux's picture

Yeah, my SS was great on vacation, too, because he was away from Mommie Dearest.

Curious Georgetta's picture

that there is usually not much flexibility in scheduling . They pretty much tell you when they are available.

If this is a potentially serious situation or even the potential for a chronic problem ,your husband should probably be there.

If not go on your vacation, and let him be informed upon your return.

A reasonable question to ask yourself is" if  it were your bio in this situation , would you expect him to be present? "

If it turns out that he cannot go on vacation, why would the vacation need to be cancelled ? Can't you guys vacation without him ?



Thisisnotus's picture

Ask myself if I would want him there for my bio or our shared bio? If our bio, yes, but we would have also jointly scheduled the apt so it’s not really worth comparing or asking myself the question because the situations are not the same.

and the vacation would be canceled because I’m not willing to take a 1 year old on vacation by myself. Also baby couldn’t stay with DH because he’s not going to waste an entire week of vacation time for a few hours at the dr so he’d work the other days and MIL who watches baby is out of town for the week as well. And even if he dh took the whole week of vacation and stayed with baby he still wouldn’t take baby to the dr apt and there is nobody to keep baby.

Curious Georgetta's picture

have your answer. Single parents take kids on vacations all of the time, but you know your situation better than anyone from whom you are soliciting input

Your husband will make his decision, and hopefully , there won't be a serious medical issue with his daughter 


Thisisnotus's picture

I'm sure many single parents take kids on vacation all the time, I just don't know a whole lot of single parents who want to throw a baby in the mix of include alot of driving.

For the record...pretty much everday is a serious medical issue....Skids sneeze and BM takes them to the doctor and they miss school for a week...these kids have had every test on the planet except there aren't sick....I guess thats part of the BM mental from history it's hard for me to have any sympathy for anyone.

Monkeysee's picture

I’d go on the vacation without SD & if DH is going to ruin it with guilty daddee tendencies then he can stay home too. You deserve to be able to enjoy your holiday with your kids without the drama.

justmakingthebest's picture

First, I would call the dr. office and change the appointment date. 

If your DH won't do that (I don't know why he wouldn't) I would call the doctor and ask to be conferenced called in as he will be out of town that day but wants to be a part of the appointment. We have done this several times with SS14's specialist for all of the things he doesn't actually have.... It keeps BM "more" honest during those appointments. 

If your DH still wont do that I would ask DH if he can go and have a good time and not be guilty daddy the whole trip. If he hesitates, I would either cancel the trip and reschedule or go without him. Depends on how feisty I am at the moment. 

Rags's picture

Just take her.  Keep her longer following the last visitation before the family vacation, go on the vacation, let BM deal with the doc office. 

Two can play the manipulatio game. No need to tell BM. Just do it.  Return the SD when you get back with a shrug and an "oops".


bananaseedo's picture

Have him reschedule the appt himself OR call and be conferenced in.  NO you do not play the single parent status as people that are PRO skids tell you- they want to destroy the 2nd intact homes-that is their intent.  For YOUR kids to be on same status of divorced parents as skids.  Don't fall for that hogwash.  You unite and vacation as a FAMILY.  

Notup4it's picture

You ARE an intact family, so you vacation as one.  It sounds ridiculous for him to miss vacation for an hour long appointment that is just to arrange further testing. 

I second the idea to call the Dr’s office and see what other availability they have exactly..... 3 weeks away is actually not very long at all to get in so I would guess they have more availability the week after as well???? If she just called and got something only 3 weeks away they are NOT that busy of an office- and she didn’t “score a cancelation” because if they were THAT busy they would be bumping other people up instead and then giving their spots.  This is a game.