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I do not like my stepdaughter

Medina's picture

Ok i need to get this off of my chest, i do not like my girlfriends daughter almost at all, my gf and i have been together for almost 10 months, and were talking serveral months before getting together, we have also know each other since we were teenagers, we are in are mid 20's now. She is the love of my life and i want to spend the rest of my life with her. I have a beautiful 7 year old daughter who is also the love of my life and is my number one priority and she respects that without any issue. Now when i first met her daughter she was so cute and  adorable and funny ect ect. She still is cute and funny, but now she is bad, she is only 3 years old and yet i feel like she is the boss of my gf, my SD is always loud and non stop talking, she is never for one minute quite she is always all over you and gives you no space, she has a very hard time listening to anyone, she has gotten better with her mother but i still cannot stand it, for her to listen the mother has to say it several times, when she doesnt get her way she crys, fake crys, she always wants all of the attention from everyone around her, if my daughter says something she will start to talk and get the attention off of my daughter and towards her, she does not like to share with my daughter, if my daughter has somwthing in her hands she wants it and crys when we tell her no, even tho my daughter is willing to share and gives her something similar so they can both enjoy, but she wont accept it, she has to have what my daughter has. She is VERY annoying, even when i call her mother on the phone all you hear is her in the background and her mother is constantly telling me to hold on so she can answer w.e questions the daughter has, making me not want to call during the day when i know the child is awake, she gives me no space ever, when i see her she is on my ass, i cant sit or walk without her bring curious to what i am doing  putting her to sleep is a misson for her mother every single night she doesnt not stop talking long enough to fall asleep. She shows no respect towards adults at all, when i tell her something she laughs at me, i have to tell her im going to take my daughter home for her to listen to me. She purposely reapeats everything i say to annoy me, she also treats me like i am a kid and tells me what i cant and can do, she does this with no one else just me, it makes me feel like she doesnt see me as an adult and i do not like my daughter to see these things because my daughter does respect me and listens to everything i say the first time i say it, mind you my daughter is older but still. Everywhere we go it is not enjoyable because we constantly have to be carefull of what she is doing and telling her to stop(for example) shouting in public, standing at the table at resturants, playing with glass cups salt and pepper shakers, bothering the people behind us, staring at them, getting very close to them, wanting to run around anything to not stay still. She has smacked me in the face before infront of my daughter, when i yelled at her she laughed and thought it was a game. I went almost three months without seeing her and not going over my gf house because of these things, i also dont like her playing with my daughter anymore because of the sharing and the pushing and shoving to get toys away from my daughter who btw is a calm and polite child, she doesnt shove back she gets up and tells me everything. Recently i have started to go over again even with my daughter and i have to admit she is a little better, i guess her mother has been trying hard to change her behavior. But still i cant stand her, she still does not listen, still crys for anything and still will not share with my daughter. She hasent hit me since the last time she did, but she still does not respect me, she still tells me what i can and cant do, for example, david dont say that, david dont touch my mom, david dont look at me, david dont look at my mom ect ect. When i get loud with her to show her how serious i am she pouts and says no and wont move till her mom says something. When we ask why she did whatever bad thing she is doing she never has a real answer, she always says because she wanted to even when we have told her a million times she cannot, I want to live with my gf so bad because we barely spend time together because i work and she is always with her daughter because the father is a deadbeat so its hard. But i am scared of living with the kid and my life being run by her. I want peace. Im scared of not ever having any space again if i move in with them, scared my life will be fillied with annoyance 24/7, i wish i knew why she is the way she is and how to change it, even if its just a little bit, i dont want her to grow up and be the annoying girl that no one likes and is tired of hearing or the obnoxious girl who is constantly seeking attention from people. Maybe its me idk, but i have never felt this way about a child before. Hearing her voice over the phone makes me cringe, and even thinking of her gives me anxiety, i ignore my gfs social media post on purpose because i do not want to see the little girls face and ruin my mood. Sounds so messed up i know but i cannot help it, not in a million years did i think i would feel this way about an innocent child but i do im sorry. Please give me any advise you can. Thank you, im sorry it was so long but its not evwn half of the crap iv been thru with the child.


Love_and_Loathing's picture

She’s 3, which explains away some of that behavior. However, I have been in my step daughters life since she was 2, and she started a lot of what you’re highlighting here when she was 3. She’s now 5 and I can’t stand her either. I also have an 8 year old son from a previous relationship.  He has always been a much easier child (super chill, responsible, incredibly intelligent—reading at 4, doing upper grade work, able to walk to the park a block away since 5 and his area of exploration has steadily increased ), so maybe this is where my annoyance comes from. She is loud, still learning her alphabet at FIVE, whines about doing shit she’s been doing for years (putting shoes on, zipping coats, taking naps, etc).  As someone who’s worked in the school system, I don’t see many kids grow out of this extreme behavior (hyperactivity is one thing, but this is something beyond that) and I’m pretty sure she is ADHD with underlying sensory issues (among maybe a few other things). But I’m signed up now. Her father and I have a son together and I love the shit out of him. We have 50/50 custody and I’m a SAHM, but he travels, so I have made sure that mom has her every night he’s gone (though she drops her in the morning before work because she works at 6am). I used to just take her on ‘dad nights’, but she’s not my kid and I have two of my own to care for. Thankfully her father is in agreement and for the most part helps discipline. I do spend one on one time with her once in a while though because she calls me ‘mom’. She doesn’t remember a time in her life when I wasn’t around so I do my best to bond with her and make her feel wanted. I have made sure my space isn’t intruded upon though. If mom is home and capable of taking her she is not my sole responsibility when dad isn’t home. Anyway, I’m sure we could commiserate together about this issue. I’m trying to gain some patience with her, but sometimes man....I just gotta walk away. 


But she is 3, just keep redirecting her. Continuously. Don’t let her think she’s the only person on the planet who matters because that will end up backfiring horribly 

Monkeysee's picture

Few things. When you say your DD is the love of your life & your top priority, do you mean that you’ll prioritize her over your GF each & every time? If so, then I guarantee your GF has an issue with your DD as well, and if she doesn’t, just give it time. Your DD should be your top responsibility & her *needs* come first, but her *wants* do not. If you want a healthy & successful relationship, your partner needs to be higher in the hierarchy than your kid. Period.

Secondly, your GF’s DD is 3. She’s not a ‘bad’ kid, she’s 3. If she’s doing something wrong & her mother is allowing it, then your GF is the problem, not her daughter. Too often I see on here people blaming the kids for things their parents are doing. Kids can only get away with being rotten little brats when they’ve got permissive parents who don’t actually parent them. Your GF’s 3 year old daughter isn’t the problem, your GF is.

I wouldn’t recommend moving in together until both of you get your priorities straight. If you’re putting your daughter at the top of the totem pole, you’re no more ready to move in with the GF than she is to move in with you. Your DD is no more perfect than your GF’s DD, so you need to check yourself & your parenting style as well or you two are going to have problems. Both of you need to parent your kids properly, both kids need to be lower in the food chain than your respective partners or this will never work.

Don’t move in & don’t move too quickly with this girl, regardless of how long you’ve known her. I didn’t even read your whole post (paragraphs are important) but can see there are red flags all over the place.

ESMOD's picture

The girl is 3... not all kids are exactly the same.. your daughter likely had her issues as well.. but as her father.. you are a bit blinded to them.  I mean.. I can see your GF saying your daughter is a whining tattle tale..for always running to daddy when things don't go her way??

I do agree with other posters.. your child shouldn't be your #1 priority.. if she is.. then you absolutely shouldn't be dating anyone.  She is your 100% your responsibility but other people and their needs should be prioritized appropriately. 

It sounds like your GF is working on her toddler's behavior.. unfortunately.. wash rinse repeat is how it improves.. consistent and firm correction and consequences when warranted. 

Your daughter is much older and her behavior obviously is held to a higher standard because she is capable of it.. the 3 yo is not yet.. and as long as mom is making strong and effective efforts to improve her daughter's behavior.. she is doing what she can.

But.. if you don't want to deal with another person's child.. which isn't easy.. go ahead and give your GF the chance to meet someone that can handle this situation.

beebeel's picture

That sounds very much like my 3 year old, although he's better at sharing (but he doesn't have any siblings close in age with whim he has to compete). I'm sure your kid was pretty similar at 3, it's just easier to tolerate shitty behavior from your own.

If you can't stand the kid, do not move in with her mom. Work through your shit first.

justmakingthebest's picture

There is a reason they call kids this age Threenagers. Very few 3 yr olds are "well behaved". The big thing here is that as long as your see your GF actually parenting and not negotiating with the 3 yr old mini terrorist (which is what they can be at times) you will be fine and the little one will grow out of this phase. 

My other concern is your priorities. You state that you have 2 loves of your life. To me that puts your daughter and your girlfriend on the same level. I will tell you 100% that if you maintain that your daughter is your #1 priority, your relationship won’t make it. Your spouse becomes your #1 when you marry. Above your job, above your children, above your family. 

This does not mean that you don't take care of your kid’s needs. I am not saying to neglect your daughter. What I am saying is that if you and your GF are talking, your daughter waits her turn. If your GF is having a bad day and needs a little alone time with you, you send your daughter to her room to play for a little while. If it is your anniversary and you have your daughter, you get a babysitter and celebrate your relationship. If your relationship is kid-centric you won't have a relationship in 10 years when your daughter is off to college. 

shamds's picture

she has a limited attention span because everything is exciting for her. She’s interested in everything and wants to imitate people.

you know how toddlers and young kids learn to help around the house with chores, they imitate....  i think to a degree you are unrealistic with what you’re expecting of this 3 yr old...

sure there are times my daughter is with her cousins and hogs their toys but when she sees a cousin her age or younger who is left alone oR who dropped a toy and is too afraid to grab one she actually hands one to them. 

My 3.5yr old spoon feeds her brother who will be 2 in 2 weeks time... she learnt this from imitating us... if you are a hands on parent you will understand and know this is how the cycle starts.

like some have said, your daughter is not #1 priority and your love over and above your girlfriend

by saying she is #1 you are saying that when she is rude disrespectful, treats others like crap that you will defend and side with her or make pathetic excuses. Thats what plenty of stepparents here deal with...  your spouse is your #1 priority because children learn how to behave appropriately via their adult role models, thats hard enough when bio parents are divorced and say the bio mum is so high conflict and on constant revenge missions that the only 2 sane people are her dad and stepmum, she needs to see how you are together, how you support one another and basic ground rules. 

There is a big difference between a 3 yr old behaving as a 3 yr old and one who is ADHD... believe me in a shopping mall my daughter would run everywhere, she has the energy of an energizer battery bunny, just goes on and on but she’s at that age where everything interests her. 

When she is very excited, why not get her doing activities like colouring and drawing. Nothing you posted says that the 3 yr old is being engaged to do constructive things to develop her motor skills and brain development for when she is in school. Toys don’t do this. You read, you colour, paint, draw or play with blocks and playdo, go through flash cards and teach her words, sing the alphabet etc

just last week after morning bath i went to get dirty laundry, my 3.5 yr old had taken a crayon and drew on our white walls. Yes it was wrong but she found her crayons and didn’t have paper there so she improvised. Thats a minor thing we can paint over. When i see her grab her colouring pencils and crayons, i go get her paper so she and her brother can draw. At this age to keep them distracted and calm, you need to engage them, not dump her with toys. She needs constant brain stimulation in doing activities.

by the way my 3.5 yr old is a little sassy. She has her own mind and when she wants to do something, she will do it. If she doesn’t want to hear you read her books, she puts her fingers in her ears... despite all this there are things she does well beyond her age...

moral here is be realistic with expectations and reality because currently you aren’t 100%

JBDmom's picture

I’ve had a lot of the same problems with my SD 4 ever since she came into my life. It’s hard to be as understanding a lot of the times when it’s not technically your child. I resented my step daughter for almost 2 years because I blamed her for the way she was, but it wasn’t her fault. She was raised with poor discipline and allowed to do anything and everything she wanted to. She’s made such huge improvements with me and her dad in her life and her BM out of it. I love her and treat her as my bio child but I wouldn’t have been able to learn to love her if I didn’t start holding her dad responsible for the way she was being raised. I’m not saying we don’t still have our issues with her but until you talk to your GF about what’s bothering you you won’t be able to have a relationship with your SD or her mother. It does get easier you just have to give yourself and everyone else time to learn.