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Contact with EX & SD9 only while I’m not around!?

warenb82's picture

It seems as if my SO only has contact with the EX & SD9 while I’m not present. He typically will reply or answer if it’s his weekend with the SD9 for the EX. I don’t find this normal. He says he does this because he knows how I will respond or he just don’t tell me for that reason when he talks to her. 

Last night I confronted him about having a discussion I wanted to be present for (I told him!) and it turned into a huge argument. I looked at phone record prior to saying something and there was an incoming call from EX phone for 5 minutes and then a call out for 6-7 minutes. So that just topped the cake for me. I couldn’t not say when he asked what was wrong! 

Needless to say the argument progressed and told me he couldn’t have a relationship with SD9 because of me. It crushed my heart! How he’s tired of living like this. It always seems like a fight when it comes to SD9. 

Little History: I only have contact with SD9 when he has her. I can’t have a typical relationship with her. The mom only needs help from SO. It’s like I’m secluded from everything. After being in this relationship 5 years I have yet to step foot in her school, attend any sport functions, doctor appts, take and drop her off (without SO!) etc 

 

 

 

 

Thumper's picture

Just so you know...A relationship with your boyfriends daughter IS more likely than not, ONLY going to happen when she is with her dad. AND on dads time. AND when dad is present.

 

 

 

flmomma08's picture

I agree. I have been in SD's life for 9 years and we only speak/do things on dad's time. I don't do any pick ups, drop offs, doctors appointments, etc - that is the bio parent's job. As far as school or sports events, I don't see why you can't go along with dad. BM can't keep you from going to a public event. I can understand why she may not want you to be the one doing pick ups and doctor's appointments and such.

What is he discussing with BM that is such a big secret?

STaround's picture

I do think the parents should handle doctor and teacher appointments.  I don't see any reason why you cannot atten sports events with your SO, is there some reason his  DD does not want you there?   

warenb82's picture

I’m new here and accidentally commented in the thread versus reply. See below my response. Thanks for replying. I’m struggling in this relationship.

warenb82's picture

It’s the EX. I didn’t meet his daughter until 2 years into our relationship. I didn’t go with him for pick up and drop off until I had my daughter. I think that only happened when the EX brought a man first. Then it started to happen more. Me and the SD get along. It all stems from what her mother wants. And then my SO need to keep peace. He misses a lot due to work as well but when he can I feel as if he don’t because he don’t wanna listen to the EX when he brings me or listen to me for him not taking me. 

SteppedOut's picture

It's been FIVE YEARS. This is clearly not going to change. The only thing that YOU can change is how you think/feel about it. Or leave. 

If you stay, he will blame you for not being able to have the relationship that he wants with his daughter - he literally has said it already. 

You have some hard decisions to make. Learn to accept or leave. Those are the only 2 options you have at this point, imho. 

warenb82's picture

That’s the struggle. Now we have a two year old daughter in the mix of his disaster of an EX. And he’s to blame for the way she acts also due to him allowing it. 

STaround's picture

Do you have dinner as a family?  What else do you do as a family?    I think DAD should be handling doctor and teacher appointments on his time?  

warenb82's picture

She is involved when he has her. Example-Pottery and made pizzas last Friday when he had her. Her mom and her say he don’t spend time with her. It’s like everyday he’s off he should have her according to the EX. And 100% attention should be gave to her and only her. We have a two year old that only sees him just as much as she does. He works third and swing shift. 

 

I agree with doctor and school I was just using those as examples. 

STaround's picture

But I think you, SO and SD need to go family counseling.  To me, family counseling does not imply that any member needs help, but that the family is not functioning well.  Given that SO works a shift, I am not certain how many events he can attend, BUT on weekends, you should be able to do some family stuff and some time he can spend with SD.  Is he on a waitlist for day shift?  

warenb82's picture

I’ve mentioned counseling and he brushes it off. He does not communicate her reacts instead.

due to what happened last night he came in this morning laid on the couch until I got out of bed. Slept woke up and out the door. He spoke to our daughter before he left. No kiss or I love you. He’s called twice now from work wanting to speak to our daughter. Both times hung up after not saying a word to me other than asking to talk to our daughter .

yes he is hopefully going to first within months. However his shifts are 6a-6p

warenb82's picture

I think that’s what has bothered me the most. I’ve expressed my feelings numerous times. He always says it’s a fight when it come to his daughter. He tries to keep the peace for SD sake. So he can get extra time with her. I just don’t understand how he could just dismiss my feelings and concerns regarding the situation as a whole to keep the peace! His nature is low key and hates conflict but I feel like he’s put me on the back burner all to keep peace with her and causing our relationship harm. And for what? It’s causing major hard feelings towards him. I’m mentally exhausted and drained. 

 

warenb82's picture

I would like to feel included and not as if he’s living another life. I don’t like the fact he calls the ex and SD while I’m not present 100% of the time. It’s like she calls and text daily or rotates. She has to have his attention. And she gets it with the SD. I am all for getting along but it’s like I’m non existent.

Let’s use Friday as an example-it’s his weekend but mother says it her weekend because mother’s day. So she allowed him to kee SD  one day during the week in place of Sat night. He works third and didn’t wake up until 3. He jumps up and hits the door running because he has so much to do (it’s also my birthday!) and is gone. He then calls to tell me EX called mad because he didn’t answer his phone to go get his daughter. How she is the only one who does for her and that she gets no help. Keep in mind she knows we are together have a daughter and have built a house but talks to him like such versus being an adult and messaging me to see if I could pick up the daughter (I was off work!) or to wake him. It’s stuff like that that infuriates me to death! Which he’s allowed her to act like such. 

 

At some point I hope he gets it because I’m to my breaking point. 

flmomma08's picture

There's no reason for them to be in constant contact like that, especially since your SD is older. They really should only be discussing issues with SD. Once my SD got older, BM and DH had very little contact. If he called, SD would just answer the phone and vice versa. There's really no need to talk to the other parent unless its a pickup/dropoff change, school issue, medical issue, something like that.

Disneyfan's picture

The fact that mom is not contacting you for these things is AMAZING!!!

You are not the parent.  The only one in you home that mom ever needs to soeak to in regards to pick up, parenting...is your husband.  It is HIS responsibility to share to share those things with you.

 

flmomma08's picture

Completely agree. I would never want BM to contact me to pick up SD.... not my job.

warenb82's picture

It’s not a matter of me wanting her to contact me in place of dad. I just feel as if she contacts way to often for nothing. 

Like Mother’s Day-She sends him a picture of a rash (it looked like she scratched herself!) asking what it was. That her son said it looked like Impetigo! She does stuff like such knowing we would be trying to spend time together for Mother’s Day! She uses the daughter to get his attention. 

Livingoutloud's picture

It’s your SO fault that this goes on. BM owes you nothing and doesn’t need to address your needs. SO needs to and he doesn’t. 

Notup4it's picture

So you have told him how you are feeling but it hasn’t changed anything- well now it is time for YOU to change how you RESPOND to things.  Stop caring if he messages his stupid ex without you present-who cares?!?! And no why should you have to go pick up his kid?! Frick that nonsense!!  Daughter coming over for some daddy time? Go take your baby out for some mommy time! Let HIM deal with his annoying ex, don’t ask questions and don’t involve yourself.  (yes I know this is going against what you are wanting BUT you aren’t getting what you want from what you are doing anyways!).

By fighting him over this YOU are looking like the bad guy here... so stop!! Let him be annoyed and fight with his ex so he puts blame where blame is due.  Let him “sneak around” without saying anything so that he can FEEL the guilt instead of being defensive!! If something possess you off show him with your ACTIONS not with your words! 

What you are allowing to happen here is you are allowing him to shift focus into your reaction instead of the problem at hand.  Eventually he will change or you will get sick of it and leave- but you really don’t need to added stress in the meanwhile....