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Pro tip

Jcksjj's picture

I posted before about another lady in the parent/baby class I go to referring to her skids as her husbands kids. Today I realized I should be doing that also. 

One of the teachers asked my about my other kids and then after that stumbled awkwardly all over through the conversation trying to figure out if she should refer to SD as my daughter or what the appropriate way to act about the relationship to her was. And then complimented me on her unusual name, which isnt actually a compliment to me because BM named her and created more awkwardness because I didnt know how to respond to that either since not only did I not pick it but I dont care for it. Which is fair because she really has no way of knowing if i do consider her mine or not (I'm sure I don't have to point out here that I don't). 

On the other hand the lady that refers to her skids as her husbands kids gets way less questions about them and that same teacher just says "your husband's kids" if it does get brought up. No confusion or awkwardness. I think I'll be using that terminology instead of stepdaughter from now on.

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TwoOfUs's picture

That's what I do. 

Stranger: "Do you have any kids." 

Me: "No, but my husband has three kids from a previous marriage. They're all grown now." 

Etc. 

OSD stopped by yesterday...she was in town for Mother's Day and we took her to a late lunch followed by some ice cream to talk about how college is going. Turns out she's graduating a semester early and I'm very proud of her for this. She asked us for help with a summer class and I said of course. She said: "Are you sure it's OK? It's kind of a lot but I'd be really grateful." It's actually not a lot but probably seems like a lot to a 22-year-old...it's about $700. She got a scholarship for part of the cost of the class, and I'm very proud of her for that as well. 

Still doesn't make her my kid...and it's still awkward when BOTH the waiter at the restaurant and the ice cream counter person said some version of: "Oh...looks like we're taking mom out for her special day!!!" 

We all just laughed about it later and decided that going out on Mother's Day is probably a dumb idea if we don't want to deal with comments like that... 

Jcksjj's picture

Well she sounds like a decent person at least. I don't foresee my SD growing up to be like that. Unless she changes drastically she would either be trying to trick the money out of is of bawling to DH about why she needs it to guilt trip him into it without even asking normally first.

TwoOfUs's picture

Oh...she wasn't always like this. She was pure evil as a tween/teen. 

I don't say that lightly. LIke...she literally told her little sister that she "shouldn't feel special just because she had Cancer" one time...and then refused to hug her in the hospital after she'd just gotten out of a 4-hour surgery. She was a little B**** with a capital "C" growing up...and I never would have imagined that she would become such a decent person. It took me by surprise at first and I assumed there was some kind of manipulation or evil behind it...but she's been this way for going on 4 years now...so I think it's a genuine change...

Jcksjj's picture

Interesting. I'd agree four years is probably a genuine change. Not gonna hold my breath for my SD but I guess theres always some hope. 

hereiam's picture

I've been with my DH since his daughter was 5 (she's now 27) and this site is the only place I have ever referred to my SD as SD. In real life, I have always said, "DH's daughter."

If someone asks me if I have kids, I say, "No, but my husband does." I never say, "I have step kids."

 

tog redux's picture

Yes, I always refer to SS as "DH's son". 

"Do you have kids?" "No, but my husband has a 19-year-old son who lives with his mother". 

He's not like a son to me in any way. 

Jcksjj's picture

Yeah that's kind of the thing...she doesnt feel like a daughter in any way. She's just an inlaw to me - someone I deal with because shes part of my DHs family. 

advice.only2's picture

I used to get tangled up about this as well. Once Spawn opted out of our lives, now I feel no guilt when asked "I have two children, my DH has a daughter from a previous relationship."

hereiam's picture

On the flip side, I don't see anything wrong with the term, "my dad's wife", either, but I've read where some SMs get bent out of shape that their step kids refer to them as, Dad's wife.

It's an antiquated term ("step mother"), used back in the days when women died and men re-married to have a mother for their children. They truly did "step" in and become the mother. That's not what happens, these days, not in most cases, anyway.

Jcksjj's picture

I'd be fine with dads wife. SD says SM which i dont care about either. I do get offended when she snottily tells people off for accidentally referring to me as her mom. I have no desire to have anyone think I'm her mom but I dont like being disrespected with an attitude like that either in public.

tog redux's picture

I'm guessing SS probably refers to me as "Dad's wife", if he ever refers to me at all. I'd be shocked if he called me his stepmother. 

TwoOfUs's picture

It depends on how it's said, though. 

I've seen plenty of skids (online and in person) who refer to SM as "her" or "dad's wife" as if that's the worst insult they can hurl at the SM. As CODs, they never consider for a moment, of course, that we couldn't care less about being connected to them in a step-parental role. They assume their blessing and presence in our lives is the greatest gift they can give and that denying us this coveted prize will break our hearts. It's kind of funny, actually. 

I'm sure there are some SMs who refer to the skids as "my husband's kids" as an insult...but most who I've encountered (online and in real life) do it out of better motives than that. To create clarity, define boundaries, ease loyalty binds, create some breathing room for everyone involved...etc. Or just as a fact.

I know I don't do it in a mean way...and sometimes I do refer to them as my stepkids. For the most part, they call me by my first name and refer to me as their stepmom to others. I'll also refer to them as "the kids" in conversations with DH, which implies care but not ownership/parentage. 

Jcksjj's picture

Oh that's 100 percent SD. I get shes not my mom, shes JUST my stepmom in the snottiest voice when people think I'm her mom. In sure it would never occur to her that I also dont want people to think that, I just dont say it in the tone of voice she does to others. 

I do think the husbands kids thing creates more clarity. I'd be lying though if I said it was just that - I dont want her lumped in with my kids and I really just dont want to talk about her like she is mine also. 

thinkthrice's picture

"I have two grown children and Chef has three"

Even though technically Chef's older children are "grown" they have the mental maturity of 4 year olds.

Cbarton12's picture

Usually I'll say "my husband has a daughter". But in public it's awkward because SD eerily resembles me so everyone thinks I am her mom. But SD calls the 4 of us her parents (DH, BM, myself, and SF). 

I really only stress that I am stepmom if someone starts to think I can make decisions and calling me SD's mom. 

Jcksjj's picture

Haha my ODS looks alot like my husband also. They actually share features that neither myself or his bio dad have oddly enough. So he gets the oh your son looks just like you a lot, but he doesnt mind. I've only heard that SD looks like me once from DHs coworker who looked at a picture of all of us. I have no idea how she thought that - we have literally completely opposite features except similar hair color but it was a black and white picture.

Cover1W's picture

Ha! I was over at a neighbor's home on Saturday evening and our other neighbors were there.  The wife asked me how "the kids" were and how old they were.  I told her and clarified "DH's kids" and she said, "Oh, the prime teen years, fantastic...(with sarcasm)!"  Followed by "Have they said the 'your not my mom' yet?"  Well, yes...LOL, the older one from the start but not the YSD....then she revealed she's a step-mom too (of two grown boys) which I did NOT know.  OH boy, she Got It.  It's always a relief - I'm betting she's got some gooooood stories.

Myss.Tique D'Off's picture

Normally, I refer to BS14 and SS18 as my boys... In fact, my nearly my whole household  are "my boys"... There's a dog, a tortoise and a gander too... At least the cat and the goose are female! Otherwise testosterone overload!  My kids aren't all biologically mine.

Siemprematahari's picture

I also refer to them as my H's children. It pretty much shuts down a lot of questions and makes life easier for me. Nothing wrong with that.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I made the huge mistake of becoming overly involved with my DH' kids and the in-laws. So part of my disengagement process was using the correct and true names/titles for his people. This helped keep me grounded in reality, practice Acceptance, and create and maintain appropriate boundaries with a family that had all too few.

  • I'm not a SM, I'm just his wife.
  • I don't have skids, they're my husband's daughters.
  • It's not "my SIL" , but rather, " my husband's sister. Or uncle, cousin, or whatever. 

This small change paid big results in helping me distance myself from other people's problems and dysfunction. Wish I'd done it many years earlier.

 

Jcksjj's picture

Interesting. I've majorly disengaged from MIL. Of course now that I did that she wants to suck up to me whenever I see her. I dont mind the rest of the inlaws so much but "husbands mom" sounds good to me.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

You've got the hang of it!

She's not your mother in any way, shape, or form. "Mother" is a noun that evokes thoughts of loving support, nurturing, and loyalty. We can fool ourselves into thinking our SO's people are our allies and care about us, but as another poster said, far better to keep things real. And that means regardless of what the norm may be with your SO's people (See what I did there?). My DH's family are the type who nod and smile and call me sister, then gossip and stab me in the back. Distance is definitely my friend.

notasm3's picture

Now that SS34 is DEAD to me - when someone asks if DH and I have children I just say no.  I used to say that SS had a son.  Now I never reference him on any level.