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8 Year Old Behavioral Issues?

JustSoUnsure's picture

I need advice please. 

My boyfriend's 8 y/o daughter has behavior issues that are having a huge negative impact on my 5 y/o daughter and our relationship. 

His 8 y/o daughter and 10 y/o son come over every other weekend, at the same time my 5 y/o is here. At first, things were perfect. We got along with our exes and with each other's ex as well. All the kids got along.

Lately his daughter has been acting out constantly. She refuses to follow any rules. She rebels against any consequences he tries to give. She's extremely disrespectful and even tells my daughter to ignore anything I say. She screams at her father, whines and throws public tantrums where she will refuse to leave a store unless she gets what she wants. She lies consistently, steals/hides my personal items (makeup, nail polish, cell phone), demands constant attention/entertainment from us, whines and tantrums hard when she doesn't get her way and then she demands that her father give her what she wants (or else she won't end the tantrum)..

He admits that he's had "guilty dad syndrome" and for a long time he could not say no to her, so he gave in to her every demand. (My ex used to do this also, but after talking to him about it, he realized the negative effects and has stopped doing it). He's been trying to be consistent, as he has no problem parenting my daughter,  yet when it comes to his own, he cannot follow through with any rules/consequences. 

The discrepancy is a huge issue. I'm left on my own to be the bad guy. Either I say something about her behavior and then she throws a hateful fit, or I ignore the discrepancy and my daughter immediately calls me out in it. "How come she can do it, but I can't?!" His daughter will purposely test this, and as soon as I tell my daughter not to do something, she will sprint across the yard to do the exact same thing, just to rub it in my daughter's face and see if I will say something. 

She lies to her mother and says that we are "mean to her" and that my daughter can do whatever she wants, when in reality it is quite the opposite. She sends horrific "crying face selfies" to her mom anytime someone says no to her. She is overly dramatic and manipulative in trying to get her way in every situation. She is playing her parents against each other. 

My daughter looks up to her and thinks the world of her. After she leaves, my daughter mimics her behavior, and for a week I have to be extra hard on my daughter, just to get rid of the behaviors she's learned over the weekend. It makes me feel terrible.

It's ruining my relationship with my own daughter and causing so much stress and sadness. I dont know what to do. We've talked about this and tried to correct it, but nothing is working. 

Any advice is appreciated. Sad



Rags's picture

Confiscate her phone as soon as she arrives and don't give it back until she is leaving the car at the transfer point.  End of crying face selfies to mommy.

As for her doing things you tell your DD not to do... a twisted ear march to the nearest remote corner, plant her nose in the corner, swat her on the ass, and tell her if she moves or makes a sound  she gets a paddle to her ass then leave her there until you get tired.

If your DH does not like how you discipline.. he can step up and get it done before you have to or he bites his tongue while you deal it and he has your back.

Do not tolerate this toxic crotch nugget's shitty behavior.  Deliver an age appropriate escalating level of abject misery until you reach the point where her behavior aligns with the standards that are set for children in your home.  If she reverts to deviating from those behavioral standards take the escalating starte of abject misery to the next level.  

She will learn that compliance delivers a moderately pleasant existance while deviation delivers an existance of abject misery.

Lather, rinse, repeat. 

As for BM... she gets zero say in what occurs in your home including confiscation of the 8yos smart phone, disciplinary methods that are used, or anything else for that matter.  SD can whine when she is at BM's but she behaves when she is at your home.. or she suffers.

Good luck.

Focused_onourlife's picture

Switch weekends with your ex so your DD is not influenced by SD. And you disengage and let your DH continue to create this monster on his own. If SD behavior affects you and your home you correct her. She will learn who to play with and who not.