OT - Eff Off Friday
It's Friday at last. Yippee!!!
This is one looooong eff off to a single thing....
- Makeup "professionals" who are TERRIBLE at the job.
I grew up a tomboy and played a LOT of sports well into my 30s. I am feminine, but have never been a girly-girl. I'm not big on wearing makeup and prefer a minimalist approach. IOW, a dab of concealer under my eyes, a little bit of powder to take the shine off of my T-zone, eyeliner (pencil form), and lip balm (sometimes tinted). I wear mascara and blush 2-3 times a YEAR. That's it. I don't understand primer or contouring or layers or finishing spray or... I'm sure you get the picture. I am 54 years old and people who don't know me think I'm in 38-42.
Next weekend is SD26's graduation followed by a small party. A friend and I decided to go have makeovers last night. These women are PROFESSIONALS, so maybe I can find a great new product or get some tips on how to improve my technique (if you can call it that - lol).
So there we are, sitting in The Chairs, looking at a table full of 30+ makeup palettes and 100+ brushes. A bit intimidating, but hey! That means Miss Perky and Miss Bubbly know what they're doing, right? I explain my minimalist approach to Miss Perky. AND the fact that I simply cannot tolerate having makeup caked on my face. She "understands" and here we go...
The longer I sat there, the more alarmed I felt. "Painting" under my eyes, around my jaw, down my nose. A spray-on foundation (I could barely breathe) that made my face and neck feel like they were sealed with shellac. Countless commands to "look up" and "look down" while my inner/outer eyelids were attacked with half a dozen different brushes (anyone else think inner eyelid stuff burns a bit?). And then came POWDER. Sure, the brushes were fluffy, but dayum! Powder all over my face, contour powder, blush powder, so much bloody powder I thought I was going to sneeze. And there it was - the mascara wand. I tried to keep the horror from showing in my eyes when I saw those globby black bristles headed for my eyelashes - I was adamant about NO FAKE ONES, much to Miss Perky's dismay. And finally, Finishing Spray. Misses Perky and Bubbly are exclaiming how we're going to want to Go OUT because we look so good and giving each other kudos for a job well done. P & B said they needed to grab curling wands to fix our bangs that they'd pinned back, told us to take a look, and scurried away.
I was abso-f*ckinn-lutely HORRIFIED. I looked like a cross between Tammy Faye Baker and a drag queen. The eyeliner and eyeshadow I requested was barely visible along my lids and at the corners of my eyes. My inner lids were a weird pale beige color that stood out like a neon sign. My eyelids were pale pink with sparkly bits. My eyelashes were fat black clumps of goo. The "blush" on my cheeks was TAN (I learned long ago that dusty rose is the perfect color for my complexion). I now had JOWLS. Every facking pore in my face looked YUGE and it looked like I'd fallen face first into a vat of sparkly beige powder. And my lips. OMG, my facking lips. The lips that my DH says are perfect and are made to be kissed. She had contoured OUTSIDE of my lipline and filled it in with an absoutely awful, completely UNnatural shade of pink (my lips are naturally rosy and look best in shades of wine).
My face frozen with horror, I turned to my friend. She was still looking in the mirror with her mouth hanging open in shock. She turned to look at me. We damn near looked like twins, except for her TURQUOISE eyeliner and ORANGE lipstick.
Perky and Bubbly came back and fixed our bangs and asked if we wanted to change anything or if we were all good. My friend and I said we were all good, got our things, and left. And drove expeditiously to the nearest drug store, bought some Burt's Bees facial towelettes, and got to scrubbing. At first, I thought my eyelashes were falling out. Then I realized that there was so much mascara on them, that it was flaking off in eyelash-shaped clumps. Thank goodness! I was never so happy to scrub my face!!!
We used THE ENTIRE PACKAGE of towelettes to clean our faces. Gaaaaaaaah. My friend had a tube of moisturizer in her purse so we used a little of that, slapped on some lip balm, and headed to the bar for a good, stiff drink. FiretrUCK.
I hope you have a fun-filled weekend, STalkers!