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OT - Eff Off Friday

Aniki's picture

It's Friday at last. Yippee!!!

This is one looooong eff off to a single thing....

  • Makeup "professionals" who are TERRIBLE at the job.

I grew up a tomboy and played a LOT of sports well into my 30s. I am feminine, but have never been a girly-girl. I'm not big on wearing makeup and prefer a minimalist approach. IOW, a dab of concealer under my eyes, a little bit of powder to take the shine off of my T-zone, eyeliner (pencil form), and lip balm (sometimes tinted). I wear mascara and blush 2-3 times a YEAR. That's it. I don't understand primer or contouring or layers or finishing spray or... I'm sure you get the picture. I am 54 years old and people who don't know me think I'm in 38-42.

Next weekend is SD26's graduation followed by a small party. A friend and I decided to go have makeovers last night. These women are PROFESSIONALS, so maybe I can find a great new product or get some tips on how to improve my technique (if you can call it that - lol).

So there we are, sitting in The Chairs, looking at a table full of 30+ makeup palettes and 100+ brushes. A bit intimidating, but hey! That means Miss Perky and Miss Bubbly know what they're doing, right? I explain my minimalist approach to Miss Perky. AND the fact that I simply cannot tolerate having makeup caked on my face. She "understands" and here we go...

The longer I sat there, the more alarmed I felt. "Painting" under my eyes, around my jaw, down my nose. A spray-on foundation (I could barely breathe) that made my face and neck feel like they were sealed with shellac. Countless commands to "look up" and "look down" while my inner/outer eyelids were attacked with half a dozen different brushes (anyone else think inner eyelid stuff burns a bit?). And then came POWDER. Sure, the brushes were fluffy, but dayum! Powder all over my face, contour powder, blush powder, so much bloody powder I thought I was going to sneeze. And there it was - the mascara wand. I tried to keep the horror from showing in my eyes when I saw those globby black bristles headed for my eyelashes - I was adamant about NO FAKE ONES, much to Miss Perky's dismay. And finally, Finishing Spray. Misses Perky and Bubbly are exclaiming how we're going to want to Go OUT because we look so good and giving each other kudos for a job well done. P & B said they needed to grab curling wands to fix our bangs that they'd pinned back, told us to take a look, and scurried away.


I was abso-f*ckinn-lutely HORRIFIED. I looked like a cross between Tammy Faye Baker and a drag queen. The eyeliner and eyeshadow I requested was barely visible along my lids and at the corners of my eyes. My inner lids were a weird pale beige color that stood out like a neon sign. My eyelids were pale pink with sparkly bits. My eyelashes were fat black clumps of goo. The "blush" on my cheeks was TAN (I learned long ago that dusty rose is the perfect color for my complexion). I now had JOWLS. Every facking pore in my face looked YUGE and it looked like I'd fallen face first into a vat of sparkly beige powder. And my lips. OMG, my facking lips. The lips that my DH says are perfect and are made to be kissed. She had contoured OUTSIDE of my lipline and filled it in with an absoutely awful, completely UNnatural shade of pink (my lips are naturally rosy and look best in shades of wine).

My face frozen with horror, I turned to my friend. She was still looking in the mirror with her mouth hanging open in shock. She turned to look at me. We damn near looked like twins, except for her TURQUOISE eyeliner and ORANGE lipstick.

Perky and Bubbly came back and fixed our bangs and asked if we wanted to change anything or if we were all good. My friend and I said we were all good, got our things, and left. And drove expeditiously to the nearest drug store, bought some Burt's Bees facial towelettes, and got to scrubbing. At first, I thought my eyelashes were falling out. Then I realized that there was so much mascara on them, that it was flaking off in eyelash-shaped clumps. Thank goodness! I was never so happy to scrub my face!!!

We used THE ENTIRE PACKAGE of towelettes to clean our faces. Gaaaaaaaah. My friend had a tube of moisturizer in her purse so we used a little of that, slapped on some lip balm, and headed to the bar for a good, stiff drink. FiretrUCK.


I hope you have a fun-filled weekend, STalkers!


thinkthrice's picture

To Mrs. Headlights and all her enablers who do all her work for her while she takes the week off!

Just venting!  Looks like the Makeup Artists were more Jackson Pollock than anything else.   They were trying to "bake" you!

P.S. on makeup...I was sick and tired of mascara so I did something rather daring.  I have somewhat short, straight  thick "asian" eyelashes if you will so I decided to do DIY eyelash extensions using individual fans and boy they are GREAT!!  I wake up every morning looking like I have curled my eyelashes (something I quit doing a long time ago because getting older they were beating the crap out of my eyelashes.)   I use natural looking fans  from 12mm to about 7 or 8 mm.. no cat eye look just short to long to short for mapping.   What a TIME SAVER!!!  I can actually go out of the house without some concealer on my lids too!

When I do the concealer and the full makeup job I get quite a few admiring glances from men (we went to a show at a casino) albeit not from Chef.  ha ha ha ha ha!

Aniki's picture

Jackson Pollock, indeed!

Individual fans?? Are these things you glue onto your eyelids? My lashes are long enough (IMO). They look shorter than they really are because the tips are blonde. Regular mascara makes quite a difference.

Do you use a lot of face powder? I don't use much and Miss Perky went completely overboard. ~shudder~

thinkthrice's picture

On a special ocassion I will use urban decay minerals powder for a slight sheen.  I use vitamin C serum and alternate with Retin A (mixed with hydroquinone?)  I wear mineral based SPF especially in the summer (I found a kind that smells like BANANAS and doesn't leave a white cast)  I use some eye cream, a base concealer and a light beige/taupe shadow combo I picked up at TJ Maxx.

Once in a while I'll do my waterline and sometime mascara on the bottom lashes.   The fans you actually glue UNDER your top lashes near the lash line but not on the lid.  I use dark ardell duo adhesive.  WHAT A TIME SAVER!!!  I renew the set every 3 to 4 weeks.  Don't have the need to do any fill ins.  They generally stay put.

Oh and I'm a big fan of Misha on Youtube who does Sugar Puff and Fluff.  Also I was not raised "girly" but was often treated like the male child of the household.  Misha is about 10 years younger than me. 

Aniki's picture

I really want to check it out. My skin isn't dry, so I can still wear powder without problem. Liquid foundation has always been a nightmare for me.

Products last a long time for me, too, as I use them sparingly.

DPW's picture

I'm so cranky today and reaching my limit, again:

- F. off to our upstairs neighbours who are now not getting evicted after they broke SO's nose, even though they were arrested and have been going to court for the assault.

- F. off to our landlord who says he's going to fix a huge leak in our business' ceiling, from an apartment upstairs' toilet leaking, out of his own pocket, so we don't call our insurance company. This landlord never fixes anything, always full of promises. Wait and see, I guess.

- F. off to bed bugs. One of my work locations (residential mental health and addictions housing) has them and I'm so scared to get them, as are all employees.

- F. off to my allergic reaction, that put me in hospital about a month ago, starting up again now that they are weaning me off the meds. Back to the hospital for another appointment to get to finally get to the root cause.

- F. off to my car, which is showing transmission issues. Simply cannot afford it right now. 

- F. off to weight gain due to being on steroids for the allergic reaction. My appetite is through the roof.

I'll spare you the rest. I really thought 2019 would be a better year, but so far, it sucks big monkey balls. Meh. 

thinkthrice's picture

I heard lysol combats bed bugs.  Not sure but I bring a mini can with me when staying at hotels

Merry's picture

Eff off to SS, who is STILL not paying his own car insurance. He is 33 years old dammit. DH has been “talking” to him about it for at least a year. 

I guess I need to handle it with him myself. 

Cover1W's picture

I don't have too many F offs today.

It's pretty chill at work and home and my NEW DISHWASHER to replace the crappy cheap one that barely works after three point 5 years of it is arriving today - but not installed until Monday.  Maybe that's my eff-off?

AND I'm going to meet up with a couple girlfriends after work. They get to leave work an hour early today, but not me. That's an eff-off!

Makeup - I'm pretty natural as well. One of my guy-friends in college told me once "You are one of those girls that looks better with less makeup..."  So nice. I do about the same as you but because I wear glasses, I actually do wear a bit of mascara and eyeliner otherwise my eyes tend to fade behind my lenses.  I always forget about lipstick unless I'm going out.  I try to remember to wear at least tinted balm during the day at work though.

When we were in England you should have SEEN how much makeup the younger ladies were wearing!  OMG - caked on, fake lashes, contouring, exactly what you are describing.  It's like they were all trying to be in a movie or something - perfect for the camera?  But it did not look good in the middle of the day...garish.

Aniki's picture

Cover, I cannot imagine that caca caked on my face looking good in anything other than dim lighting. If I had taken a picture and showed it to people, they would have asked who it was. I didn't look like me at all!

agitated's picture

I am a minimalist like you, but I am also a ginger and HAVE to wear eye makeup otherwise I look, well, dead. LOL I have invisible eyelashes otherwise. Anywho, I actually wear a shade of turquiose eyeliner, but only because I am so pale and it actually looks good. I get compliments on it all the time. I do a tad bit of mascara and come basic tinted moisturizer with some powder for the shine and light blush, but that's it. I don't understand all the other crap either. WTF is it with coloring in eyebrows??? For one, it's totally noticable and two, mine would never be even.

I don't think I have any Eff-Offs today...hmmmmmm......I'll have to think about it.

Aniki's picture

The friend who went with me is a redhead, but that turquoise was darn near neon and there was waaaay too much.

Ah, I forgot to mention my eyebrows. She used pencil to "deepen" my eyebrows. I felt like an 80s Brooke Shields throwback. There is NOTHING wrong with the shape of my brows. No, they are not "fashionable" and I'm glad! I 110% dislike the current eyebrow trends. Aside from a stray here and there, my eyebrows are naturally arched and I like them!

Siemprematahari's picture

What is it with this drag queen makeup???

  How about the eye lashes that look like snuffaluffagus and not to mention the horrid eyebrows..... You don't see natural beauty anymore because its hiding under a mound of makeup.

I use toner, moisturize every day and use concealer. I have dark circles (hereditary) and aside from some light lip stick/gloss and mascara to darken my lashes I'm pretty light when it comes to make up.

Aniki's picture

Siempre, I just commented above your post that I forgot to mention what she did to my nice, natural eyebrows. BLECH!

I can understand contouring a little, but what Perky did to me was ridiculous. In fact, had she not been so gushy and enthusiastic about it the entire time, I would have thought I was being Punked. Pretty damn bad when you look in the mirror and see a scary stranger!

Thumper's picture


Ok here is mine for today, actually yesterday and I thought of this thread.

So I was sitting in the drive thru waiting my turn. Car in front of me and car behind me....I never squeeze UP so close to the person in front--I give room in case they (or I) need to get out of line.

  I KID YOU NOT...this lady freaking zooms past and wedges HER ass, I mean car right in front of me....I AM FUMING. She wouldn't look at "OMG WAVE thanks a bunch for letting me in, my kids are starving and I am late"...

What is WRONG with people.

If I would have rammed her bumper, it would have been my fault. If I got out of my car SHE could have reported to police I was hostile and threatening.. So I flipped the bird in silence....LOL That was real effective... Wink

I LOVE LOVE LOVE wearing makeup. The basics eyeliner, mascara, sparcly used brow pencil, foundation and ALWAYS lipstick. Sometimes I will add blush. I have high cheek bones that have been good to me. Looks like i have contouring  without putting it on.

Mascara is an Achilles heel for me...they advertise one thing and sometimes deliver Tammy Faye BAKER .



Thumper's picture

Nope Thinkthrice.....that is why I was soooooooooooo mad. La la laaaaa I will just zoom right in and pretend I own this spot.

This was a first for me. Some people think they are entitled to take what they want, when they want it.


Aniki's picture

Wow, what a twatwaffle!

I wish I had a car with a crane on top. I would lift up the offender and set them down off to the side or behind me.

thinkthrice's picture

to carry a dart gun and just shoot their tires out then drive around them.

Aniki's picture

I'm afraid I'd be more tempted to shoot her in the boob! So.... gimme that crane doohickey. Wink

thinkthrice's picture

to Road Construction!   yeah the main route I take to work is totally detoured.  Normally my commute is a straight through 15-18 minutes drive.  Something I specifically chose this job for as I was done with decades of commuting 45 minutes to 1.25 hours a day one way.  I think somewhere along the way I've gotten spoilt over the last almost 9 years now.

Aniki's picture

Ugh, construction. DH and I frequently joke about Wisconsin being Orange Barrel country. Never seen so many!!!

thinkthrice's picture

went up there for a packers game  a few years back

Aniki's picture

We like Rhinelander, Wausau, Hurley, Stevens Point, Eagle River.... we're Northwoods small town lovers.  Smile