I’m new and thanks for listening...I hope I picked the right topic to post this under. I’m a SM of a SS12M and my hubs and I have 2 bio children of our own (DS4M)and DF2F). I want to talk about something that I’m struggling to forgive and let go of.
So, we get SS everyone other year for Christmas. This year was ours. Clearly at his age he doesn’t believe in Santa, but we have two littles who do and because of that, and the fact that I love Christmas, I go all out.
We cut down out tree. I have a massive village underneath that consists of my mom’s hand painted Department 56 houses, a tree, ice skaters, the works. Customized stockings. Expensive Christmas china. Christmas music. I set out reindeer food and make “fake snow” for our mantle to indicate when Santa comes down the chimney. I say this not to brag, but for you to understand what goes in to this holiday for me. I love it, every moment. And that’s so secret to hubs.
I believe our littles have such little time to believe in the magic of Christmas, it’s important for me to make these years as special as possible because I know it will end soon.
At any rate, the problem: I stopped buying SS’s gifts and my hubs does it now. The reason being, I bought them in years past and he’s acted like a spoiled brat and complained about what I got him (well, termed “we” and the gifts were husband-approved, I just did the buying since I’m home). The last year or two my husband has done all the shopping for him since I refused, and most of the gifts still remain in their boxes from years ago, unless it’s a video game.
Anyway, this year my hubs collaborated with his father and got SS12 some rollerblades and gear. Cool. But since the stuff was very expensive, he got less gifts than the 4 yr old and 2 yr old (clearly; we had a set budget for each child which was equal, so this was understood). SS12 loved them (finally!) so that was good.
Heres where the trouble starts. SS12 decides he wants to go outside immediately to ride them (as soon as he opened them) and it was fine with all of us. The problem is, my husband decides to go out and watch him try them, leaving our littles waiting to open the rest of their gifts.
Finally hubs comes back for maybe 30 seconds to watch them open 1 gift and turns around to go back outside to watch again.
So our kids wait.
15 minutes later, still waiting.
Mind you, my mother is there in the room as well as my brother and sister-in-law- now they are getting annoyed that my kids have to wait.
Im having them wait because their father picked out special gifts for them and I wanted him to see their reaction, the Christmas magic that we have so little time with.
I got to the point where I felt so bad for these kiddos having to stare at their gifts and wait that I let them start opening, and then I went to the door to yell outside about him missing it, and he came back with like 2 gifts left.
I know this sounds shitty, because I get he feels guilty about divorce, he’s not there all the time, etc., but I wouldn’t have cared if he went to watch him on the roller blades all day if he just gave 20 consistent minutes for our kids to see what Santa brought. SS12 could have went outside alone while hubs watched for that short time for our kids to open their gifts in front of the family, but he didn’t.
I know this sounds maybe petty or whiny, but this truly broke my heart. Not only was I embarrassed in front of my family waiting that whole time (“where is he?!”) but I just felt like our kids were depriortized and it didn’t matter what their reactions were when they opened the gifts they asked for.
We had a fight about this about 2 weeks later because I had finally found the words to describe it (it took that long for me to speak rationally without yelling) but he got very defensive and it turned in to a fight). He then apologized and said it wouldn’t happen again.
My problem now is that I truly am having a hard time letting it go and I need help. I have not brought it up again but it sometimes weighs on me. I just felt they were shoved aside, or I was also thinking that he may view it as “oh their mom is there giving them that attention so they don’t need me as much”, when clearly SS has a doting mother and father too. And, btw, I’m a divorced kid so I empathetize.
I need some help forgiving or something. It was helpful to even write this out. Thanks for listening.