You are here

I want him I try to accept his daughter but I always dreamed of my own child. He doesn’t know if he can give me that

Stilltrying92's picture

<p>Hey all,</p><p>so im here cause I&rsquo;m finding being a step parent very challenging. I&rsquo;ve been with my partner three years and I&rsquo;ve had to try to accept his teenage daughter. Things have been up and down recently and it&rsquo;s knocked my trust and faith in our relationship. Due to this I brought up my doubts with my partner about what he sees from our future. This is when he told me he didn&rsquo;t know if he saw himself having another kid. I&rsquo;ve never been a parent and really want to be a mum. He tells me he didn&rsquo;t want to be a parent initially when he found out his ex was pregnant but then didn&rsquo;t regret it after. He really loves his daughter you can see that. However, with us it will have to be planned as I&rsquo;m on contraception. My partner tells me he feels too old and maybe in time he might grow to want another child. I don&rsquo;t want to wait and then it to be too late. He&rsquo;s only 38 and I&rsquo;m 27. We have decided to wait till after we have been on holiday to see if he has decided by then. It&rsquo;s so complicated as we have a house together that we are doing up, that&rsquo;s nowhere near a sellable condition. I am trapped either way financially. I&rsquo;ll either be heartbroken in a relationship knowing I won&rsquo;t be a mother or heartbroken from breaking up still living together. I can&rsquo;t help feeling resentful towards his ex and his daughter because I feel like they are the reason he won&rsquo;t have a child with me. However, I know it&rsquo;s not there fault and so I&rsquo;m trying to manage this. I care about the stepchild even if she does drive me crazy sometimes, like every teenager and I know she would be a brilliant sister and it pains me to think that can&rsquo;t happen, when he initiatlly led me to believe he wanted that too. I thought a child would make me feel a part of their family and really want to share that with them and I feel so isolated and rejected not knowing what the future now holds. I feel like me and my partner are two individuals now and no longer a partnership and it kills me. How am I meant to go on like this for two months till after the holiday. I can&rsquo;t even see him making a decision by then.&nbsp;</p>

Curious Georgetta's picture

You should look for a partner who shares that need and dream.

This is probably not the first man that you have loved ,and he is not the only man that you are capable of loving.

If you want to be a mom, it should not be because you want to feel like a part of his family.

Your child deserves to be conceived in love and both to 2 people who are eager and certain that they are ready to be parents.

tog redux's picture

Not sure what the hell happened with the formatting, but that is hard to read.

At least he has the courage to tell you that he doesn't want more kids. Are you married? The word "partner" confuses me.

If he doesn't want any more kids, cut him loose. That's one of the things that aren't worth compromising on, and you will regret it at some point.

Monkeysee's picture

I gave up reading it because the formatting was really annoying.

OP if your partner doesn't want more kids or 'isn't sure' he wants more kids (which usually means he doesn't want them but is too chicken sh*t to say that because he knows you might leave him over it), then you need to decide what's in YOUR best interest.

If you really want to have your own children, this most likely isn't the guy for you.  I know someone who strung his ex along for years, promising her the kids they'd have, but just 'not yet'. Despite the fact that they were both in mid 30's, owned their own home, and had their own established careers.  Truth was he had no intention of having kids with her, but he wasn't ready to leave her either, so he told her what she wanted to hear until he finally ended the relationship years later.

Now she's nearly 40 and may never have kids of her own.  Don't let that happen to you. If he 'isn't sure', give him a deadline.  Not for him, and not as an ultimatum, but for your own sake so you don't waste years of your life with someone who has no intention of giving you what you really want.  Put yourself first. Take care of YOU.

MrsStepMom's picture

I really hope you had the “do you want kids” talk before marriage or living together or whatever your situation is because that’s like date three talk. If you both just assumed you were on the same page then you both made major mistakes in being invoked before you were clear. If he changed his mind, well, that can happen and it sucks but then you have to decide to leave or stay. If he lied to you, fucking leave. 

shamds's picture

marriages/relationships a man/woman can honestly tell you if they see you walking down the aisle or at least say they are real serious and have that serious talk asking what your 5-10 yr plan is regarding career, marriage/settling down and kids etc.

they shouldn’t be wishy washy as thats an automatic concern for me. 

Me and my husband have a large age gap, but he told me within the first few weeks of meeting that even though he had been married for 16 years and had 3 kids, it was not a proper marriage. He never experienced anything normal in it and felt he wasted his life

he wanted to experience the courtship, falling in love, settling down, getting married and having kids and being involved etc because his ex never allowed him to be involved during pregnancy etc

he had been lied to and cheated by multiple women who thought they could scam him and just wanted to be with him because he was successful and quite well off. He was put off ever being in a relationship again and said he’d rather grow old. 

Then we met, fell in love and he finally saw that there are good people out there, he finally had hope and he knew early on if he wanted to pursue a relationship with me, it was automatically common sense and logic having kids is a natural progression unless the woman explicitly says “i do not want kids”.

my husband would never allow himself to pursue a younger woman who had never married or had kids and say i don’t want kids. Having kids is a normal progression and a part of celebrating your love and commitment together as a family... we never discussed numbers specifically but hubby always said he was happy with 2 which we have a daughter and so  but said he was open to more provided we could manage it financially etc...

after our son was born my husband was happy with our 2 and said he felt it was enough. Inside i’m not at that definite point and told him i feel likei might want another 1 or 2 but in a few years time when i’ve finished my studies and re-entered the workforce and finances aren’t an issue. He is happy with this

Op has been with this guy 3 years and he has led her on, knowing all along his preference was to not have kids or his feeling was leaning towards 109% i don’t want more kids. Surely this is something you are upfront about and say “look you’re younger than me, i don’t want to lead you on, i know you probably want kids but i don’t think i want that at my age and where i am in my career”. Instead he’s given the impression you’re in a committed relationship but known he wouldn’t be delivering on having kids with you...

that first year getting to know my husband and long distance too.... he would say “i know i am old and can’t compete with you etc and i don’t want to fight, i just want to enjoy my life with you in it. I know you might have other plans to work etc but he was upfront about settling down early. That meant quitting my job and moving overseas and possibly putting my studies on hold a bit while i had kids to support him as he had a stable successful career. He gave me time to figure out if i was ready for that. We married a year later... 

these are all standard discussions you should be having within that first year.. i think op man is a bit of a player, wants the companionship and benefits of sex but none of the committment in having kids... really selfish when you’re with a much younger woman or one you know wants kids

ndc's picture

IMO, your dream to have children should not be one you give up for a man.  There are other men out there who want to have children with whom you could be just as compatible.  Don't wait too long for him to decide whether he's willing to have children.  And frankly, "willing to" wouldn't be enough for me - I'd need a "want to."  Otherwise you might hear about how YOU were the one who wanted kids any time things with the child got difficult. 

If he was not initially honest with you about wanting children, I wouldn't wait for him to make up his mind, I would just leave.  There's not reason to be less than truthful about something so important.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture


Letti.R's picture

You are still young and giving up your hopes to be a mum is not worth any man.
It is a short term knock to have to sell the house and maybe take a loss: it is a life time loss to not have a child you want because your partner has previous history.

If he doesn't want kids, more kids or kids with you,  it is his right to decide this.
It only means he is not a partner for you as he doesn't share your views on children or what you see your future as.

Move on.
It will hurt but you free yourself to find someone who shares what you want.

pinklove0015's picture

Your still young! run and find someone who has the same values beliefs and wants the same things you do!

hereiam's picture

I always dreamed of my own child. He doesn’t know if he can give me that 

Then, he should be man enough to let you go and you should be strong enough to walk away.

This is not something that should be compromised on, for either one of you.

sunshinex's picture

I waited until I was entirely ready and financially stable to have my own child. I wanted to be married, and ideally, I wanted my child to be a first for both of us, but despite that, having my own child has given me so much happiness. My child has been the answer to every question I've ever had about purpose. If you really want a child, leave and have one with someone who really wants one too. For me, at least, it's been a beautiful thing that I would never take back. 

Thumper's picture

Find a "PARTNER" you can have children with.

This is not the right man for you. Sorry and Good Luck

decofru's picture

you want a child and he is not sure he can give you that especially because he already has a childmof his own... that's a deal breaker right there! Why are you still with him?

Winterglow's picture

So you've been with him for three years and he's only just fessed up aboiut not wanting more children? Cut your losses. He says he might grow to change his mind? If he thinks he's too old now he's not going to get any younger. Cut your losses. Youi don't feel like you're part of a family, you feel rejected. A child is NEVER the solution for a relationship that is not working. Cut your losses.

You're young, don't waste any more time on him. He led you on. He made you believe that one day he'd "reward" you with a child ... that, in a nutshell, is lying in my book. He has robbed you of three years of your life that you cannot ever get back, by dangling a dream  in front of you. 

Life's too short.

flmomma08's picture

That would be a dealbreaker for me. When DH and I got together, SD was 2 and I didn't have my own kids yet but I knew I wanted them. If DH didn't want more kids, I can't imagine that I would have stayed with him.