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Do older SKs know about CS

Thisisnotus's picture

Just curious if your older SKs know if your DH pays child support, especially if it’s a substantial amount?

my kids know that their dad does as he reminds them probably daily.  

My SKs do not know and apparently BM has spent the last 4 years (news to us) poor mouthing to her kids and saying they are poor because DH left them and started a new family and how they wouldn’t be in this situation if DH hadn’t left them.

he only divorced her....he pays a hefty CS, health insurance, 1/2 of whatever BM asks for usually. She stuck him with most of the debt...she kept the 3 houses  all with equity. He also has them 1/2 the time and spends money on them a lot. 1/4 of the time DHs mom buys them whatever.

I often thinks DH needs to tell the kids the truth.

BM basically took DH to the cleaners and he let her because he just wanted out, so if we dare buy anything new for ourselves or go on vacation she goes bat shit crazy. I assume this is coming from our upcoming family vacation. BM just got back from taking the kids on a week long vacation....

tog redux's picture

I don't have an issue with kids knowing about child support, as long as it's not used as a way to talk trash about the other parent, ie, "We can't buy anything nice because your mother makes me pay X amount of child support," or "We are poor because your father doesn't pay his child support".

But I don't see why kids shouldn't know that both parents support them financially, with one giving the other money to help pay for their needs.

STaround's picture

It is fine to tell kid about CS, but I also think it is wrong for a CS payor to imply that the CS is ONLY for kid's clothing, activities etc.  It may seem like a lot, especially to a kid, that CS payor is paying say $800 a month.  Kid may think, I should get a new Iphone, etc.   CS receiver should feel comforable saying it costs me say $500 a month to get an apartment or house in a good school district, and that is where most of it goes.  

MrsStepMom's picture

My SS knows because his BM BITCHES non stop that she cannot do whatever because of the massive $200 a month she pays. She also tells him that that is A LOT and it is paying my car payment (uh what bitch?? that barely feeds him). DH has explained to him numerous times that it is NOT a lot and she doesn't even pay on time so it is not even money we can rely on. It comes for a while, then not for months, rinse, repeat, since she cannot keep a job. She also has him convinced she cannot pay for things for him because "i have to take care of myself first". No bitch you take care of your kid first. I don't care if you don't eat, you feed  your kid first. People have done it for decades if need be. She also makes well into 6 figures.

I do not think SS SHOULD know but BM did that.

My best friends ex got 15k a month and would constantly tell her kids (who dad paid well above and beyond for activities, school, medical) that she cannot afford things because dad doesn't give her enough money. She had her daughter in tears because "since dad doesn't pay me you can't go to your private school anymore, her senior year) because she was supposed to pay that year as dad had paid prior. So dad pays anyway and BM had traumatized the child. I know they do not know the amount mom gets but she still pulls this BS. Truly ridiculous. Yes at that point she was paying the mortgage on the house, and it was a good amount (about 4k) but she had a paid off car, dad covered health insurance, etc. so how 15k couldn't cover that, who knows. Dad also paid all the debts from their marriage NOT her. I think that is pure trash personally. She went as far to send him a monthly spreadsheet of things he had to pay half for "body wash, $3, your half $1.50). So he has to pay for their "body wash" at his house and half of hers while she gets 15k a month? That woman was a terrorist. She was supposed to buy one kid a car as dad bought the first kids (not necessary but their arrangement) but refused saying she couldn't afford it so dad also bought her a car. At this point he was just pleased to make mom look stupid while he spoiled the kid. She is a great kid and deserved the car (honor role, full college scholorships, missionary trips, you name it).

shamds's picture

Ridiculous toiletries at her home? You would think since he has to provide it at his home and this isn’t being brought from home to home that you just don’t claim it...

reading some of the posts above it seems pretty consistent that these hcgubm pas seem to want to milk their exhusbands dry, keep the child support money to themselves to fund their high lifestyles while giving impression to their kids they’re poor as so they don’t have to pay anything or as minimal as possible for maintenance of their child for the essentials

MrsStepMom's picture

Ya she’s a fairly ridiculous person. The best was her showing up to our office for him to sign some paperwork full of Botox gone very wrong. She looked like a monster, truly. Good way to spend the money. 

Jcksjj's picture

I knew all about CS as a teen. My mom complains to this day about it (she got plenty and for a long time after they divorced was able to afford a big nice house only working 4 hours a day) and my youngest brother is now 24. She whined nonstop about it getting reduced when the older 2 of us turned 18. Also still cries about how she no longer gets tax credits for having kids....and then when I say well none of us live with you why would you she just whines more. Its extremely irritating. Her and her boyfriend make about 150k together, they aren't poor at all.

When I was pregnant with ODS I moved back in with her briefly while i was waiting and had applied for medical and financial assistance. Until he was born I had to count her income so when I asked about child support to fill out the application she gave me a sob story about how she hadnt received any in months so I put zero. Well social services has access to that info and when I went in he had been paying it for 4 or 5 months and had skipped I think 2 months before that ..he farmed so it had been the period where he had no income right before he got a bunch of income right before harvest. Poor money management maybe, but definitely not just the refusing to pay. The only thing I ever heard my dad say about it at all was when it was only my youngest brother left at home and she was upset he filed to get it reduced and all he said was he has no problem paying it just wants it to be a fair amount. 

The skids probably don't want to hear her whining about it anymore than I did and I'm sure it stresses them out. It could definitely end up backfiring on mom if shes trying to get sympathy. I dont think it's really appropriate to discuss it with them in that manner - factually would be okay.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Both SSs know, and OSS has known since he was fairly young because BM was badmouthing DH for not paying her enough CS to live.

When OSS asked DH why he didn't pay BM CS, he told OSS that he was paying BM's rent (DH was the co-signer of the lease because BM and her now-XH didn't have the credit), the utilities on the apartment, the car insurance on her truck, and sometimes her cell phone bill. He and OSS turned it into a math lesson where DH told OSS how much he was supposed to pay versus how much he paid, and OSS understood that DH gave BM way more money than he was COed.

FIL used to give the boys change every visit to put in their piggy banks. Apparently (this was all long before DH and I started dating), when DH dropped the kids off, OSS handed BM his bag of change and told her she needed it more than he did. Cue BM calling DH in a rage, and DH chewed her up one side and down the other for dragging the kids into their issues to begin with.

OSS still knows BM gets CS plus some because he has been around when DH has paid his half for things and other stuff. He knows I carry them on insurance because I have given BM insurance cards in front of them (she uses the kids as a buffer). So, he knows, but he may not know exact amount. YSS I just don't think cares.

Cover1W's picture

The SDs know, either from BM or DH. It's not a huge amount, but it's why most clothing and other needs are mostly purchased by BM. DH pays for other things related to school or our home, so it's in the end a pretty fair split.

He has told them he doesn't have the money for their college because BM took his retirement/college fund, then stuck him with the tax bill, which was for them. He said that BM has it, she and her family can help them, plus they need to think scholarship - which is totally in the realm of possibility as they are excellent students. 

And BM had to be told the Cover is in no way responsible financially for anything, including college about two years ago.

thinkthrice's picture

 they were PASed out when little and were told from day one that Chef is a deadbeat dad and didn't pay a cent.  I'm sure they still believe that to this day now that older two are in their twenties

shamds's picture

The 2 sd went with their mum. Bio mum according to sd23 pays for the basic expenses of sd14 and her school expenses and sd23 helps pay for things. Bio mum faked an imaginary leg can’t walk condition so eldest sd23 had to move out and care for sd then 12 while eldest sd was studying at uni when in reality youngest sd had to be given to their dad...

the reality is bio mum does not contribute anything. Hubby pays the amount courts set at $500 monthly, exwife takes a minimal portion of this and supposedly gives it to sd23 for sd14 expenses. Bio mum contributes nothing of her own money.

 exwife actually stole private savings money of hubbys  which courts dictated she had no right too so hubby fought hard to not let her take him to the cleaners. She got a lump sum amount payout. 

She lives this fantasy of wanting the benefits of married life where she is a sahm to my husband so no work and spend my husbands money when reality is they are divorced, both married to new partners and equally need to contribute to their own kids. Exwife hasn’t worked in 25 years, she never even bought a home with the money she stole out of hubbys private savings and even tried to get access to his pension fund, something she can’t get or is entitled to in the country they’re in.

she came from a poor uneducated family and showed off to her family how rich and upper class she was when married to my husband taking family of 5 star holidays with 1st class tickets on hubbys credit card (the family that threatened hubby multiple times for not giving her more money), now that she is divorced and her own family know about the money she stole before and during divorce and got from divorce court, they hate her to bits because she’s loaded as but plays the poor woman image married to her ex high school sweetheart who is a policeman and lives in police quarters. Her current husband bought a home in their town they grew up in... 

we suspect she wasted the money she stole on god knows what which is why she has convinced her 2 daughters to guilt hubby for more money and to support them indefinitely even well into adulthood after they have degrees and a fulltime job because they are incapable of being self sufficient courtesies of their mums pas, manipulation and narcissm.  My husband earns a 6 figure salary, in the 5.5 yrs i have known him we haven’t even come close to spending even 1/10th of the money she stole. Thats including our honeymoon to europe, our wedding and yearly holidays to overseas.

My husband has since the 2 sd re-initiated contact mid last year, when school is about to start messages eldest sd to see if she has everything youngest sd needs for school like stationaries and uniform, school shoes etc out of concern for them... he can’t help the psycho he stupidly married over 26 yrs ago but he still wants his conscience clear he did his part to raise his kids even if bio mum fails to step up... sadly the sd’s are too brainwashed by bio mum and the lies she planted that hubby pays peanuts for them but we apparently live a life of luxury. Yes hubby has a good salary but he’s always lived well under that and pumped alot into savings for retirement. Skids were raised in a simple home with no real luxuries apart from daily mcdonalds because it was too beneath exwife to cook for her kids as a sahm while she prioritised daily shopping sprees

i have asked my husband several times years ago like seriously how could you stay and remain married to this woman for 15 years before initiating divorce because the amount of crap she and her family pulled on hubby is mind boggling and hubby couldn’t confide in his family until the very end. They enjoyed the humour in the crap wife he had instead of trying to support him and give him advice. They were more worried about keeping up appearances...

at times it truly feels stepparents are the only sane normal positive examples for the ex’s and stepkids yet they’re too enmeshed, coddled, pissed off and jealous to stubbornly see it... we often get to a point where its like screw it, i need to save my sanity and disengage.!!!

TheEvilStepmomStrikesBack's picture

SS knows that DH provides money for his BM to help take care of him but he doesn’t know the amount. We always make sure that he goes back in exactly the clothes he comes in when he visits because she will send it to small cut up an old clothing.  This last weekend he came in size 2T underwear (he’s 11) and no socks. I always make sure to explain to him that we do not have enough money to support him at his moms house and here and then his mom gets money to make sure that he has everything he needs there. As it is. His dad can’t afford to buy him these things at the moment and I refuse to eat bad for him at the expense of my own child because his mom wants to go on vacations instead of be a responsible parent and buy clothing and school supplies

Thumper's picture

Yes of course they should know---kids in Elem school should know ncp gives cp $xyz amount.

Why shouldnt kids know ncp gives cp money?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

sunshinex's picture

BM doesn't pay child support and hasn't been ordered to because my husband was too proud. It's annoying, and quite honestly, I look forward to the day when she asks if her mother pays anything towards her, if she does. 

Rags's picture

We shared regularly with SS what the SpermClan paid in CS. I thought it was important that SS understood that his SpermClan was complying with their court ordered CS obligation and that the were demonstrating that they at lease cared that much.

We also gave SS clarity on what it took to deliver the standard of living we provided as he was growing up so that he understood that they were full of shit when they were bitching and moaning about how the CS they paid was taking food out of the mouths of  his three  younger also out of wedlock Spermidiot spawned half sibs by to other baby mamas. 

The CS obligation began at $110/mo, increased a year later of $133/mo, increased to $385/mo 9 years later for the last 7 years of the CO.   

It is important that Skids understand the facts. Show them the total contribution breakdown spreadsheet for everything that you and DH have provided over the years.  When they play the "mom is poor" card the countless $thousands you and DH have provided should shut that crap down pronto.