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BM forbids it

ncp-ncsp's picture

H's kids live with mom in another state 300+ miles away. We get them about 4 times a year in addition to spring break and summer, and sometimes Christmas. I've been married to H for over a decade. I have a decent rapport with SD20 who won't be coming this summer because she has a job (so far; she got off for spring break so we'll see). H and his X split when SS14 was 1 and he is BM's golden child, so it's different with him. BM, a while back, insisted that I was not to co-parent because I am not their parent. I have somewhat disengaged, but I do not want anything negative she says about me to be true in their eyes. It is ultimately up to the kids what their perspective is, but I'll not disengage to the point they think I do not care or don't like them. I may dislike some of their behaviors or attitudes, (mainly the ones adopted from BM's influence) but I like them. 

BM calls H and basically tells him that his time with SS was to be with just him. Texts during spring break consisted of BM interrogating SS about my whereabouts and pushing him to not like my presence. H takes the phone at night so SS will sleep, otherwise, he won't. Do I use the time when SS is here to interact more and teach him some life skills when the moment calls for it or keep my distance?

Jcksjj's picture

She has no right to say you can't be there. You're married to his dad, she has to deal with it. What does the court order say for communication with BM while SS is at your house? I'd consider limiting his communication with her even more if she is just going to use him to try to control you and DH, that's really unfair to him to have to deal with that.

Also, I'd take it at his pace for developing a relationship. Dont disengage just because of BM if SS wants to get to know you better, but dont make him if hes uncomfortable either.

elkclan's picture

BM in my life goes through phases where she doesn't want me around the kids. I can never tell if she doesn't want me around them or if she just wants to keep them in the little village so that she can control my SO's time and their time. Not sure. Doesn't matter, but she's gone on the attack and doesn't want me spending any time with SS12 stb13 on his birthday. I guess it kills her that I'll see him at 13 before she will. Whatever, I mean I get it, because I have a son, too that I haven't been able to spend HIS birthday with for the past few years, but like Elsa says, I let it gooooo..... 

BM does not get to control how you spend your time in your own house or who you spend it with. Expect more of this drama because SS at 14 is going to be pulling further and further away from her. It's natural. It's hard, I see it with my son, but it's natural. 

tankh21's picture

What is with these women trying to control everything in their kid's and exes lives while the skids are on visitation with the NCP. Apparently these women are just that miserable and feel that everyone else should be miserable just because they are. BM over here tries to control everything as well. My DH took the skid's cell phones away and BM demanded that the OSS have his cell phone in our house at all times. DH told her that if she didn't cross boundaries and invade our privacy then the skids could have their cell phones. When BM doesn't get her way she threatens. DH just ignores her for the most part. OP don't let BM dictate and control what you do in your own home. You can't really do anything about BM parent alienating the skids if you don't want to disengage and to continue to try to have a relationship with your skids then just ignore the psycho.

tog redux's picture

DH needs to ignore her, and he needs to talk to SS about it - that's it's OK to like you even if it upsets his mother. He should help SS14 understand these patterns and how to stand up to BM, or at least not let it affect him.

Good luck, my SS19 never could do it - he just eventually let BM absorb his being rather than deal with her pressure.

ncp-ncsp's picture

This is the kind of talk I hope H will have with SS. I do somewhat fear SS will cave to BM's covert toxicity.

STaround's picture

DH needs to ingore her, but listen to his kid.  That does not mean taking him to Six Flags every night, but showing interest in his school progression, figuring out some activities for the kid during the day over the summer and any long breaks.  

dysfunctionally_blended's picture

Don't get involved. It is your DH's place to set the record straight. If he doesn't then it's on him.

Live your life, go about your business, don't change just because skid and BM have a problem. The best way to fight back is to not fight at all and move on happily.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

BM can refuse to deal with you directly but in your home do as you will. I'm not saying take over parenting and ignore your husband but do what you do.

In my home I'm an adult and the kids are kids. They will show me a basic amount of respect and I will provide a basic level of care. Thankfully right now we have a bond that allows a more complete relationship and I am a maternal figure to them. I have not replaced BM but I am one more adult who loves and cares for them and and they love me back.

If tomorrow it changed and they were alienated from me I would still demand basic respect. This means they contiune to have dinner with us as a "family". They interact in a polite fashion. I wouldn't expect boardgame nights and bedtime stories to continue and they can be independant but I would still take the higher road and infrom them if I'm doing a movie or going to the store to see if they want to join. This way they can never say I didn't care or try. They can refuse but I atleast offered.

Rags's picture

Are you F-ing kidding me?

BM gets shit for nothing as far as opinion on how you parent and partner with YOUR husband in YOUR marriage.  If you don't live with BM, she can STFU and stay quiet.

Why on Earth would you allow her to dictate anything in your marriage and family and why didn't your DH get his balls back from her in the divorce?  He needs to put a stop to BM's crap right now and so do you.  No more calls when the Skids are visiting their dad in your home. No more opinions, not an F-ing word that in any way shape or form expresses an opinon on your DH's time with his kid in his home that he makes with you. Not... a.... word.

Time for DH and you to partner in giving the Skid's clarity on how things work in your home including that BM has zero say or standing ... PERIOD!

This has nothing to do with hating your kids. It has to do with modelling  healthy adult relationships between equity life partners.  And modeling that no adult ouside of the spouses gets any say at all in that relationship or the family that the partners make together regardless of the biology of any kids that may entail. Including BM.

Quit letting BM have space in your head, in your marriage and in YOUR blended family. She spawned the kids, she does not come with them to your world when they visit. She stays in her's.

ncp-ncsp's picture

Update: Summer parenting time, SS has been sleeping until H gets home, which is fine by me. I am not to co-parent, right? There was a chance of SD moving here but that is gone for now since I am almost certain BM pit the skids against one another, lied to SD about SS also wanting to move here, which he does not, and must have laid some guilt trip on her about missing her and needing her to help with house bills.

Both kids would rather I didn't exist, but I do. I remember a line of thinking when I was younger, that if my stepmom passed away, I would have more time with my dad, I never voiced this because I knew she wasn't really doing anything to keep him from me. Well, she did eventually pass, and his frequency of contact did not change. I realized he saw and called as often as he was going to. Before he passed, he voiced his regret of not reaching out more often, which I understand as a noncustodial mom. I have since made much more effort to contact my own at least once a week. I also talked to H about all of this last night. I don't want him to have the same regrets as my dad. He has AFib, and moderate to severe sleep apnea. BM be damned, I want the skids to know the truth about the whole situation, and I want it to come from H. I can stand being low-key hated, but H thinks it won't make a difference if he says anything. He doesn't want to rock the boat, but he doesn't realize the boat is sinking for his kids. H does not want me to go away while they're here, and neither do I. 

I don't know what to do regarding letting the cat out of the bag. I know it will be a sh!t-show no matter how it happens, and that H needs to start being as brutally honest with his kids as his eldest is with me. I do know I will not disappear for BM nor her minions.

Thisisnotus's picture

"he doesn't want to rock the boat, but he doesn't realize realize the boat is sinking for his kids."

No truer words ever spoken about these fathers. WTF is wrong with these men? Mine included.

Honestly, you need to just not worry about it. It is his problem and will be his regrets. My DH will be an old man with huge regrets also b/c he's so scared of rocking the boat while his kids seem to be more PAS'd by the is totally PASd and won't even take her shoes off at our house in fear she may get to comfy and BM might freak........there is nothing we can do about it.