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When adults are the real problem

Thisisnotus's picture

Yeah I have complained about my SKids but at the end of the day I really like them. They are kind and treat me wonderfully and my bio kids and skids get along perfectly with ZERO issues and they all love their 1 year old baby sister so so much. My skids and bios are all girls ranging from 11-16....3 are mine 2 are Dhs and then our baby girl....

our issue isn’t and has never really been the kids. It’s the adults. It’s my MIL acting like BM rules the world, it’s my FIL and his wife having BM and skids over and not telling DH. It is BM alienating DH the kids. It’s my Ex H and his wife trying to and succeeding with 1....alienating my kids from me. It’s my family still thinking and saying me exH walks on water as if if my new marriage is less than....When is it too much and how do you deal with the adults?

dh and I do both come from 15 plus years of previous marriages but damn!

 

 

tog redux's picture

Seems like the adults are the reason for 99.9% of the situations on here.  Either a DH who parents poorly, or a crazy BM.  People rant and rave about their skids, when really, one adult or the other is the REAL problem.

My skid was never a huge issue, it was BM that was the one causing our grief.  She alienated SS and made him an unlikeable copy of her.  He was not a huge issue to be around when he was visiting. 

 

markwvualum's picture

Yes. The adults are almost always the root of the problem. It is usually one or both birth parents parenting poorly, helicopter parenting, practicing permissive parenting, or being their kids friends, a meddling ex or meddling in laws. This results in nothing positive for the kids or the marriage.

TwoOfUs's picture

My skids are fine, too. There are things about each of them that I don't like...and things about each of them that I admire and do like. In other words...they're human. For the most part, they've been good and kind to me, and they still come to me with stuff they need advice about from time to time...often before they go to their dad. I think I'm seen as more "understanding" overall. In general, I feel blessed by this.  

My problems are: 

1.) I have a lot of resentment toward skids because I was unable to have children of my own and I am still grieving that loss. While I completely recognize that this isn't the skids fault in any way, it still makes it tough for me to hang out with them for extended periods of time. The fact is, I don't want a life of going to Christmases, Weddings, Graduations, Births, etc. for someone else's kids when I don't also have my own. It feels very unfair and a bit like drudgery. It's like...with the in-law situation, I genuinely like my in-laws...and also DH and I both have siblings and extended family, so we take turns. With his kids, he's the only one with kids...so it feels totally unbalanced. It's a lot deeper than that of course...but focusing in on the time and personal commitment required is the most tangible way for me to think about and vocalize my feelings...even if I'm only vocalizing to myself. I have to figure out what I'm going to do about this. At this point, I still go to stuff with skids as DH's wife...and I really don't mind it...but doing it for the rest of my life...adding grandkid events to that mix? It feels like a lot. 

2.) I have resentment toward my skids from the past when my DH wasn't great at setting and maintaining good boundaries and because of money issues in the past. Again...not their fault in the least...but I'm better able to heal and put that stuff behind me when I'm not involved with them, for some reason. 

 

I guess it makes me sad...I feel like I could have had a really good relationship with my skids if my DH had put me first from the beginning, gotten serious about starting a family with me, and not relied on me for financial and other support as much as he did. As it is, I'm just glad the contact is minimal now. 

Siemprematahari's picture

Yes I would have to agree that a lot of the issues in these situations stem from the adults. Lack of parenting, setting boundaries, being consistent, not implementing consequences, cases of parental alienation, among other problems helps to create these poor dynamics that we try to navigate through.

As far as the inlaws I would create strong boundaries about having them in my circle. Anything that I feel is negative and toxic in my life will be treated accordingly, family or not....toxic is toxic and you have to take care of you and protect your space.

 

MrsStepMom's picture

It is pretty  much 100% the parents fault. My marriage is ending because my DH refuses to disipline his son. I have a lot of resentment toward SS besause he really is just a mean person (seriously not just toward me) but at the end of the day I am most mad at DH because HE allows it.

Rags's picture

Sounds to me that you and DH need to fight a two front war.  Pick the side that can be most easily defeated and go for their throats.  Your family needs clarity that their loyalty must be with you and your SO's family must have the same clarity message. Finish off the easiest and move on to the more difficult.

You have the new baby trump card.  Are they all willing to forfeit a relationship with their own child and that child's new baby?

My guess is that a clear message of what their disloyalty will cost them may just give them clarity and drive a major adjustment in their bahviors.  They do not have to give up a relationship with their elder GKs but they sure do need to compartmentalize the Xs and not allow the Xs to interfere in the extended family dynamic.

My XILs felt that since I was once a family member I was always a family member.  Birthday cards, family event invitations, invitations to their home, etc... They even extended those invitations to include my new bride and young SS.

We never accepted their invitations though I did go to their home for coffee after running into them at lunch one work day.

Never again.  th

The past is the past.  I do not understand people who would jeopardize a relationship with their own adult child, that child's family, and for sure a new GK to continue a relationship with their child's X who is an X for a reason.

My parents put my XW and my XILs immediately in the past.  They had no use for an adulterous whore nor her family.  My XILs were a different breed.

Good luck. I hope that you and your DH are successful in delivering clarity to both of your families.

Monkeysee's picture

Adults are almost always 100% the issue. I won’t say always, because some kids are born with issues beyond the parents control, but the vast majority of cases, adults mess everything up.

Ive never had an issue with my skids, but I have a pretty big issue with how BM doesn’t parent her kids. DH is big on discipline, respect, boundaries etc (with some influence from me, especially on the boundaries front), but you can’t always make up for the other BP, & that’s a sh*tty pill to swallow.

You’re getting it from every side, I don’t envy your position at all & I’m sorry you have to deal with all of that.