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15 year old stepdaughter issues

Helen01's picture

i have a 15 year old step daughter. My husband has had her full time for 4 years. Her mum is a druggy and drunk and contributes nothing to her daughters upbringing. My sd uses her mum to buy her things that my husband wouldn’t and also goes to stay at her mums on a weekend night because her mum will let her get away with anything, lots of stuff a 15 year old shouldn’t be doing like having her bf over to stay. 

My sds bf is 17 and has now started spending every minute she can with her boyfriend. My husband told her this morning he wanted her to come straight home after school today and her response was ‘yeah I can, my bfs at work anyway’

i personally don’t care, it means I get more alone time with my husband, but I just feel like my husband is always being taken advantage of by his daughter

we never get to have time on our own because we are at home for when his daughter gets home. Recently she’s been really selfish and when she does stay at her moms she always tells us she is last minute. We told her she needs to give her notice so we can then go somewhere on our own as she won’t be home anyway. She said she needs us to stay home in case her mom, as regularly happens, let’s her down and we need to be there for her

Isnot's picture

She is fifteen. She is old enough to be hone alone. I agree with you I’d too be very happy if SD found a boyfriend but she’s too fat and disgusting and socially awkward for anyone to want to date her.

Plantmom's picture

She's 15 she can be home by herself. If your DH is worried about her doing things with the BF then he needs to have the talk and see that she is on birth control. 

So many parents think their kids are children forever and wouldn't do anything bad or can't be left alone. I'm sure she has already had sex with this BF now you just have to make sure she doesn't get pregnant.

Helen01's picture

We know she having sex, she is on birth control but he wants her to know she’s not doing it in his house. I completely understand why he wants that. And if we go away and leave her to have the house to themselves that’s just telling her she can do whatever she wants, I feel like she’d be even more selfish and entitled

twoviewpoints's picture

You could treat her like the immature child she is behaving as. 

It isn't good for your DH and your relationship as an adult couple to sit around home doing nothing day in and day out. You two need time to yourselves doing things such as date nights. You know movie and dinner out. An occasional entire weekend get-away. 

You can't trust the BM to be there for the teen (for when you might go out of town) and you can't leave SD home alone all weekend (or even the evening per Dad). So you locate a reliable older adult (grandparent? Aunt? Church friend? Single middle age or older woman from work? ) who is willing to be hired to come stay in your home. Kind of like an occasional nanny/housekeeper.  You leave the older woman in charge of the home while you're gone (no BF over while you're absent) and SD will have someone in case of real need and someone around to be sure SD is behaving herself. Yep, it might cost some cash hire this person, but very likely money well worth spent. 

You and Dh can't sit home for the next unknown number of years, you can't trust BM nor the SD... so go around the current issue and make some free time and date nights/weekends for you and Dh. 

MrsStepMom's picture

You've got to let that "if she is home alone she can do whatever she wants" mentality. You are holding yourselves hostage. Your kids can do what they want just as easily outside the home. She might do it, but you make rules about not having anyone over when you aren't home and when she breaks them she is punished.

shamds's picture

my parents had to attend court and there would be an hour or so after we got home from school till they got home. They had put a tv in the garage and a seating area and we had keys to enter via a locked side door and watched tv for an hour till they got home. 

A 15 yr old does not need dad and stepmum on standby last minute incase her mum lets her down. By allowing this to happen your whole world and life revolves around her. So next time if you plan a lunch/dinner out or cinema etc, that doesn’t change.

if she calls while you are out at lunch or dinner saying she’s at front door and to let her in, i’d be inclined to say we are out and this is what happens when you do not notify us in advance so you will have to wait for us to get home which will be a few ore hours. Same thing if she has keys to the house and no one is home, you continue with your original plans and do not deviate.

if you come home and boyfriend has been let in, he is told he has 10 seconds to leave your home or you will call the police for trespassing. Start counting to 10 and then start dialling. I doubt the boyfriend would wait unless he’s a dumbass 

we often have allergist/immunisation appt for our kids and as we are leaving ss20 will come out of his room demanding hubby take him to shops to restock food/toiletries supplies for university. Hubby says no, kids have vaccinations at the hospital clinic so you have to do it on your motorbike. He will ask when hubby will be home which is usually late afternoon and ss will sulk and pout but hubby deosn’t care. This is what happens when you lack common courtesy and respect for others time. 

Ss doesn’t want to wait 1-2 hes at clinic for kids to get vaccinated then follow us for grocery shopping so he either does it himself or if hubby is free after we get home, hubby takes him

Helen01's picture

Thank you for your responses. That’s what we are working on now. We make our plans and we stick to them. Last week we planned to take her to sea world (we often take her on theme park trips and she always finds something to complain about and try ruin it) the night before we went she says she’s staying at her mums, obviously so she could have her bf round,  my husband told her if you aren’t up in the morning when we come get you, no more trips for you we do what we want. She made it but by 2pm she wanted to go home because she was tired. So now we’ve agreed we do what we want. So this weekend we are going away to go swim with manatees.

as much as she is a pain and selfish etc I do feel like somehow we also need to make her understand she shouldn’t spend that much time with her bf for her own good too. When it ends she’ll have isolated herself from her friends and her dad, who is the only person who truly cares for her

Winterglow's picture

we often take her on theme park trips and she always finds something to complain about and try ruin it

So stop doing it. Why spend good money on someone who will deliberately suck the fun out of it. If there's a place you really want to go to do it with your dh - just the two of you - and make sure you tell her about it. Why didn't you take her? "Well, as you usually hate the places we take you we didn't think yoiu'd want to come."

Helen01's picture

This is the first time I’ve been on this site and it is very nice to know there’s people in the same boat

futurobrillante99's picture

NO, you do NOT have to stay in "just in case" her mom lets her down. Put cameras on the house and if her boyfriend comes over, breaking the rules, you punish her. Personally, I would not tell her when you'll be home or when you're going out.

My Xskids would always ask, "When are you guys coming home" or "when are you going out - for how long?"

I'm not stupid. I would say, "I'll be home in a few minutes, do you need anything?" LOLZ They wanted to know how long they had. Sometimes I was miles away with no intention of coming home.

"We're going out for a quick run to get gas. Be back in a few minutes." Then stay out longer. When they text "where are you?" Say, "Just down the road. Be there soon."

LOLOLOL

One weekend, XH2 was going out of town and I was going somewhere, too. We didn't tell the guys and, as was typical, if they though we were going to be around, they weren't.

One time, they were told we'd be gone and I made sure every door and window was locked. XH2 (Disney Dad) was upset that I deadbolted the doors - what if they needed to get something out of the house???? Tough titty. They should have planned ahead.

Insanity! When we took real vacations as a couple, we had my DS28 house sit and I made him promise to NOT let them know his work schedule. They pretty much cleared out because...supervision.

 

Helen01's picture

I have honestly thought about setting up a camera or 2. Or even telling her we have one in the house lol. 

My response to her saying we needed to be there in case her bm let her down was mostly shock but I did say to sd ‘listen to what you are saying, how can you possibly want anything to do with someone who you are expecting to let you down’