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O/T When you don't like his job

Letti.R's picture

Off topic and not step related.
I chucked in  steplife at the end of last year, thanks to all the wisdom here.

Enjoying myself out on my own or with friends and the amount of skunks out there is incredible!
Pick up lines?
"Do you like sales? Because clothes are 100% off at my place..."
With the state of some of these men, I don't know how we survive as a species!

Well, I have met someone.
Ticks all the right boxes - including no children - but I am not certain if I like his job.
He isn't a stripper or drug dealer or anything bad.
I don't know if I am comfortable with what he does for a living.
It is a normal job though.

What advice do you have?
Is there anything that made you doubt the suitability of your SO or spouse, desides the baggage of kids and ex?


Chmmy's picture

Hi Letti. Glad you are doing well. I do remember your sadness. And no kids big bonus!!! He could be a murder for hire and Id say go for it over skidlife.

It's hard to say because you weren't specific on the job he has. Im guessing you have a reason you omitted that detail. I mean he could be a police officer and you dont like the danger even though you respect him. He could be a politician and you dont trust him because well politics but no the dream. 

Before skidlife I did online dating. A LOT of assholes but i dated a lot of ok guys. Maybe one or 2 dinners :)   Im a different person now dont know if I could do that again. I waited til I was 45 to get married. Im independent and it was hard to get me to settle down. I now love married life ya know for a minute til the skids walk in the room. I love DH & I love us together... but him as a father ugh.

Letti.R's picture

Thank you Chmmy! Wink
Big laugh on an assassin over skids!!

Very perceptive.
He is a police officer.
Not a problem, but he is an armed police officer and we have a different take on guns here in the UK.
It is the element of danger which gives me pause.
I have  a new  appreciation for people who are married to cops, fire fighters or people in the military.

ETA: online dating is a no.
Too many weirdos who lie.

hereiam's picture

I, personally, have never dated a cop or fire fighter, but I have a friend who is marred to a fire fighter, who used to be a cop. It's tough. The danger and the hours.

Chmmy's picture

My dad was a Chicago Police Officer. He retired just in time before people stopped fearing the police and started shooting at them.

There is a gun debate in the Chicago area. I grew up with guns in my house and am comfortable with having them around but my DH keeps his locked up at his mom's house as kids touch things they arent supposed to touch so why take chances.

My dad put his gun out of reach of children and we were told not to touch it, so we didnt. Things are different with kids now, especially skids. Being told not to do something is more like a suggestion.

futurobrillante99's picture

My dad kept an unloaded revolver in his dresser. We were afraid of him so we NEVER touched it.

Mine are kept in a safe and no one has the code but me.

Chmmy's picture

I know right? I didnt cross my father. Ever. My kids didnt cross me and Im not that intimidating. Im 5ft4 with shoes on and sound like Mickey Mouse when I yell. My kids respected me. Still do

futurobrillante99's picture

I own guns, so don't let that be a turn off. Just try to find out if he's had any issues with PTSD or domestic violence. Try to find out how he's coped with any incidents on the job if he had to use his service weapon.

I would say the scariest thing about falling for a police officer or first responder is the chance they'll be injured or killed in the line of duty. You have to be prepared for that. Sad

Letti.R's picture

Thanks FB.
When I go home, there are shotguns and rifles.
I grew up with those although there were no handguns.

You are on to what I dont like: being injured or killed in the line of duty.
It rarely happens, but it is a factor, even if it is a remote chance.

Being an armed police officer means he has drawn a weapon numerous times.
Fired at someone?
Not necessary in his judgment.
He was shot at but said Stevie Wonder would have been more accurate...
They do mandatory de-briefings and mandatory individual  psychological counselling after such incidents: they don't have  a choice not to.

Most suspects surrender when faced with armed officers.
Police fire at suspects on average 12 times a year in the UK, with around 6 fatalies, even though the police are shot at far more often.
They don't bring weapons home because they sign their hand-guns and assualt rifles in and out for their shifts.

futurobrillante99's picture

I see. It would be a shame to miss out on something special just because there is a risk you might lose it. Don't we all take that risk with every relationship? You never know when someone might check out.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

We have three rifles and two glocks in my household. Just as a disclaimer. We're gun friendly. We've taught the kids to respect them, they don't touch them, they're out fo their reach, but they know better so I doubt they'd even try. Only one not out of reach is my glock. I typically have it on my bedisde table at night and in my bag during the day. I have a conceiled permit and am a good shot. Regardless, we've never had an issue, only time I've ever had to discharge is for target practice. I firmly believe they're a tool for protection.


Onto your thing now though since you know my feelings there so you can take it with a grain of salt.  My DH was military when we started dating. He got deployed, he got shot, I had VERY mixed feelings. It was scary to have him out somewhere he could get hurt, even scarier when he did get hurt, he managed to  make a phone call after they stitched him up and sounded like s***. The man has ZERO sense of self-preservation.  But it's a job. Ultimately someone had to do it, and while it was scary, his job didn't make him the man. Plus I was looking at military at the time.

My DH currently is an EMT working towards paramedic. He's been held at gunpoint on the job (some people are forking insane). Scary yes, but I know he has instincts. Yes it's a bit unnerving some days, but I truly believe that regardless of where you are or what you're oding, there are crazy people everywhere, and if it's your time to go, you'll go, if i'ts not then you won't.

I know it's unnerving at some points. The danger, any possibility that your person may not come home is terrifying. But in reality, there's always that possibility, regardless of job, regardless of what's going on. Even the most careful person can fall victim to an accident. 

If that's your only hold back, I personally think you should go for it. Try out the dating, see what YOUR threshhold is. If you find you can handle it, then awesome, sounds like a good guy. If you can't, that's okay too. I'd just hate for you to miss an opportunity simply because of his job.

Letti.R's picture

Thank you very much for writing this.
It has made me feel so much better, even though I am sorry your DH got shot.
Thank you for sharing this with me because what you wrote makes a lot of sense.

I do not have a problem with guns in general.
Violence, yes.
I have a problem with violent criminals shooting at ordinary innocent people.
I grew up on  a farm and guns are part of the rural landscape, although not handguns
Responsible ownership is different to criminal use.

Looks like I will take the chance.


ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I just really think you deserve to be happy Letti. This seems like a good chance ot me Smile

hereiam's picture

Just depends on WHY you are not comfortable with his job. Dangerous, embarrassing, low paying?

Letti.R's picture

Possibly dangerous - even though training and re-training is extensive.

I earn enough so low paying is not a factor.
Embarrassing is relative.

I know it seems shallow to dislike someone's job, but getting shot at in the UK makes you think twice.

justmakingthebest's picture

I think knowing what that job is may help us help you....

If he is a garbage man, and that embaresses you- but he is union and makes great $, eh... let it go.

If he is a ambulance chasing lawyer--- well those guys are generally scum bags so I would hard pass on that even if he is a "lawyer".

I got married the 1st time right after I turned 19 (Totally had life all figured out!)- My ex is Air Force, so we were well taken care of and I learned a lot from that 10 year realationship. However, PTSD is a b!+ch and was the ultimate demise of our marriage. Due to the mental issues my ex was having at the time I married the next guy I dated- right after the ink was dry on my divorce papers. He was a painter (residental contractor), which in the contracting world, kind of the low of low, BUT he owned his own company and was succesful at it. He made good money and we had nice things. He was also and abusive SOB and we were done within 1 year. 

I stayed single for a while, dated a few. One kind of seriously, he was a welder. A good man. He was fresh out of his seperation and wound up going back to her "because of the kids". Which is great, I wish them the best. One less family to have to go through the trials and tribulations of step parenting. Then I got reconnected with DH- Navy. I thought, I can't go back to the military wife life. It is too hard. I was alone so much. ExH became so damaged... I don't have the strength to do this.... But then I did. I love that man more than anything. He is my person through and through. I almost stopped anything from happening between us because I was scared of his job and what that would mean for us. In the end, we will be fine. I don't regret it for a moment and just because bad stuff happened with ExH and the military doesn't mean that it will go down like that with DH. He is worth it 100X over. 

Letti.R's picture

Of course you had life figured out at 19.
We all did!!

I am very happy for you and your DH.
After all you went through, I am glad to learn you gave your DH a chance, despite his career.
Gives me hope.
Thank you.

GrabitAndGo's picture

If you really like the guy and enjoy his company, why not date for a bit and see if you become more comfortable with his job?  It gives you pause now, but that may abate with time.  

Letti.R's picture

Thank you for the good advice.

It is not serious dating as in we plan to get married tomorrow, but he is someone who has made me look twice, when so many of the people I met made me want to vomit!
I didn't know it was hard to find normal people.


Cover1W's picture

I think it's relative and up to the persons to decide if it'll work for them.  I don't think you will really know until a lot of time has gone by and you experience a full year of it IMHO.

My DH has a good job, but it's contract.  And I hate the not knowing who he'll be working with when his contract is up, what the pay will be or the benefits (he comes on/off mine on a regular basis due to qualifying events), or where it is.  He knows it stresses me out but he hasn't, for whatever reason he cannot explain, looked for a full time job in ages.  I think he likes the flexibility.

Aniki's picture

Letti, something to consider... As a police officer (or firefighter), he puts his life on the line every day he walks out the door to do the job. While it's a crazy/dangerous world out there for all of us, it is more so for him because he can also be a target for those with a grudge/vendetta against police. It's not an easy choice to make. {{hugs}}

shamds's picture

my dad reckons they’re very controlling and regimented and seek women in a traditional role so what they say goes but my ex coworkers who are police officers are actually easy going and funny as well... 

how has he been around you behaviourally?

yes danger is a part of their job and ridiculous hours and maybe being on call etc depending on their position so you need to accept that. One of my cousins who is an engineer has been in a long term relationship with her police officer partner i think its 6-7 yrs now.. he might be a traffic cop from memory but nothing negative and they are in a blended relationship with her 2 adults and his 3 kids  of which the eldest is same age as my cousins daughter so they get along fine...

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I live in the US and my DH retired after a long career in law enforcement. 

It's certainly a job that causes ripples in your private life, and the hours can be challenging. We always took care to live far away from the area he worked, and we're careful about our personal safety. Our cars have confidential registration, meaning the license numbers aren't connected to our home address but instead to the address of his agency headquarters. My DH has been shot, but overall I can count on one hand the number of times I was truly frightened or worried for him. He was doing what he loved, every day.

 I think the important question is why did your fellow choose this type of job? Just as a there's a lot of crazy people with psych degrees, a lot of damaged people gravitate towards police work. Dig deep with many cops, and you'll find those who had difficult childhoods or problematic families; some who struggle with a need for control; former soldiers scarred by war; nerds desperate for respect. The majority of cops are hard-working, decent, honorable people who want to help society, but the work can take a toll. It's common for experienced cops to seem callous and unemotional, because the work requires them to keep their feelings in check. For some, it becomes difficult to switch back "on" to normal. 

Find out as much as you can about his background and personal relationships. Is he outgoing with a healthy social life? Does he have friends from all walks of life? Vet him and his family as a whole. Could be, he's a great catch.


wildstang's picture

Law enforcement tends to be:


Very high statistic divorce rate

High domestic Violence

High rates of infidelity

High rates of mental illness and suicide rates.

My mother was a cop.  She did not want me to date cops.

Chmmy's picture

My dad didnt want me to date cops nor did he want my brothers in the field. I dated 2 cops. Both assholes but I dated a lot of assholes too that werent cops

24 years as a SM's picture

Anyone could die at anytime, let yourself be happy. 

My son was a police officer in the shittiest area of L. A. for 5 years. This area was a damn war zone, Compton, Watts is very heavy with gangs. There was not a day that went by that there wasn't someone shot, mostly gang bangers, or someone in the gang bangers family. It's not the guns or the gangs that are the biggest danger to a police office, it's rolling up on a domestic violence call . My son was attack 3 times by women that he was arresting the husband for beating the crap out of the wife or the kids. The wife would go crazy and attack my son, both the parents would be arrested and the kids would be turned over to CPS.

I always worried about my son, but never thought that he would be killed in the line of duty, maybe injured, but not killed. After 5 years, he moved to a different police department in a small town to get away from all the gangs. He worked for small town PD for 2 years, while he was off duty, driving home from work, a drunk driver T-boned his driver door, this was 14 years ago and my son is still recover from his injuries. The report from the accident said 80 mph impact, victim was found 60 feet away from the vehicle, victim shows signed of seatbelt injury along with many other injuries. After many surgeries to his spine and other parts of his body, my son walked for the first time 5 years ago. 

Sorry for the long story, you need to enjoy the time you can possibly have with this man, if you think he is the one for you.

Myss.Tique D'Off's picture

Hi Letti. Logged in especially, to post this comment.

First off, I am so happy for you that you have stuck your toe in the dating pool. LOL at the pick up lines. Gross. You deserve to be happy after your nightmare with your SD. What a bonus that he has no rug-rats. Here I have to agree with Chmmy, even though I have a bio kid myself. Difference is my son is not an out of control monster! Letti, you are young enough to find someone without kids - stick to that for now.

I  dated an AFO a few years ago and I was quite hesitant to get involved with him at first for similar reasons. However, he turned out to be a really great guy. Worries that he may be abusive, controlling or psychologically unstable as mentioned here? Could be... But the AFOs are thoroughly psychologically screened and he wouldn't be on rotation if he was. They aren't "standard" cops. I am not saying your fellow is NOT nuts, but he probably is psychologically sound.They are retested regularly.  I would agree with someone else who said there may be PTSD issues, but even I have those and I am not a cop.

Unfortunately my AFO and I  were not suited to each other in the long term - the problem was me, not him -  but we are still very good friends. I loved his gallows humour... Worst thing about him was he could be Mr Grumpy Pants at times. I think it had more to do with him missing the Highlands, rather than being a cop.    

Trust your gut on how you feel. Also, give it a while by spending time with him. You will know in the long run as to if you are suited to one another irrespective of his job.