gskids birthday party
Well, well, guess who finally got an invite to sks's birthday party...DH. It's been 6 years and DH hasn't been invited to one party. They have a party every year, invite EVERYONE else, all the other gparents and relatives but never DH. DH calls me tonight all excited because he's going to the party. DH and I are living apart at the moment because I have to deal with some family issues. So I guess if I'm not around DH will get invited to things. I deviated from disengaging and made an observation about it. DH immediatly yells at me not to make this a federal case.
I'm an unwittingly villian with DH's kids. My position is hated, they won't even invite him places if I'm around yet ss26, sdil and gskids and I get along when they come over. It's just that I'm not allowed to be in their house or at a party because that is BM's territory. Are we cats? Should I start marking things?
I get the skids, they're just doing their skiddle thing but DH is so clueless and won't or doesn't want to see the manipulation and if I dare point it out I'm the drama queen. Back to shutting my mouth.
I know, isn't it interesting
I know, isn't it interesting they invite DH when they must know that you are not around. My adult skids do the same thing.
If I were you, I would not take the backlash from my DH. He should not be yelling at you for stating the obvious. Of course, DH's don't want to hear that their little adult angels could do any wrong.
Marking things....that's a good one.
good luck with everything.
DH must be feeling slightly
Thanks for the validation. I've been at this game for many years now but everytime DH gaslights me I do wonder if I'm being a b*tch. DH must be feeling slightly guilty because he called me the second I was supposed to be off work. I let it go to voicemail and probably won't return his call until late tonight. I'm just so over it, and by it I mean everything. Pleasing anyone, marriage, skids, drama... I'd just like some peace.
The skids know that you and
The skids know that you and your DH are living apart. They likely have been told it's due to family issues on your side. But they are reading fiction between the lines....hoping it is something other than your family, and they will soon have daddy back to 100% theirs.
My skids are in their 40's and it almost seems as their lives revolve around what their father and I are doing, if we are getting along or not. I have noticed that when we are happiest, they are distant. When they think there is some type of discord, they are ready to save their father from the EVVVVVVIIIIIILLLE SM.
When you point these types of things to your DH, you are messing with what is most important to him....his own comfort. He likely has already noticed that he never got an invitation to the bday party until you and he were living apart. He does not know how to answer that.
I say absolutely nothing to my DH about his kids. He brings them up other times, but if it's a stressful situation already, he doesn't want to talk about it.
I completely understand wanting peace. I am working on that myself. And I have found the best thing to do is act like they don't exist unless he brings them up.
Your comment is very
Your comment is very enlightening. Yes they are trying to make our current living arrangement about more than me needing to deal with a few things. It's easier for us to live apart temporarily than it is for me to constantly travel. DH said they were asking, "Is everything okay dad?" DH would tell them yes and the basics of the situation and they kept fishing, "Are you sure?" "Are you two having problems?"
Nope, he never got an invitation to their house for dinner or a birthday party until just recently. We have had a very happy marriage and skids who both live close have been distant. DH saw his gskids approx 2x a year, since we are living apart he's seen them more in the last few months than he ever has.
DH calls last night and we do our usual talk then I ask him how was the party. Apparently DH skipped it saying he was too sick to go. He was at work all day yesterday, skipped the party, then got up and went to work today. WTF??? After 6 years he FINALLY gets an invite then he ditches out. Immediately I feel guilty because he probably thought about what I said and either realized it was true or thought I would be mad. Honestly I could care less if he went and if BM was there, no problem. What was interesting to me was why now?
Kicking myself for saying anything. Lesson learned.
These skids are fishing
These skids are fishing experts! They attempt to read between the lines with everything. DH and I don't like long road trips like we used to. If we need to take a car somewhere long distance, one of us will fly with the other one driving, and then we reverse it on the way back. It keeps someone in the house longer with our pets, and limits our backs and butts hurting. But his kids think it's because we are having problems and don't want to ride together in the car for a long distance!
If we cancel a trip, for the normal reasons a person cancels a trip, it suddenly is because we are fighting. We cancelled a trip in December because I got a paid gig at the last minute that was more important. Oh, the questions. When they realize that things are actually ok with us, they then punish their father by not speaking to him! Because THEY got their hopes up!
They can keep hoping; we are having a great time spending the inheritance they think is theirs.
I think your DH didn't go to the party because he didn't want to hear all the questions and see the drama. He knew he was going to be uncomfortable, and men don't like their discomfort. My DH rarely talks to his kids now. Maybe once a month.
I'm sure he didn't go to the
I'm sure he didn't go to the party after my statements and hinting that BM would be there. It surely would have been a big spectacle of DH not being there with his wife even though I wasn't invited. The pics of BM, DH and their grands would have been all over social media. Yes, he would have been a bit uncomfortable. He really is all about his own comfort and does not love change or confrontation.
They must be giddy thinking we are having problems and separated and divorcing. Too bad they can't focus on their own lives instead of trying to break ours up.
I think that marking your
I think that marking your territory is exactly what you should do. DH is your territory. Be at his side, radiant, beaming how happy you both are, and make it crystal clear that you and DH are happily married and they are have zero presence in or influence over your lives together.
I have always been baffled by the number of Sparents who wilt over the toxicity of their SOs failed family and abdicate their position in their marriage ... even once, much less year, after year, after year. An invitation includes the parents spouse whether that spouse is specifically listed on the invitation or not. PERIOD! If the XW/BM or XH/BioDad is going to be there it is critical that the new spouse be notably present, confident, and clearly the equal and priority for their spouse. That includes making it clear that the new spouse takes notable priority and is clearly superior to an X, children, Gkids, etc..... This position of unassailable superiority should only grow stronger as time goes on and the marriage seasons, grows, and the partners gel in their lives together.
Anyone who makes the poor choice to assail either partner or their marriage needs to go down in flames in as humiliating public manner as is possible.
That is not to say that if the X, the spawn, and the Gkids are reasonable that they are not dealt with reasonably. The level of pleasant interface or the amount of discomfort and humiliation they experience is entirely their choice.
If the failed family minions exclude their parent because they are petty shitty people, the couple needs to deliver a clear message that they don't give a shit. Posting pics of an awesome vacation while the failed family minions are gathering, blatantly broadcasting the incredible gourmet meal they had during the party they really didn't care about attending, etc, etc, etc... Make it clear that excluding the two of you is there loss.
Living well really is the best revenge. So... live well and out loud... together... and just as importantly, rub it in their faces.
All IMHO of course.
Have fun!