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Breaking point...

pickles45's picture

OK ladies is this good enought of all of you to see I have reached my breaking point? This is the leter I wrote and gave to my SO just now....

I am so sorry that me trying to give you a compliment and brag about you on FB has turned to this! My post would have made most men happy. You are using it as an excuse to make things bad between us!!!

I will be blunt – I am SICK OF YOU GIVING ME SHIT ABOUT THINGS!! Saying snarky things, getting upset about every little thing, holding things over my head etc. You can play dumb with me if you want but you and I both know that when I read my FB post you got annoyed. Why? I have no idea, but please do not insult me by turning this around on me or acting like you don’t know what you were thinking!!! I have done nothing wrong but, yet again, you have gotten upset with me, brought me to tears and then just ignored me!!!!! I think tonight has to be the defining moment for me. For us. For our relationship.

I was happy with what you did, proud to have you as my boyfriend. I have always been impressed with things you do. That is why I posted what I did. But you got upset by it!!! You have been just plain ugly towards me lately about the smallest things!! And I don’t deserve it!!!

On top of that I feel like you don’t trust me. I have never given you any reason not to but I can’t control how your mind works. You say so much shit when I even try to go anywhere on my own. Its either you get mad that I’m not home before you get home, you get upset that I stay longer then I think I will be gone, or you say snarky things like when I say I’ll be home at 3/3:30 and you say “OK I’ll see you at 5”. Or tonight it was like you were questioning my every move. Wow I went to McDonalds the other day before tanning! You then question why I was running late to get Olivia.

You come and go as you please and I NEVER give you shit!!! You couldn’t even text me after church to tell me you weren’t coming straight home! I finally had to call you at 1pm to see where you were only to find out after that you had lunch, gotten a haircut and an oil change!

I think none of this matters. What does is that I obviously don’t make you happy anymore. You have threatened to end our relationship SOOO many times. Maybe you are just pushing me to end things first. Hoping I will do so first so you don’t look like the bad guy. If you don’t love me, want a future with me, just say so!!!! I would rather be on my own then be with a man who is constantly finding fault with me!

I am so sick of how cold you have been towards me. It’s not even just when ***  is here anymore. It’s on and off all the time now. Of course it’s worse when she is here though. You treat me like a roommate not a girlfriend when she is here. How many times have you kissed me this weekend? Touched me. Hell even smiled at me?

You’re welcome that I care for *** enough to push my own feelings down and put on a happy face for her as best as I could tonight. But obviously you think you can find someone better. I wonder if she wasn’t here how ugly things would have gotten tonight? Because you have been so cold and mean lately. Maybe this is all my fault because I have tried to let so many things roll of my back but tonight was my breaking point! I feel like nothing I do anymore is good enough. That I don’t make you happy. That every little thing makes you mad.

I am a good person! I am loving, faithful, intelligent, sweet, funny, giving, but none of that is enough for you. I will tell you *** – I am also strong and able to survive on my own. I am with you because I  love you.  But the last few months have been so up and down and I have no idea why. I can’t keep loving someone who doesn’t love me back. I think you regret moving in with me. I think you want to make things so ugly between us that you have an excuse for ending things. I also think you care more about what other people think of you then you do about me and my feelings!

Comments

theoldredhen's picture

Great letter, Pickles.

You've made your feelings plain and let DH know that you will no longer accept his negative attitude. The ball is in his court and he has no choice but to respond.

Hon, I left a man much like your husband; he was a morose grump who loved to criticize. I refused to live the rest of my life walking on eggshells to avoid the silent treatment, among other miseries, and have been married to the love of my life for the last 33 years.

Is the eggshell walk the way that you want to spend the next three decades? Please, do whatever it takes to make you happy!

ndc's picture

I think you laid things out nicely.  What are you trying to accomplish?  What do you hope will be the result of your SO reading that letter?

pickles45's picture

I needed to let him know all of the things I have been holding in and in return I was hoping to get to the root of his behaviour the last 9 or so months. I think we did get to the heart of it last night. Now I wait and see if we can get back on track and be as happy as we were the first 3 years of our relationship. There's a saying about the sins of the father but I swear the sins of the ex is what makes life hell for so many of us on here!!

Step-girlfriend's picture

I’m glad you wrote that. It’s a step in the right direction to taking control of the situation. All that you described are terrible feelings. Life is too short to be trying so hard to please someone who doesn’t return your effort. I know you love him and I know how hard it is to walk away. But At some point it’s almost harder to stay if this is what your future holds. Good job standing up for yourself! Don’t put up with less than you deserve!

pickles45's picture

As you can see from my repsonse below he has some major trust/jealousy issues. Its so hard to explain why the post pissed him off. Basically I posted pics of our laundry room he just did for me. He built a gorgeous countertop and shelves. I said "Men who can build things are sexy!" He instantly read into that as I was referrring to my friends husband who builds a lot of things and who he has had a major issue with for months now. It is very immature!!!

Step-girlfriend's picture

This is crazy! How on earth would you have been talking about your friend's husband, when you posted a picture of something HE built?? This is not normal behavior, especially at his age. Even if he had issues with BM, that doesn't explain or excuse this kind of irrational, jealous behavior. We all have insecurities, but you don't just always get to act on them and expect your SO to deal with it. He is 100% wrong here. I honestly don't know how you put up with this.   

justmakingthebest's picture

Just please remember that if he says that he is going to do better, take that with a grain of salt.

Actions speak louder than words and he is going to have to SHOW you, not tell you... I hope that the letter was received with an open mind on his part...

pickles45's picture

Thank you! So far so good. He and I talked a lot last night and this morning. But only time will tell if it sunk in. Part of what came up was he really is holding onto things delaing with his ex. He HATES to talk about his past, especially her, but for what little he did say it is obvious he had major trust issues with her. Im not sure if she cheated. If she did he would never tell me. If she didnt actually cheat there was a man that I think she wanted to be with. I did tell him I cant be his emotional punching bag, that I cant pay the price for her sins, that I can not, and will not, continue to be "punished" for something that happened last June (he got jealous of me talking to one of our male friends at a party we had.) 

Want2's picture

“OK ladies is this good enought of all of you to see I have reached my breaking point?”

Why do you need others to approve of your breaking point? Are you hoping someone will tell you no, you haven’t reached it yet, get back to groveling?

 I get the impression you’re deathly afraid of actually reaching your breaking point, which you should have reached a long time ago. Your letter is a list of things you have accepted in order to not reach it.

There is a psychological test called the Firo-B which is used to measure the level of mental conflict someone has. For instance, you might desire to be included in social gatherings but reject attempts others make to include you. When you have a lot of stress from this kind of internal conflict, you can be miserable indeed.

 I think you would benefit immensely from figuring out what your own issues are and working on them rather than spending time trying to change this man and obsessing over a litany of complaints that others applaud as a step in the right direction which it’s not.

pickles45's picture

I dont need their approval. Many pointed out to me on my other blogs how I needed to speak my mind which I did finally. Some women on here are very nice and supportive. Others like you are just agrressively nasty. And my only issue is I tried to love a man unconditionally (while dealing with this whole step thing) but who has decided to become controlling and jealous. These issues were not in our relationship the first 3 years or I would have left sooner. Im not trying to change him. I am trying to get him back to the way he was or figure out why he is this way now. Anyways - please dont feel the need to respond back. I wish people would stay off of other peoples blogs if they dont have nice things to say! 

Step-girlfriend's picture

I have asked her repeatedly to not comment on my blogs, but apparently she can't resist the need to put others down so continues to comment anyway. I now just delete what she writes. I don't care what she has to say, it doesn't affect me and she twists what you say and turns it into something else just to be nasty. Mostly I feel bad for someone who feeds on putting others down and is so awful inside. Being an internet troll is the worst possible existence, right next to scammers, IMO.

 

Siemprematahari's picture

Pickles darling I don't have much to add but that life is short and it's precious so do what makes you happy. You are doing your best to fix and/or find a solution but if he's not making the effort you have to really reconsider this relationship.

Wishing you all the best!!!

LimeJello's picture

jealousy - red flag

tracking your movements but not making the same rules apply to him - red flag

making you feel excluded and demoted to a roommate when SD is there - red flag

mood swings - red flag

criticism, punishing behavior, coldness - red flag

 

what does this man do for you that makes you happy? Make a list. Think about whether he does these things for YOU without expectation or if he seems to do it to make you feel obliged to love him. Make a list of the concrete ways you feel excluded. Make a list of the things you’d miss if he and SD were gone, and a list of the things you’d feel relieved about getting out of your life. Ask him to name some qualities of yours that he likes - then think about how many of these qualities are directly to his benefit and your detriment. 

It doesn’t sound like he is behaving “innapropriately,” with her, per se. But if he cannot touch YOU in her presence, but is insanely jealous about your actions towards other men, it is very worrisome to me. If other platonic relationships are a threat to him, why are his platonic relationships not allowed to bother you when you feel that you’ve been robbed of your place as his partner?  There’s no reason that a 14 year old can’t see her dad sit next to, touch, smile at, or talk to his life partner. He’s confused about something and gets angry when you point it out. Red flag - Not empathetic to your feelings. And I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt that you are in fact empathetic to his, otherwise you wouldn’t have said many of the things to have. 

Red flags all around. Sort this out with a counselor, by yourself, make your lists and evaluate. I know it hurts so much to “give up” on someone - but he doesn’t seem to be on your team, and you can’t save the relationship alone. It’s so much better being alone then feeling like your home has been invaded and that your partner and best friend isn’t on your side. I’m not a fan of the idea of trying to disengage and distance yourself when you’re not even very invested in this person - you have no kids together. I don’t like the sound of his character, and that’s not something that marriage, a baby, or having SD disappear will fix. and i don’t know if other problems will come up long-term that might make it harder for you to leave. I’d cut my losses now and start over with someone who cherishes you. 

pickles45's picture

Well we will never have children together and I have no desire to get married. Maybe never but definitly not for a a few years so I have time to work on us (assuming he puts in work too). I held in so much for so long and that may be part of the problem. All I know is that going foward the SECOND he pulls this jealousy crap, has an issue with what, when and where I am going or treats me coldy on the days his daughter is here I will not be keeping things in, putting on a Happy Face and acting like everything is ok. I had a long talk today with my girlfriend and she and I both agree that goiong full on bithc and gettign in his face may just be what he needs!

thinkthrice's picture

because it reinforces all the mistakes they made and usually they don't want to hear it.   It's taken almost 15 years for the endless "When I was married to the Girhippo we did thus and so..." boooooooorrrriiiiinnng stories.  Chef used to get mad about me doing anything with social media about him even in a positive light.    You may end up disengaging from HIM.