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Ravenpoe88's picture

Im overwhelmed and just so angry right now! Apparently i screwed up by falling for my bf right after getting divorced from my mentally abusive ex. I thought i was fine but now im seething and my emotions are everywhere.  I guess i never took the time to process the crap i went through the mistakes i made the mistakes my ex made and how it effected me on a deeper level. Im realizing that im way more damaged then i thought. I am lost ... emotionally screwed up and cant figure out how to come out of the spiral of chaos i seem caught in. Im at my breaking point and just cant wake up.


Starla's picture

Ditch the guy and focus on getting yourself some help. It takes time to overcome past abuse and to become a strong/healthy individual again. Just my two cents and stay strong.

Ravenpoe88's picture

Bf isnt the problem.  Im not ditching him. Healing comes in all forms. My ex and his crap is the problem.  Due to split custody i have to deal with him almost daily. Im just venting here

Monkeysee's picture

When you say you made a mistake by getting involved with your BF right after your divorce, it’s a natural thing to suggest you take some time for yourself, away from your relationship. 

I was actually going to say the same thing.. It’s far easier to focus on yourself when you don’t have to prioritize anyone else. But you’re not willing to do that, which I understand, though it will slow you down.

At the very minimum, if you haven’t moved in with BF yet, I’d recommend keeping your own place as long as you can. Don’t rush into something when you’re still processing the past. I’d also highly recommend talking to someone about what you’ve gone through & help you process everything.

Find a way to create boundaries with your ex. Communicate only when absolutely necessary, and only via text or email. You can look into an app like My family Wizard as well, which documents everything & can be used in court. What is your custody schedule? And why is daily contact necessary? Take care of yourself.

Ravenpoe88's picture

I said that bc thats what everyone keeps telling me. That i moved too fast and that its a mistake to move that quickly. Already moved in. Fact is that i love him and everyone thinks im crazy for falling quick and hard. Its one of my flaws ... i fall quick and deeply. 

Monkeysee's picture

I hear you, I do too. Just make sure you’re prioritizing yourself, and find ways to create boundaries with the ex. Daily communication seems a bit much & isn’t giving you the space from him you need to move on. The drama between my DH & his ex reduced dramatically when he started enforcing boundaries with her. Take care of YOU!

futurobrillante99's picture

As someone who also fell hard and too fast for a new person while still separated (we had a separation agreement, so all we were doing was waiting for the year to pass), if you can't trust your emotions and the fallout from your former marriage, you also cannot trust the love you feel for your boyfriend.

I should have taken time to be alone, but my BF, then husband was SO much the opposite of my first husband, it was like water to a woman dying of thirst. And I got burned. I was blinded to who he really was.

And I was emotionally erratic - I blamed this on perimenopause, but it was actually my BF, now XH2 doing some crazy-making things to keep me from being secure in our relationship.

So, you have two choices. Let your erratic and unstable emotions damage your current relationship OR go get some help and get some space for yourself so you can process what is likely the most painful experience most people experience in their lifetime - a divorce. Not to mention healing from the abuse.

If your new partner is a great guy and you really love him, go get some help instead of taking him on this roller coaster ride. Staying with him because you love him and NEED his love is actually pretty selfish.

People often think in terms of what they need, and that's good, but you also need to make sure YOU are ready to be a good partner to a new person. Many people should stay single instead of taking the new person on their healing journey and all the crap that goes with it.

Starla's picture

Perhaps I don't have the answers, I'm glad that you're here and by all means.. vent away! Yes 3 Some people here are great with advice if we aren't just listening.

Ravenpoe88's picture

I sure hope so. Thank you

StressedMama's picture

Oof, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I was on the other side where my DF was talking to an abusive ex daily and it was driving both of us mad. DF moved in quickly and that certainly brought some backlash, but as we were confident in our relationship, we paid no heed to what others said on the matter. What works for us works for us, and we neither need others to understand or explain ourselves to them. So firstly I’d recommend letting people’s opinion of your relationship tarnish what you have. Second, kudos to your partner for sticking around with all the drama. Hopefully your BF is supportive of you, listens to you, but doesn’t get too involved. I found myself getting wrapped up in my DF/his ex’s craziness and when I finally realized how contagious her crazy was, I was able to step back, preserve my own sanity, and therefore be in a mich better place to support my partner. What I recommended to disengage. It was reflex to respond and argue as they always had, but by essentially ignoring everything that wasn’t pertinent to their daughter (and even being selective about topics relating to her, not everything is relevant), she slowly lost her power to control his emotions. She still pushes buttons sometimes, and DH and I aren’t immune to letting it get to us, but it’s gotten much better. The other thing that has helped is eliminating parent to parent transitions. The kid is dropped at school by one parent and picked up by the other. Minimizing contact (and time their child has with them together) has been a life saver. Without knowing your situation, I’m not sure what applies to you. Regardless, talking to a friend or therapist, making sure you are eating/sleeping/hydrating as well as you can, and finding any relaxing time by yourself/with your partner/child where you’re really present and focused (put that phone away for an hour!), can be a real lifesaver.