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My Confession

morrginme's picture

This is very embarassing. I hope I'm not the only one. I have to admit that I did the paperwork and guided DH in getting custody of SD. I did the research, navigated the court system, figured out how to get papers served on a parent with no address, ordered copies of past court orders, etc. He just had to be the one at the courthouse. He did do quite a bit of work and got help from family court assistance, although he wouldn't have known that resource existed and where it was if I didn't tell him. 

Now I'm on here all the time ranting about step hell when in a way I kind of asked for it. Our family would still be chaotic either way probably with the weekends every two weeks schedule. I just thought it would be easier if we had her all the time. I shouldn't have tried to fix things that I didn't break and wasn't my responsibility to fix.


Iamwoman's picture

I think most of us have been there to one degree or another.

I urged my DH to go for full custody several years ago because HCBM has Munchaussen by Proxy and is extremely neglectful (kids had to make their own dinner, she didn’t care if they skipped school, animal feces left to rot in the house and in their laundry, laundry not done - just febreeze, the smell of which now makes me physically nauseous, urine on the carpet). Our house was like Leave it to Beaver by a long shot in comparison. 

We only lasted 8 months with skids full time. They were so heavily alienated that simple things became massive battles, and relaxing on rules only made their behavior worse. They were on a HCBM endorsed mission to sabotage our home and sanity, and they almost succeeded.

Totally not fair to DD, whose own childhood and safe haven were turned into a hellhole by skids. We gave them back to HCBM and set up an EOW visitation schedule for ourselves. It took us a full year to even begin to calm down from his it skid-induced PTSD.

Now, DD is all A’s dual enrollment, athlete, and perfect score-earning on state exams, college bound student - while skids were failing but scraped by last semester with mostly D’s.

Bottom line we learned is that you just can’t fight alienation. Brainwashing is so fundamental that skids probably won’t ever be in synch with reality. 

We weren’t willing to sacrifice our own lives on a losing bet. DH and I have a lot to give back to the world, but killing ourselves for two selfish, unproductive slugs who wouldn’t have done well anyway or accomplished half of what we have been able to under the extreme duress we have endured is counterproductive.

They can be handed a bare bones high school diploma like every other American kid and then serve in the military. There’s no shame in service.

tog redux's picture

I helped DH a lot in court and at one point, SS said he wanted to live with us. He ended up PASing out shortly after that, and I'm grateful he didn't come to live with us. He was beyond hope at that point, and now he really is.

These mothers will destroy their kids and anything else they need to destroy to get what they want. It's not worth it, but many a well-intentioned stepmother has gone there.

StepUltimate's picture

You did the best you could with all the info available at the time. I can relate to that; hindsight can certainly be instructive but it's not necessary to kick yourself. Trust me, I did the saaaame thing. Hence my membership in the StepTalk club. Biggrin

LostHopeRN's picture

Don’t be so hard on yourself. Either way, there would still be problems, just different ones. The only way to not have problems in a stepfamily, regardless of the living situation, is to not be in a stepfamily. 

blayze's picture

You did it because you’re loving. Nothing to be embarrassed about at all. It just makes you wonder though... why weren’t our men capable of handling this stuff for their own children? Why did we feel the need to step in and help? And what else is he incapable of... and how much will his inability in other areas affect your relationship? 

morrginme's picture

He's shown he can't step up in many areas. I've been digging in my heels lately on the little things the last year and it's slowly changing. I ignore him if he yells for me. If he wants to talk to me he can come to me and it's not my problem if he can't immediately find me. He can turn on/off different things on his own. He can go to the store on his own to get a soda. And he can drive his own child to and from where ever. I've done too much for him since the beginning and now working on changing that.

justmakingthebest's picture

I have a feeling that I am going to regret any visitation time that we get with SS at this point. I think he is probably too far gone. I know that my DH couldn't have done the things he as without me thus far. We do the best we can with what we know in the moment. 

You supported your husband. You wanted what you guys felt was best for a child and you worked to provide that. There is nothing to feel guilty about when the reality hits and it isn't what you were hoping. 

morrginme's picture

I also thought once he got custody (she had already lived with us 100% of the time the last two years) that he would no longer be afraid to parent her because she couldn't threaten to go live with BM. I was wrong. Nothing changed. I had expectations in my own head that others didn't have.