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SS saw BM

BSgoinon's picture

So, the holidays came and went and SS didn't see BM. She asked him daily but he blew her off or just wouldn't respond every time she brought it up. He spent a lot of time with her dad and stepmom over his school break, and BM is now living about 5 minutes from them ( she was kicked out of the last  RV park she was staying at and had to relocate). At one point SS was going with his grandparents to see his cousin in another town and BM found out and kinda flipped her lid that she wasn't invited. She left a very paranoid and disturbing message in SS's voicemail. SS had no idea what she was talking about. 

Anyway, he was up at his grandparents last week and BM called her dad frantic begging him to come and get her (she had no gas in the truck of his that she uses to tow the trailer she lives in). Her dad told her NO, that they were busy (didn't mention SS was there) and that she would have to wait. The next day SS wanted to stay another night so they ended up telling him that BM was again being kicked out of a trailer park and they needed to go get her. They offered to bring him home so he didn't have to see her, but he said it was OK that he would see her. They each said "hey" and didn't speak to each other. She stayed out in her trailer in their front yard. And he stayed in the room they have there for him. He is their only grandchild. THe next day, she asked SS to go for a walk with her so they could talk. SS was so brutally honest with her. I think she expected him to be all "I miss you mommy blah blah blah" and he was more like "youlook horrible and don't lie to me about being sober because we both know you aren't. At one point she told him she was thinking about moving to Oregon. She has a (junkie) friend there. And he told her to "fucking go". I've never heard this child even close to curse. And the fact that he did, didn't even anger me. It just shows how done he is with her. 

When SS was telling me all of this when he got home he was so matter of fact about it. Then he told me that she stopped being his mom a very long time ago and that he loves me. He's so sweet. Since then, he has been calling me mom. After 14 years.... he started calling me mom. 

The next day, BM's stepmom called me. She told me that BM and her dad got in a fight after SS left. What was supposed to be a semi-permanent stay turned in to 1 night. She is now staying in her trailer, parked on the street in the town that is a little closer to us, where she was kicked out of the first RV park. Apparently she told her dad that she can't keep a job because all the guys hit on her where ever she works and all the girls are jealous. WOW. Talk about delusional. Her dad told her that the drugs have fried her brain because she can't possibly think that is true, she looks TERRIBLE. Her dad is finally snapping out of denial and her son is not putting up with her crap either. So... she's living on the street, no money, no job, no boyfriend (today anyway) no gas in her truck. Only food stamps that she gets illegally. 

Comments

hereiam's picture

Well, we knew it was heading to this point. So heartbreaking that SS has to deal with this.

My niece has to deal with the fact that both of her parents are alcoholics and that their addiction is more important to them than their own daughter. It's heartbreaking because even though she knows she always has a home with DH and me, she wants her mother (my sister) to be a MOM. To want to be a mom, to choose her over the booze. It just pisses me off so bad. My niece is angry and sad.

Your SS is so lucky. He has a dad that is there for him, and he has you.

CantComplain's picture

[raises hand] Child, grandchild, great-grandchild, niece, and cousin of alcoholics here.

I know you aren't asking for advice, so please feel free to stop reading here if I'm out of line. :-) 

There is a lot of addiction in my family. We all learn early about how to protect ourselves from addicts, but that learning doesn't prevent the emotional scars the disease leaves on the sober. 

What I want to say is that with time (and in my case, distance), those scars can fade dramatically. You start to feel the pain of the abandonment, betrayal, guilt, and hopelessness less and less as the years go by. It's not a life sentence. With your (the royal you) support, those skids have a really good chance of growing into healthy, well-adjusted people despite their parents. 

futurobrillante99's picture

Tragic, but not unexpected. Hoping she finds a reason to straighten out before it’s too late.

Myss.Tique D'Off's picture

Thank you for all that you do and for the way you care for your SS. He is a very fortunate boy to have someone like you in his life - your DH too.

I am sorry to hear about BM, but this is the way just about everyone would predict things would go because she refused to clean up her act. BM is well on her way to alienating everyone who ever cared about her through her own actions... I don't mean to be rude, but she is quite delusional to think people are jealous or hitting on her. I remember the photos you posted once before and to me, over time,  she went from being a young and attractive woman to looking like an old ugly drag queen with a bad blonde dye job trying to impersonate a Native American... (Ok, it was only my impression, but most people aren't blind or stupid to what she must look like now.)

It must be hard for your SS to see his mother and know - in his heart - the truth of who she actually is. My heart hurts for him.

justmakingthebest's picture

You are his MOM. You have been the one there for him all this time. He loves you, he trusts you, he knows you are his safety. She was an incubator for him, that is ok. She served her purpose but I feel like he was always meant to be your son. Blood doesn't create family, love does. You are a wonderful mother. 

theoldredhen's picture

Hey, justmakingthebest,

You would know about going that extra mile for a SS since you’ve done the same. If there is any justice in the world, you and hereiam have some seriously good karma waiting in the wings. Clapping

BSgoinon's picture

Coming from you, this means so much. 

He is my son, and when I was talking to him the other night I told him that I didn't care what DNA says, or what anyone in the world says, he is my son, and I am his mom. I love him. And I couldn't have asked for a better son. She is apparently "missing" again according to her stepmom. She has no money, and there is no heat in the trailer she has. Temperatures drop to the 20's at night here. They haven't heard from her since she left and I guess drove to where I saw her a few days ago and she is gone. 

tog redux's picture

So sad for SS - but good for him for facing reality head on. Too many kids (looking at you, my SS19) cling to an idealized version of their dysfunctional mothers, to their own detriment.  He’s living in reality, facing his anger and sadness, and accepting love from you and DH. It’s really awesome, even if it’s painful.