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Feeling betrayed /rushed

Germie2's picture

UI recently posted about the incident BS 8 and SD 11 had, it brought some tension for a few days but eventually DH and I decided to let it go. Then MIL text me to say if things aren’t working out why don’t you consider going back to your country, I was surprised because she knows I lived in another(not mine) country where my YBS isn’t allowed till 5 years (because of some visa issues he had when we left).  DH and I have discussed divorce for a while now but we haven’t been able to do anything because I don’t yet have the right papers to enable me to work, we been waiting for that so I can be able to work, drive, divorce etc....in the meantime we try to keep peace and we get along well most of the time, we forget that we even plan divorce, we are intimate and still do things together. 

I showed DH the text and he wasn’t happy and told MIL to stop telling me such and to let things be and MIL said my papers are taking too long and there seems to be no progress since we talked about divorce and apologized for getting involved and then said she knows everything I say always has another side to it. To my surprise MIL took me for dinner then later drove to a place and said  this is for rent you can call the owner and make arrangements to move. It made me feel rushed and Betrayed. She knows I do not work, have two kids and no money . Ever since I’ve arrived she’s been nothing but nice to me, to my kids, she loves them, even has their pictures on walls , and does everything for them like a real grandma , when DH and I have issues and drama she’s always on my side, listening, comforting me. I see her like my own mother. 

Last night she text another apartment to rent, DH told her to stop rushing me but her excuse is she was trying to help me; to me it felt more like she’s indirectly telling me to leave, or I’m I just overthinking ?

fourbrats's picture

is tired of being put in the middle and listening to the drama and fights. She shouldn't have to choose sides. Her son and her grandchildren will still be there once you leave. On top of that you drag her into this by saying you are leaving but don't have a job or the means to leave so she is showing you your options. The back and forth would also be extremely annoying. If my DIL (who I adore) came to me and said she was leaving my son I would want her to have a plan and not be wishy washy about it. 

Germie2's picture

She’s never had to pick sides ,sorry what I meant by being on my side is listening to me, comforting me.I should have said BY my side instead 

fourbrats's picture

and listening to you then yes, you expect her to pick sides (your side). My point was that she may be sick of it. If you take your kids and leave she will likely never hear from you or them again so all of her time and effort has been wasted. Plus she doesn't need to listen to the drama. Why is it even being mentioned to her? Honestly I am pretty blunt so I would have already told you to put up or shut up and would have added that you needed to quit using my child as a paycheck simply because your paperwork isn't in order. 

Germie2's picture

I understand she’s probably tired of the drama, but she could just have told me .I never expect her to pick sides, I only ask for advice and I even mention to tell me if there’s anything I’m doing wrong so I can fix it, I mentioned it because I take her like my own mother, I have no family nor friends, they are far and no I do not use my DH as a pay check, I pay for my papers myself (my family sends me money from time to time because they know the situation), I buy groceries when I can, I don’t ask for clothing or anything from DH, when I can I buy and when I can’t I don’t, I raised my kids well enough to understand that they can’t have everything. 

hereiam's picture

How you and your husband are handling your situation and pending divorce is not her business. If she has advice for her son, she can give it to him and he can take it or not, but to go around showing you places to rent is uncalled for.

tog redux's picture

MIL needs to butt out. Tell her so and hang up on her. Dear god.  If DH wants you out, he can put on his big-boy pants and tell you that - he doesn't need his Mommy to help.

Aniki's picture

It's time to disengage from your stb-ex MIL. The decisions you and your stbxH make are none of her business. Stop going to dinner with her. Stop texting with her. And definitely stop confiding in her. Your stbxH is HER SON. It would be unusual for her to be on your side for anything - except to get you out of her son's life ASAP.

Want2's picture

I actually think your MIL has become an important person in your life at this time and I don’t see why you should have to stop being friends. You can tell her you aren’t ready to go apartment shopping yet and remain on friendly terms. Accept whatever help she offers that you want, I think it’s great.

And I’m impressed with how you and your husband are handling things.

Germie2's picture

I thought so too. She’s been very good to me and my kids, I even told her before that I’ll try my best to keep in touch even when I leave, they’ve been the grand parents my kids have never had. I finally told her I appreciate the help but I can’t afford to rent a place yet, I don’t know if she took it well or not. 

Monkeysee's picture

If you’ve been going to your MIL with your complaints about your marriage or life & told her you were going to be divorced from her son, you essentially invited her to have these opinions on your life & relationship. She may not be reacting how you expected her to, but you have no control over that.

I’d disengage from her as best you can & find a new support network when you need a shoulder to cry on. If she’s been as kind to you as you’ve said she is, I’m sure she didn’t do any of this with ill intent. It’s possible she either thought she was helping you or she may even be trying to protect her own heart at knowing you & your kids will eventually leave her.

While I do sympathize, your situation sounds very hard & I think you & your DH are handling it incredibly well (better than many would!), I do still think you need to take some responsibility in what’s happening at the moment.