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Talked with DH about SS17

oatsnhoney's picture

Can’t believe it but it went well! I said I don’t want to talk about this (no SS17 at our house) but we need to figure it out. He agreed. I said I’d like to get through this conversation in a calm manner. I explained my view on every issue, my safety, 5yo’s safety, what I’ve read about sibling trauma and how it can affect them, how SS14 needs a break, how I want SS17 to be happy and successful - how I don’t dislike him - it’s just that I need to keep 5yo safe. 

I explained how I don’t feel someone can learn to change how they treat others and control anger in 3 weeks. I said I can get snappy when mad and then shut down, you can get angry and defensive. Now, change yourself. See how hard that sounds? I just don’t see SS17 even trying to. Which means he can do that again (flip out yell and curse) at any moment. I told DH I also think it’s good for SS17 to have a real consequence for his actions for once. I think it’s good for him to learn before he turns 18.

so DH agreed with everything. He said he didn’t want me to take 5yo away for Xmas. I was considering flying to my sisters. He said SS17 just won’t be here. SS14 will come and I’ll just find time to go see SS17. The only issue is we are hosting all DHs extended family on Xmas Eve. DH said he would rather cancel it than do it without SS17. I said I think I might be ok with him coming at the same time everyone else does. But we usually exchange gifts with skids Eve morning. It’s like their Xmas with Dad, and that night they go to BMs for her Xmas with them. I’m really uneasy about this. I told him. He said how can I not do it? Maybe he comes an hour or two before everyone else? I said maybe but I feel nervous. That’s not ok. So we kind of left that part to solve later. I told him I’d have to talk to SS first. So we will see. I have to think on it, 

He told me a week ago he asked SS how he’s going to fix this. SS said “he said he was sorry”. And DH said not to oatsnhoney you didn’t. SS got exasperated and said loudly “I can’t think about that now!” I told DH that proves my point, he’s not interested in working on his behavior or trying to better himself or work the program. He is just self absorbed, not caring about it. DH agreed. 

DH also said BM told him she’s kicking him out at 18. I told DH he’s not coming here. DH said he knows.

I told DH I really feel bad for his position. He said he just wants to be happy. I also told him he should get more involved with the Dr. That how can I have any confidence DH knows how SS is doing if he’s only taking SS and BMs opinions. They are both F’d up. He agreed. 

So at least it’s settled for now. But I do feel we have to keep working on this to try help SS17 steer his ship to a healthier place. As much as I’d like to turn him off in my mind... I don’t want to feed a toxic situation and make him worse. That’s just dangerous to all of us and the world. I told DH we don’t want to just drop some sick person in a community. DH agreed with that too.

dh was so not defensive (unusual) that I almost feel me insisting on this has relieved him of the burden of figuring it out. I also know he doesn’t want 5yo exposed at all just like me. 

Its just so messed up this blended family idea. It’s like an invasion ones life. I bet many of you are like me and wish you had traditional family. You really have to push hard to build your own version of home and family life. And it keeps getting invaded. 


justmakingthebest's picture

At coming up on 18 and not many options for him, has your DH talked to SS17 about joining the military? There are so many career options, he will get structure, learn respect very quickly, always have housing and food.... It might be just what he needs. 4 years of commitment for a lifetime of skills and college can be paid for once he knows what he wants in life!

I realize some parents are nervous to send their kids to talk to recruiters, but my dad was Army. My ExH is Airforce and my DH is Navy. We are a military family through and through. We have always been taken care of and love our lives. Both my children and I have experienced so much that normal people do not get to do. It is a lifestyle but I good one for the most part.

elkclan's picture

From reading the previous post I'm not sure her SS is really military material. But yeah, he does need a plan. 

oatsnhoney's picture

He’s trans (maybe). Military is not an option for him. He wants to be an aerospace engineer. He’s got exceptional grades. Like top 10% in the country. He could do it. Filling out applications now. It’s his mental state that is hurting him and others. His parents worry about suicide attempts or ideation events if he’s far away at college. But the flip side is, he is in a conservative community, middle of nowhere, with a screamer BPD mom. Staying there is not healthy. There is a slim chance... freedom to be ‘him or herself’ at college will be liberating and remove the weight on his shoulders. But.. since he also puts no energy into mental health, it’s roll the dice and let’s see what happens.

Rags's picture

I was s kid that needed structure.  I had struggled with focus.  I ended up in Military School and I thrived.  My intention was to attend one of the service academies.  I started the application and appointment process and during that process I was Dx’d as a T-1 diabetic ending that dream.


Our son was far less focused than I was.  Ultimately we pretty  much lit a burning platform, made his life miserable and motivated him to enlist in the military.   

He has done well.  To get the job they wanted him in he had to enlist for 6yrs.  About 6mos before his 6yrs was up they offered him a 3yr Germany assignment if he would sign up for 4 more.  He has been in the USAF for 7.5yrs.  We are hopeful that he will make it a career and stay in for 20+.  

That is his current plan.

He thrives in the structured environment.


Survivingstephell's picture

SS needs to suffer all the consequences coming his way when he acts up.  When he is 18, that could mean a lot of things.  Things that might get him help.  I don't know what's available in your area but finding that out would be an important step for protecting your home.  I don't envy your holidays this year but having a plan to deal with the worst from SS might help you feel you have a semblance of control.  

New_to_this's picture

I'm really happy to hear that you sorted this out with DH. I can relate to some of your issues since I have a 14 year old SS with mental issues. He is also self-absorbed and both doesn't understand the consequences of his actions nor how his behavior affects other people. I think if you are seriously considering having him in your home opening presents without the company of DH's extended family, he needs to come to much more awareness of what he's done to the household and to his little brother. But anyway, I'm happy that this isn't looming over you as the holidays approach.

futurobrillante99's picture

Well done!! Can you make sure your husband understands that just because you took the lead on this discussion that doesn't mean this is all YOUR idea and he shouldn't say to anyone that "oatsnhoney said you can't come here." He is NOT to throw you under the bus. The only appropriate statements are, "I have decided to visit with you outside of the home for the time being" or "Oatsnhoney and I love you but really think it's best if we socialize outside the home until you're feeling better."


oatsnhoney's picture

Good idea but he won’t say that. When I talk to SS, - and I said he has to talk to me before that party - then I’ll explain my feelings of care and concern for him are unchanged. That I do really want him to feel happy and enjoy life. But my job is to make a safe home for my son and on that duty I can not and will not waiver. 

Im contemplating saying.. I know you grew up with yelling and outbursts happening in your home. So you’ve learned that. But you have to understand that I did not. Im a quiet and calm person. You know this. Yelling is not in my life at all nor 5yo’s. He’s not used to it, nor should he .. or you.. be used to it. It’s not just you, it’s anybody who is volatile.. even other family members of mine. I have 2 that also have mental health issues and even though I love them and enjoy their company.. because they are volatile and not always working to stay healthy, I don’t bring 5yo around them. It is my job to build a peaceful, joy filled home for him. Your ourburst was very scary for him and me. I want the happy you back, but until I know for sure.. you are working on your mental health, making progress. and aware of how your choices affect those around you.. things will need to stay like this. But my hope is you find your way and things get better.

yes no? Call out his toxic home with BM?



ESMOD's picture

My input would be about the XMAS eve morning ritual that your DH has with his boys.  Maybe you and your 5 yo could go and have a special breakfast that morning.. I mean.. he will be getting his presents the next AM on Xmas itself right?

I know that ideally siblings would be together..but this isn't an ideal situation.. your DH can handle his 2 boys without you.. shoot.... they could even do this out at a special breakfast for themselves too?

It's not always going to be "equal" and ideal.. but I think that THIS year.. this might be a good solution... and then your DH said that for the EVE that with everyone else there.. maybe it will turn out ok... but you can always be ready to whisk the little one out if things turn awkward or scary.

oatsnhoney's picture

Yeah I had that thought too. But a few opposing thoughts were.. 5yo won’t want to, it will be right before guests arrive and things will be busy, it would be blatantly obvious to skids if we left as soon as they arrived so that might make them feel shitty and put SS17 in a bad mood which makes me nervous, and... DH would be sad for us to go and therefore probably not want to do this.


Another idea is just have SS17 arrive when everyone does. “He was busy earlier” like many teens his age, is a believable face saving excuse.. and everyone would be all smiles to watch him Open a stocking. And all the family there might be more relaxing than a tense just the 5 of us fake friendly moment earlier followed by 2 hours of tension.

ESMOD's picture

I got ya.. well.. maybe the thing to do is just proceed... but with caution.. and with a plan if things go off the rails with the older boy. Decide beforehand if it will be your DH hustling the 17 year old out.. or whether you will grab the other two kids and head out. 

oatsnhoney's picture

I will press panic on the alarm panel. Which will silently make the police come immediately.

I should tell DH.. I’m not waiting to see how you manage. If it happens again I’m calling police immediately. Maybe that will make him be more direct with SS17 about zero tolerance.

it is a skid weekend. Only SS14 is coming. They are all meeting for dinner. Then DH is bringing the younger skid back. So it’s probsbly becoming clear to SS17 that we are serious about this consequence.