Talked with DH about SS17
Can’t believe it but it went well! I said I don’t want to talk about this (no SS17 at our house) but we need to figure it out. He agreed. I said I’d like to get through this conversation in a calm manner. I explained my view on every issue, my safety, 5yo’s safety, what I’ve read about sibling trauma and how it can affect them, how SS14 needs a break, how I want SS17 to be happy and successful - how I don’t dislike him - it’s just that I need to keep 5yo safe.
I explained how I don’t feel someone can learn to change how they treat others and control anger in 3 weeks. I said I can get snappy when mad and then shut down, you can get angry and defensive. Now, change yourself. See how hard that sounds? I just don’t see SS17 even trying to. Which means he can do that again (flip out yell and curse) at any moment. I told DH I also think it’s good for SS17 to have a real consequence for his actions for once. I think it’s good for him to learn before he turns 18.
so DH agreed with everything. He said he didn’t want me to take 5yo away for Xmas. I was considering flying to my sisters. He said SS17 just won’t be here. SS14 will come and I’ll just find time to go see SS17. The only issue is we are hosting all DHs extended family on Xmas Eve. DH said he would rather cancel it than do it without SS17. I said I think I might be ok with him coming at the same time everyone else does. But we usually exchange gifts with skids Eve morning. It’s like their Xmas with Dad, and that night they go to BMs for her Xmas with them. I’m really uneasy about this. I told him. He said how can I not do it? Maybe he comes an hour or two before everyone else? I said maybe but I feel nervous. That’s not ok. So we kind of left that part to solve later. I told him I’d have to talk to SS first. So we will see. I have to think on it,
He told me a week ago he asked SS how he’s going to fix this. SS said “he said he was sorry”. And DH said not to oatsnhoney you didn’t. SS got exasperated and said loudly “I can’t think about that now!” I told DH that proves my point, he’s not interested in working on his behavior or trying to better himself or work the program. He is just self absorbed, not caring about it. DH agreed.
DH also said BM told him she’s kicking him out at 18. I told DH he’s not coming here. DH said he knows.
I told DH I really feel bad for his position. He said he just wants to be happy. I also told him he should get more involved with the Dr. That how can I have any confidence DH knows how SS is doing if he’s only taking SS and BMs opinions. They are both F’d up. He agreed.
So at least it’s settled for now. But I do feel we have to keep working on this to try help SS17 steer his ship to a healthier place. As much as I’d like to turn him off in my mind... I don’t want to feed a toxic situation and make him worse. That’s just dangerous to all of us and the world. I told DH we don’t want to just drop some sick person in a community. DH agreed with that too.
dh was so not defensive (unusual) that I almost feel me insisting on this has relieved him of the burden of figuring it out. I also know he doesn’t want 5yo exposed at all just like me.
Its just so messed up this blended family idea. It’s like an invasion ones life. I bet many of you are like me and wish you had traditional family. You really have to push hard to build your own version of home and family life. And it keeps getting invaded.