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The holidays

fields556's picture

We have legal custody of our soon to be 16 year old SGD, whose mother got herself evicted from her low income apartment and went to live with her boyfriend at the time, 50 miles away last April.  After that broke up, she moved back to the next town over and has been crashing on someone's couch for the past 4 months and is 5 months pregnant.  SD is also a meth user.   She has seen her daughter maybe a total of 2 hours since April (SGD had to go to her and we insisted on supervised visits) and when she did, she gave her a framed picture of her ultrasound (cause it's all about her of course).  Visits are always at SGD's request - SD makes no effort to see her even though she has a car.  We have no phone number for SD so if something ever happened to SGD, we would have to find someone who is friends with SD on facebook to let her know.   SGD corresponds with her on facebook and although we're blocked and can't see SD's posts, we can tell just by SGD's attitude change.  SGD's BF has gone with her twice (as a monitor at our request) to see SD and apparently the majority of the conversation is SD telling SGD what horrible people we are, even though SGF has supported SGD since birth and taken her every weekend, holiday and vacation even when SD was around.  We have only been married 4 1/2 years and SD and SGD have been an issue since day one but we felt we had to step up and take her when she was abandoned.  But my point here is that SGD want to spend time with her mother for her birthday (12/24) and Christmas; DH has suggested that we invite SD to our home for Christmas dinner and we are 99% sure she will not come (amen!) and SGD knows that.  So I'm looking for suggestions.......

tog redux's picture

Let SGD reach out to her mother to make arrangements to see her. She's 16 now, and plenty old enough to do that on her own, and she should be getting the full weight of what her mother is really like.  No way would I invite SD to your home.

fields556's picture

Oh her eyes are getting opened a little more all the time and yes, I'm really afraid that if SD came to our home, I wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut.  I'm thinking maybe we can suggest her mother meet her at McDonalds or something and drop her off for an hour while we do something else.  It won't be supervised but I think that would be ok in a public place at this point.

Kes's picture

Yes, I would invite SD for Xmas dinner - it is just part of a day - it's not as if you're inviting her to stay for a few days.  If she doesn't come then from your point of view it doesn't really matter - the point is that you are doing what SGD wants in wishing to see her mother around the time of her birthday.  If she does come, it is just one meal, and if she doesn't, then at least you have shown willing for the sake of your SGD.  

justmakingthebest's picture

I wouldn't want SD in my home under those circumstances... I am also a bit of a control freak and wouldn't allow unsupervised. Is there some place that you could do christmas eve/ birthday dinner out? Or maybe lunch that day? Where you all can be present?

simifan's picture

I would not invite her to your home. This opens up way too many doors. Go to a restaurant or someplace public. Best of luck to you

Major Blunder's picture

Trust me here, I have been living this for 8 years now, DON"T ALLOW SD IN YOUR HOME !!!!!!  I caved to many times and allowed SD into our home and she has robbed us blind on more than one occaission. Read my Blogs it sounds like we have the same SD basically, always meet away from your home, your solice, your place of safety.

Good Luck !

fields556's picture

I agree but apparently SGD has already extended the invite.  I've read your blog and feel your pain - I just created one as well.  I think I will be spending Christmas with a bottle of vodka in my office and letting DH deal with it.

notasm3's picture

No! No! No!

I won't let my SS34 in my home under any circumstances.  And as horrible as he is - he sounds better than that POS.  And he's pretty darn low.  I'm having my DH's siblings and their grown children over for Christmas.  SS would love to come see his many aunts, uncles and cousins - but NOPE he's not invited.  Not up for discussion.  Yes he could sit there and politely have dinner and even be nice to me - but after all he's done there's no way he's setting foot in my home ever again.  Actions have consequences.

ETA - I just saw where SGD already extended the invite.  My DH did that once year and I just rescinded it.  SGD shouldn't get to control who is in your home.

fields556's picture

Ugh I don't think I can rescind it without causing hard feelings with SGD which will result in hard feelings with DH and just a miserable Christmas all around.  I've decided that IF she shows and starts crap I will simply say in front of everyone that its a damn shame she can't behave for the sake of her daughter on Christmas and show her the door.  Of course if she refuses to leave, then I'll call the police and have her removed.  SGD has been told she needs to warn her up front that this will happen, so hopefully that will even lessen the chances that she'll show up.