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Deviating from CO

Ginger_SM's picture

I have two SD's who currently live out of state. The BM has basically been saying she will not send them for the scheduled Christmas break because of something totally exaggerated. 

 Well in order to get the girls, DH is essentially agreeing to unnecessary measures because with a legal battle it wouldn't be resolved by Christmas anyways and costs. Due to the what ifs, we have opted not to buy the returning flight ticket as of yet, which we are responsible for. 

We talked to the attorneys this last week and they stated they are pretty confident we will reach an agreement. They stated we could probably reach out to BM to arrange dates but not to discuss stipulations. 

We reach out to BM and in true fashion she makes it more difficult even so. She has requested if there isn't a price difference to book flights from different airports specified in the CO and on a different day to accommodate time for her family. 

We aren't exactly opposed to booking the flight a different day but different airports makes me nervous. And at the same time it kind of feels like why should we accommodate when she has made getting this trip arranged incredibly difficult. Then on the other hand it does benefit the girls. 

She also offered to pay for all of Christmas and we can book the returning flight for spring break. I don't personally feel it would be worth the savings because what if she pulls the same crap next visit. The stress is not worth the savings. 


Survivingstephell's picture

She wants control for some reason.  Let her have it.  Would it be so bad to miss Christmas with the skids??  DH would have to make it clear to the skids who's fault it is though if they are old enough to get it.  

Chmmy's picture

Obviously DH wants to fight for Christmas with skids but a Christmas without skids sounds like a joy to me.

Survivingstephell's picture

Yeah, I'm passed that stage so I forget how hard it can be and I never had to deal with airline travel.  Bad skids gone is bliss though.  

tog redux's picture

Wait. The attorneys said not to discuss stipulations, so BM discussed stipulations.  Let your attorney take that back to hers and make the agreement that way.

If you give a BM like this an inch, she will take a mile. If a CO deviation is made, do it through your attorney. If she ends up getting her way, don't make her think it will be easy every time she wants to make a change.

Thumper's picture

Wow tog you are on a roll.  GREAT observation and advise.

OP....after a year or two of this back and forth with BM....OR maybe this year. LET her have the kids for the holidays. She of course will tell you DH cant do that. OH yes he can.

I am not saying it is an easy decision to make but sooner or later enough is enough. Send the gifts with sig required and tracking number.

Same goes for other holidays like Spring Break....and summer. too. Very sad indeed.

"Kids in the Judge gave me Christmas in our court order. I am so thankful he/she did.  Mom is having some challanges with this arrangement. I dont want to upset her anymore than she is soooooooooooooo I have decided to allow her to have you for all Christmas Holidays and maybe much of the summer too." I tried very hard. Maybe mom will see things differently next year. LOVE YOU.


Ginger_SM's picture

Oh, we believe it is very much about control. Also, I think if we don't address it with this visit, it's not like she will suddenly become reasonable with the next scheduled visit.  

I actually get along fairly well with both of my SD's so I don't mind when they are here. Although, BM is kind of rubbing off on the older one which I kind of dread. 

Also, my thought is I feel like if we do make a change we are almost rewarding the crappy behavior. I feel like we shouldn't on the premise of if you want us to work with you then you are going to have to work with us. But then it feels like tit for tat which never benefits the kids.  

We did send the conversation to the attorneys but haven't received a response as of yet due to the Holiday's

ESMOD's picture

My advice would be to stick to the CO.. I would also be purchasing all tickets "refundable".. it may cost a little more.. but at least you can get money back if things don't work out.  Alternately.. if you have the option of using Southwest air.. they are great because you can literally cancel a flight up to I think .. an hour.. prior to boarding.. (or the flight.. can't remember exactly) this was a great option when my DH worked in the oil business and his returns home were sometimes a bit sketchy in timing.. I would book several flights.. and cancel the ones he didn't need.. for credits on a future flight.

momjeans's picture

Do not deviate from the CO.

And don’t be fooled. BM can bob her head up and down in agreement all day long. It absolutely does not guarantee she will play along come the next visitation. 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

^ Don't deviate. For both your own peace of mind and as much aharmony as you can find in stephe!!. Second you deviate an inch they want the next 6 miles and a piece of cake to go with it.

Anything outside of the CO she can go back on her word on. So even if she starts going "if you'll do this and this...." She'll take it all and still will do whatever she wants.

Don't play her game. The CO is there for a reason.

Ginger_SM's picture

Thanks for the advice!

I agree nothing is a guarantee. That's why even if it will be fun for the girls, for our safety we aren't really comfortable with it.