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Struggling to disengage

Lndsy747's picture

After our fallout this summer SD 16 wants nothing to do with us again. She said she's not ready to come back over and needs space. She's back to being best friends with BM which I'm pretty sure is the only reason she came back into our lives to begin with (they weren't getting along when she reached out about a year ago). This back and forth has happened multiple times and now that we have a bio child I'm over it. It hurts enough for us I don't want to put my daughter through his sister being in and out of her life.

A month ago SD asked me to drop off a few things she left here and I let her know that she should reach out to her dad about it and that I didn't want to be the middle man any longer. She responded with an attitude saying that it's not fair that I chose to stop helping when she needs something and never messages her dad about it.

Yesterday she messaged me again for the same reason saying she was sending a friend over to pick up her stuff. I again told her to message her dad and when she said she didn't have his number I have it to her then stopped reading/responding. She was really ride to her dad demanding that he give her her stuff and he chose to not respond. We have no interest in keeping it but her attitude is uncalled for.

Her friend still came over and knocked on the door but we didn't answer we have a policy of not doing that if we don't have plans first for anyone. Her dad isn't sure if he'll respond at all (I think he should) and it's been on my mind constantly. 

The only thing she left here was a cracked iPhone, a cheap $30 prepay phone, a t-shirt and some sandals. I feel like this is more about lashing out then needing her stuff. Thoughts?


tog redux's picture

She sounds like a kid who can't love both her parents at the same time, it's one or the other. One parent is "good" and the other is  "bad" and that flip-flops.  Does her BM tend to try to make her take sides?  She's acting like an alienated kid.

DH should tie her getting her stuff to coming to have a conversation with him, and bring up this pattern of going back and forth between the homes. Don't let her get away with being rude, he needs to still demand respect.

Lndsy747's picture

Yeah she's definitely alienated. I've been doing a lot of research on PAS and she would fall into the hostage category. She knows things aren't normal with her mom but doesn't see her dad as being able to help her and so I think it's easier for her to just not have a relationship with him. 

That's a good idea to ask to meet even if it's just a quick one.

tog redux's picture

My SS18 was alienated for years and early on in it he texted demanding stuff from our house. DH insisted he come over and get it himself, and he finally did. He actually visited twice before he PAS'd out again. I know he feels like he has no choice but to go along with BM.

DH should not try to win her over with money, he has to keep being the parent.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Block her number/social media/BM/etc. It’s on your DH to deal with his other child, not you. Her guilt trips are BS. She chooses BM; let her lie in her own bed. She is an adult in two years; start total disengagement NOW.


Ghost her and her BM and anyone enmeshed with them.

Notup4it's picture

Ya it is more of a “reach out” than actually wanting her things I’m sure.  And I think you are doing the right thing by not getting involved yourself. 

I think maybe you should get DH to reach out thought and say “We love and miss you, but we also won’t allow you to be disrespectful.  You are welcome to come get your things and visit when you are ready”.  And then leave it at that.

My DH is extremely alienated from his kids. He is finally stopping chasing them and putting his foot down. Even though they act how they do the parents are stilll the parents and what is it teaching them about life if they are allowed to bully and be disrespectful and act like horrible people without any consequences?!

Ive been reading a lot about PAS as well, and I have very mixed feelings.  I understand it is also the other parent and the dynamic at play, but at some point the kid need to take responsibility for their actions as well. If they are over the age of 10 (or have some form of grasping right from wrong) at some point they need to have some of the onus on them as well.


Lndsy747's picture

That's where I struggle too. I get that PAS is due to emotional abuse and I get what the therapists say about how you can't expect children to break free if you can't promise protection but if she can sneak sending nude pics to people I'm sure she could sneak a nice message to BD too keep in touch and not be so rude and demanding. At some point she needs to be responsible for her behavior. She'll be an adult in 2 years.

Rags's picture

If SD wants her shit, she comes get it.  When is DH going to put his foot up both BM's ass and the toxic kid's ass by filing a contempt motion against BM each and every time she fails to surrender the kid per the CO. 

And for damned sure no one comes to get SD's shit except for SD.  If she wants her shit, she comes and gets it.

Quit catering to toxic. Whether that toxic is BM or SD.

marblefawn's picture

Why not just give the friend her stuff and be done with it? As long as you keep it, she has reason to keep bugging. Keeping it won't straighten out this mess. And if your husband can't be bothered to arrange to get it to her, then why should you worry about any of it?

Lndsy747's picture

He feels like others have said that if she wants it she needs to come get it and said that she will never get a response out of him from talking the way she did. He was really surprised at the way she acted, I wasn't she talks to her mom like that.

The week after she left, her mom said she was stopping by to get the stuff in an hour and never showed up. I messaged SD the following week and said I'd drop it off if she wants but they've moved and we don't have the address. She never responded to that but messaged me a week later saying that she needed space and wasn't ready to come back over and never mentioned her stuff. This was when I decided I was done trying and was going to disengage and leave it between her and her dad.

If it was up to me I probably would have just given her friend the stuff it was hard to not respond other than saying to contact her dad and giving his number which is why I chose the title. The friends want one that we've met and definitely not someone who knew where we live so I do feel it was really rude to send her over. She knows we don't answer our door for random people and should not have sent her over without hearing from us.