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Costly medication makes me more resentful

New_to_this's picture

I want to know what goes on with DH's finances because in the long run it affects me, but I really just want my head to be in the sand. I just found out that one of SS's medications costs over $400 a month. That doesn't include his psychiatry and psychologist appointments or his other meds for the month. It doesn't include all the other expenses, plus his allowance, plus his activities.

I am so reluctant to get a maid service even though I'm in my third trimester of pregnancy with no household help, yet eight times that outlay is going towards monthly expenses for SS crap and SD college. I am the maid, cook, and nanny. I should just blow the remainder of my husband's monthly earnings and just make my life easier, but that's just not me. I'm too frugal. I want to save even if it's not my money (though it really should be part mine since I'm staying at home and taking care of DS and soon DD as well).

Ugh, and I hate the pretending and putting on a show when I can't stand the stepkids because I see them as a complete money drain.

Update: I've been getting lots of negative comments that I should not feel resentment for the medical costs, but, this is a rant and I did not go into the entire situation of what's been going on in my household in this particular post.

There are facts that I failed to mention about SS and his medications. He's been on medication for 8 years or more. No one was taking the time earlier to actively teach him coping and learning mechanisms, so he's been relying on meds instead of behavior and life skills for more than half his life. And, even this new psychologist doesn't believe that he needs medication and her goal is to get him off of it at some point.

Look, I'm pissed about wasted money and I'm venting. No, this child does not have cancer or diabetes. And, if he ends up getting diabetes (which is likely given his eating habits and SS, DH, and BM's lack of getting him to eat healthy - not my words, his doctor's words) I'd still get him the medication. But, yeah, I'd still be super pissed about it.


AlmostGone83's picture

Ugh that’s what gets me too... SD just sucks household money from us. Her mom has washed her hands of her now that she is an “adult” ...

fourbrats's picture

One, YNAB (You Need a Budget) and have hubs do it with you. It helps you track spending and saving plus save for things etc. It's a life saver.

Two, The kids need to help out around the house. If DH won't do it then find their currency and get a chart going. Even your little one can help out.

Three, pay for the maid service. Just do it. It won't be for very long and it's worth it.

Four, change the frame of mind about SS meds. If he had cancer I doubt you would complain about the cost of chemo (because really, no one would) but mental health issues are sometimes even more dangerous. DH has PTSD. anxiety, depression, and has had suicidal ideations all during and after military service. His chances of committing suicide are much higher than any other illness taking him at his age. And believe me I have had resentment over costs, stress, behaviors etc and I adore my husband. I spent quite a few years repeating "It's a chronic illness but it doesn't have to be terminal" and reframing my thoughts in regards to my husband's disease versus any other disease. I wouldn't complain about cancer, diabetes, hell, male pattern baldness so I don't complain about mental illness either. 

tog redux's picture

I'm confused - psychiatric appointments and medication aren't exactly skid "crap".  It's not like he's buying him $400 worth of clothes a month. Isn't a good thing that he's taking care of his kid's medical needs?  Wouldn't he likely be court-ordered to pay it anyway, even if he wasn't being responsible about it?

I get resenting the money that goes for toys and unneeded crap that skids ask for, but not for needed medications. I assume you'd pay that for your child if she needs it in the future.

Letti.R's picture

I can not help but say this OP, but your resentment around medication is channelled in the wrong direction.
You need a good look at yourself if you are resentful about the cost of someone's medical treatment.

Yes, the kids may be a money drain, but they existed before you and your relationship with DH.
How would you feel if the kids resented you and your child for taking money that could be spent on them, rather than you and a new sibling?
Resentment of the skids is an easy blame-shift for your and DH's economic position.

It is your choice to not get a maid to assist you and be ignorant of your DH's finances.
I doubt the skids have a choice on needing money to exist or for medical treatment.

New_to_this's picture

There are facts that I failed to mention in this particular post about SS and his medications. He's been on medication for 8 years or more. No one was taking the time earlier to actively teach him coping and learning mechanisms, so he's been relying on meds instead of behavior and life skills for more than half his life. And, even this new psychologist doesn't believe that he needs medication and her goal is to get him off of it.

Look, I'm pissed about wasted money and I'm venting. No, this child does not have cancer or diabetes. And, if he ends up getting diabetes (which is likely given his eating habits and SS, DH, and BM's lack of getting him to eat healthy - not my words, his doctor's words) I'd still get him the medication. But, yeah, I'd still be super pissed about it.

Letti.R's picture

Do you see that your DH is at the root of this?
His lack of parenting?
Throwing money at unnecessary and preventable instances?

You have every right to be pissed, but it needs to be at the right people for the right reasons.

New_to_this's picture

Oh yes. I completely see that this is DH's fault. I do know that my anger is displaced. SS may be manipulative, but DH allows the manipulation. I blame DH. But, I think my blaming SS is probably my own coping mechanism to try and keep my marriage afloat. Like, if I completely blame DH, then my marriage completely goes south and I'm trying to avoid that. I think I might be doing this but not consciously.

futurobrillante99's picture

I would be super pissed at having to pay for meds when the matter could be alleviated by changes in behavior or better parenting.

I was super pissed that my stbX's choices led to his health problems - purely within his control.

My DS22 has Autism and would not/could not swallow a pill when he was in 3rd grade, so we had to pay a TON for m-tabs that would dissolve on his tongue. It was maddening how much they cost, and his dad and I were very frustrated at his stubborn refusal to try to swallow a pill. After a couple of years, we finally helped him figure it out and could get the regular pills.

Yes, I would be super pissed if my lazy spouse was enabling behavior that could alleviate the need for an expensive medication.

marblefawn's picture

Your amended post doesn't really change anything. If you feel attacked, maybe think about what people are telling you. Resenting expensive clothes and toys is one thing, but medical care is different.

You said in a previous post that you think the kid may be bipolar, and he has been diagnosed with depression and ADHD. Those diagnoses can't be treated with just coping skills. He will probably need meds all his life, so plan on it.

Of course, coping skills should be taught. But no amount of coping skills will change his brain chemistry, which is at the root of many mental illnesses. The meds level him out and in the long run, that makes your life much easier, even if you don't realize it.

Some people with mental illness will not take the meds to keep them level. If that happens, you may end up with a world of trouble that makes the expense of medical care look easy in comparison.

When people marry, they willingly take each other's problems. With this kid, you got a big dose of expensive trouble. Resenting the costs of his medical care is heartless when he's already going to have this lifelong battle. 

Try to appreciate how that $400 is making your life easier because mental illness affects everyone in a household. You're going to have your hands full with a new baby. Be glad he's willing to take the meds now because that might not always be the case.


New_to_this's picture

I get that I'm no expert on mental illness. I leave it to the professionals and DH and BM since SS is their child. But, I have every right to have ill feelings over all of this. Ok. I have never been on mood-altering, anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, or anti-psychotics. I don't know what it's like. I do know that DH took anti-depressants during and after his divorce. I also know that he was concerned about staying on it and he stopped (under the guidance of a psychiatrist and psychologist) within a year after the divorce. He explained that he needed it to get through the days and take care of his kids at the same time. I totally get that. I think that is healthy.

What I don't get is that BM has been on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds since a teenager. Granted, I don't know her or her situation, but it seems to me like over-medication, since she's been on these for basically her entire life without ever actually seeing a psychologist to talk through through her issues. 

I don't get that SD has been on anti-anxiety meds since she was like 10 years old to get over freezing up during a sport that she stopped being involved in within a year. She's still on it, so she's been on it for over 8 years and she doesn't want to try and see if she can wean herself off of it. She thinks she needs to be on it forever.

So...yes, SS might really need anti-depressants and anti-psychotics for the rest of his life. But, I don't buy it with everything I see around me. He is not genetically related to DH, BM, or SD. We don't know whether there is any genetic background of mental illness with him. BM thinks these drugs are a necessary part of life for one's entire life and DH has a history of just going along with things and not wanting to do the really hard parenting work. BM obviously isn't doing any parenting. I'm just angry all around.

But, you are right. I've stopped trying to get DH to do the hard parenting work with SS. SS is too manipulative and will break apart the family if given the opportunity to. I stopped caring when DS was born. I have too much on my own plate and I will have more responsibilities when the baby is born. So, yes, you are absolutely right. I should be happy that he's on meds, so I don't have to be part of what happens when he is no longer on them.

I may resent the fact that we spend so much on the skids, but I don't take it out on them. I'm just pissed and ranting and I don't see the need for some to tell me I'm heartless. I do a lot for these kids and I also put their needs first (needs, not wants).

futurobrillante99's picture

It just seems like the expensive meds are just a small part of your frustrations, but right now they are getting your focus.

If your home life was otherwise happy and fulfilling, I doubt you'd be so upset about the expense.

Are your finances separate? Do you work or work as a stay at home mom? If your DH is supporting you as a stay at home mom, I'm not sure how you could effectively influence him to make a change. If you work outside the home, please consider separating finances so that your DH feels the financial effect of paying for the meds without the buffer of your income.

New_to_this's picture

You're right. There are a lot of issues. This was just the one I decided to rant about today Smile And, I really do not feel fulfilled at this point. I'm also pregnant and always uncomfortable and feeling like I barely have a partner, so that isn't helping either.

I became a stay at home mom after DS was born, but I have a lot of resentment about that as well. We live in an area that I didn't want to move to. If I didn't move to the outer suburbs for DH, I would've probably stayed working. I just couldn't fathom spending 3 hours a day in traffic not including a full day of work. It was fine before I had DS, but not after. We had separate finances when I was working, but now that I'm not, we just rely on DH's salary to pay the bills. But, our bills are much lower than they could have been due to my general frugalness and the fact that I made a large downpayment on our house, so our mortgage much lower than anything DH could have rented even in the outer suburbs. He doesn't feel the financial effect because I've already buffered it.


marblefawn's picture

Oh, I it sounds as if no one knows SS's genetic history. Yea, that's the wild card. If he was adopted, there's no telling what mom was doing when he was in utero or what his parents' health history is.

Look, I'm not going to judge what all these doctors are doing -- some won't give you those pills no matter how f****d up you are; others put a kid on meds first and maybe ask questions later.

But if your untrained eye sees SS has problems, and the doctors have diagnosed him, then he probably does.

SD's situation sounds just plain odd. Like, who would put their kid on meds to continue in a sport at which they aren't succeeding? Maybe she just needed to keep training for it or maybe that sport isn't for her. I remember feeling utter dread waiting for the gun to fire when I was in track and field. I got out of sports and into theater and never had stage fright no matter how many people were in the audience.

You filled in a lot more of the story with your last post and I see why you question why everyone in this family is taking or took mood-altering drugs. But it sounds like even you recognize SS is probably better on meds.

Yea, of course, you're frustrated, and with another baby on the way you start to look at things differently -- maybe more clearly. Give yourself a break until baby gets here. Let your husband fret -- or not fret -- over this stuff for now. Your baby deserves a nice calm remainder of her stay before she's out here with the rest of us dealing with life's BS! Don't worry about what meds BM is on or that SD is still on drugs...when you're not so vulnerable, you may find a way to approach this stuff that does your skids a real service. But in the meantime, YOU ARE CREATING LIFE, woman! No one else in your household is doing anything that important! Focus on that.

New_to_this's picture

Thanks for the perspective Smile I'm going to replay the last three sentences over to myself. I need to remember that and focus on the baby and me.

Yeah, the medicated SD thing bothers me. She was going through puberty, thus gaining hips, weight, and height. I think her brain was telling her body not to maim itself, thus she was freezing up. She was a gymnast and she was really good. Giving it up was really hard for her - I know she fantasized about being in the Olympics. So, I sort of get why they get her on it to begin with, but I have no clue why she continues to be on it.