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So tired of being the target

mamafaith28's picture

BM promised SD14 4H program so that SD wouldn’t want to spend part of summer with us, we have full physical while she gets long distant parenting time which includes 8 weeks in the summer but we recently started letting SD decide when she comes and goes. Also, BM lives 3 hours away. 

So she promised her 4H and told her she would only sign her up if she was down there all summer, once summer got closer BM told her no to 4H, she was going to go into SeaCAdets, almost like a military camp that helps build a future for a child who may want to go into the military. Great idea, right? Once SD 14 got down there she said no, and this is after SD spent a weekend at orientation and was SO excited. From late Spring to mid summer she got SD all excited about a Halloweekends trip to Cedar Point, awesome experience BTW, only to tell her, hey maybe next year, a week ago. 

Somehow during all of this SD takes it out on me. I’m the one she gets angry with. I’m the one she yells at and disobeys. Her siblings up here are treated poorly. She just flips her lid out of no where. 

Im assuming she does this because we are her safety, I am her safety. But how can we prevent this? Her BM will always build her up about exciting things, only to tear her down. She has done this since I came around over 9 years ago. 

She would promise Christmas gifts only to, months later, tell her she lied so that kiddo would get excited. She promises exciting adventures during our time and when we agree that she can take her during that time, she will, days prior, tell kiddo, sorry maybe next week, month, or year. 

I feel at times that she does this to make herself feel better than us. I feel that she plans things on our time in hopes that we say no so that she can blame us. I feel that she is trying to turn kiddo against us. 

We do a lot up here. Sundays are our family fun days, beach days, laser tag, movies, popcorn nights, trips to a waterpark. When we promise our kiddos an adventure, we do it. 

Anyone have any ideas on what to do? 


Siemprematahari's picture

I feel for your SD and its heartbreaking how her mother continues to do this. When a parent breaks a promise it does so much damage to a child. It teaches them not to trust, they become disappointed, and they feel unimportant. This leads to them being disrespectful and since she can't seem to communicate it to her mom she takes it out on you and everyone else.

What I find is that her BM doesn’t understand that SD is hurt by her broken promises because BM doesn’t understand that that’s what they are…broken promises. While you can't control what BM does just ensure that when you and H promise something, that the promise is fulfilled. And on the very rare occasion you promise something & can’t deliver, explain the actual reason why. No excuses. Lead by example.

Let her understand that this is a part of her mother's personality and not to allow her personality to take away from her sense of security. Let her know that her mother does love her but shows it in a different way.

moving_on_again's picture

SD is 14. It's time to be honest. Tell her what you told us. That it's obvious she's upset that her mom doesn't keep promises, but that taking it out on people who do keep promises isn't going to end well for her. Plus, keep in mind she's 14, step or bio, this is when the hormones hit hard. She really may just be having some hormonal responses she doesn't know how to handle.