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1wonder woman's picture

WELL WELL WELL... I AM SO HURT! So sorry this is so long but I gotta vent!! My boyfriend and I have been living together in my house for almost three years... and he has his daughter every Friday she spends the night and he was suppose to drop her off before he had to be at work at 1;00 today.  My daughter and I were swimming and his kid asked me if she could stay longer she loves spending time with my daughter and I. I said sure ask your mom if it is O.K she said to have her dropped off by 4;00.  Then on our way to drop his 11 year old daughter off she begged me for McDonalds her fav... she ordered what she wanted to eat and bam she looks at her food and starts to cry... she said she is afraid the food will constipate her...she said the food will make her sick... my boyfriend and i think she might have a eating disorder or separation anxiety because when he has her his one day per week she will not eat she cries and says the food will make her sick. Her mom was recently out of town for a week and the kid called her dad up and he had no idea his ex was out of the state she was in tears she  begged me to come and get her and take care of her because she was so sick...i took care of her for three days and she was so sick... then bam we dropped her off and we called her up later and she was her happy perky self... then the following week bio mom said the kid is not coming to see her dad that week because her brother was in town... next week he will not have again... his ex is keeping her every Friday except for one Friday a month now.  well today after i calmed her down she said I think I am missing my mom... because I am not like this when I am with her I can eat.  I said you might have separation anxiety... I use to have this when I was little because I too came from a divorced family.  many divorced children go through this it is normal but I told her i am no doctor you need to tell your mom to take you to see a doctor this has been going on too long now... well when my boyfriend came home he ran into the bathroom a he left his phone on the table and I saw this long mean message from his ex wife staring back at me so I picked up the phone and started to read it... she said when i dropped her daughter off today I had her in tears because I had her convinced she has separation anxiety and this is why she has been sick... she said I don't know why your girl friend would tell her such a thing... she said our daughter is impressionable and lacks the maturity to understand what separation anxiety is... your girlfriend is why she is crying and sick all the time... I am not going to fight our daughter anymore if she does not want to visit you anymore I will not force her to do so anymore.  Your girlfriend crossed the line today... she is why our daughter is sick... she hates her she does not want to be around her!  I HAD NO TIME TO READ THE REST OF THE MESSAGE IT WAS VERY LONG!  My boyfriend comes out of the bathroom acts all normal and picks up his phone and he erased the text from his ex and mentions nothing about it to me... he promised me long time ago he'd never erase any messages between the two of them like he has done in the past. I want a open honest relationship... He gets mad at me because I do not trust him and then I forgive him I turst him again and then BAM he does it again.  He said he knew the text upset him and he deleted it to protect me and he knew it would upset me... he erased this text just like he has done in the past when ever his ex sends him a mean text... I told him what upsets me more is not a mean text message from his ex but the fact that he broke his promise to me. I told him he should of taken a picture of the text just incase he had to take her to court.  He said he was in tears at work and so upset after reading the text and he knew it would upset me too. I told him your ex is nuts she is using the cell phone to hurt you and your kid too...  Today is the first day that we have ever heard that his kid does not want to come and visit her father and I do not believe it for a minute... I see how happy she is when she is with us..she tells me all the time that she loves me she even made me a card that said I thank God that he brought you into my life... those were her words not mine... the mom is jealous of me and she knows her kid loves me.  I feel so sorry for this child... her mom works two jobs and ever since her big sister moved out of the house she has been staying hoome alon alot and this is when she started feeling she is only getting to see he dad once a month if that now because bio mom keeps her from seeing him making up excuses every week... bio mom is Narcisstic she is trying to keep all three of her kids to herself the two oldest kids have already disowned their dad because his ex has brain washed them both... this is a plan to have an excuse to keep her kid from coming to visit her dad at all..the kid told me just two weeks ago her mom told her soon when she turns 12 she will not have to come and visit her dad the court will not make her visit him and I told his daughter do you realize how hurt your dad will be when he hears this news? .I told her I went to visit my mom on the weekends because it was a court order I never got to decide if I wanted to go or not. Bio mom works two jobs and the kid is left home too much by herself and it is causing stress in this Childs life she needs both of her parents not one... I say she is having separation anxiety she is missing both parents and who knows maybe she does have a eating disorder her mom is obsessed with staying skinny and the kid is always saying I will never become a fat lazy person and the mom is now giving her laxatives and stool softeners she told her kid she must have a poo everyday  or she will be sick...the kid said  I want to be skinny like my mom.... the kid needs a doctor! I just want to run away far far away! So fed up... so hurt and I am too old for this crap! 

Curious Georgetta's picture

That you have access to every message that your partner has with his ex.  Rather it indicates a lack of trust in your part and some level of insecurity.

You are wrong when you say that you want to be away " from this crap". Rather ,by insisting that you see the messages , you are indicating  a need to be in the thick of the crap.

Let the child see her dad on whatever haphazard  schedule that seems to be working for them and separate your self from his child care.

Had you not read the message, the next visit would probably gone along as normal.

If the BM blows up your partner 's phone, clearly he is not wanting it to upset or impact you. He seems capable of ignoring it, why are you letting what her comments worth you? They do not seem to be bothering your partner, and you are not dating the ex.

If you are not getting any indication from the child that she dislikes you, why are you upset?  If you would feel more comfortable , you can distance yourself  from child care equation.

You are letting 3rd party comments directed to someone else upset ypu.

Actually, neither your partner nor his ex are at fault. She directed  her thoughts to what she  probably assumed  was a private communication about  her child to her child's father. You do not have to believe or accept what she says, but it is not an inappropriate conversation for her to have with her child's father.

Had you not had some need to be privy to their conversation, you would have been spared all of this unnecessary angst.

Leave this people to the management of their own parenting practices and just make it clear that you wish no involvement.

It is possible to love your partner without immersing your self in his communications with his ex. 





Iamwoman's picture

My OSS used to randomly cry about various things while he was in the midst of being PAS’d by HCBM. This is why PAS is considered child abuse. It causes a psychological split of sorts in the child’s brain. They become detached from reality and often develop multiple personalities- something a psychologist once told me- a very mentally painful process for anyone to go through. Can you imagine separating yourself into two different people?

I don’t think you should disengage if you’re not ready for it yet. This girl obviously trusts you.

The problem is that she records everything you say and plays it back to her mom. If it’s anything like what my OSS went theough, she is getting grilled like a suspect in a police station every time she goes back to BM.

Just keep being playful with SD. Don’t have emotional conversations. Kids don’t really like that stuff anyway. If anything, tell her to only believe what she sees and experiences from people, as well as what her instincts tell her, and remind her that no one in this world, not even her mother, knows everything about everything and everybody.

Tell her constantly how beautiful she is. Show her pictures of starving people in Africa and ask her if this is how she wants to look. (No)

Tell her that no matter how long she has between visits  to her dad’s that you will always love her the same when she comes back - no matter how long it is. Then prove it.

This girl needs some stability.

One more thing: try to get the forced use of laxatives on written record. This is abuse.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

You have a good heart, but it led you to be exploited and then maligned for your good deeds.

Tme to think with your head instead. Remove yourself from the circle jerk your SO, BM, and SD have going. Step several degrees back from SD, and don't care for her when your SO isn't around. If SD wants to stay and swim, cheerfully say " Sorry SD, but it's time to go ".  Adopt a breezy, matter of fact attitude towards all things SD and let your SO parent her. Give yourself a boundary: not your kid, not your problem.


1wonder woman's picture

Thank you!! Good advice :) 

Gucci's picture

Honestly? Get out! If he's hiding shit and lying to you, it will never get better. You can't trust him and that is no way to live. NOT WORTH IT!