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14 yr old to decide where he wants to live?

newmommy05's picture

Bm and Dh seem to think SS14 should be the one to call the shots as to where he wants to live. He has been living with BM up till now. Bm and SS both flip flop monthly as to where he should live. It drives us nuts. We live 9 hrs away from each other so basically it would mean he would live with one parent during the school year and the other parent for holidays and summers. Should a 14yr old be allowed to make that kind of decision? I could maybe see it happening if we were talking about a very level headed and mature kid but SS is neither...

Curious Georgetta's picture

In this case, there are only 2 choices and both of these peop!e are his parents. Unless one of those people is demonstrably unfit or incapable of providing a safe environment why shouldn't the child be allowed to choose.

At this age, a judge would consider the child's feelings. Is one parent reluctant to have their chikd?

If both parents want the child and are equally capable of having him/,her why shouldn't they let the child choose.



newmommy05's picture

We are reluctant to let him choose because what if he changes his mind 6 months into it? A lot of changes and adaptations are needed to incorporate him into our existing family life. Ss is also very swishy washy and immature. It makes it more difficult because we live 9 hrs away so basically if he is to live here, he is going to stay because we can't be driving his stuff back and forth. 

SteppedOut's picture

Don't LET him change his mind 6 months in! If he chooses, he has to stay at LEAST until school is out. PERIOD! If he choses to go back to BM, then that's where he stays (unless she somehow becomes unfit) until he ages out. PERIOD. Time for your husband to make HARD decisions AND keep to them. It will be good for not only SS, but your family as a whole. 

beebeel's picture

Because that is the SHITTIEST "choice" to EVER leave up to a kid. At the age of 12, my mom made me "choose" one of them after months of manipulation. I still haven't forgiven her for that. 

You are seriously the worst at giving advice.

Curious Georgetta's picture

he should be locked in to it for the duration of the school year. Allowing him to make grown up decisions , should carry with it grown up accountability.


marblefawn's picture

This is how parents are now. The kids rule the roost. What do you want for dinner, honey? What do you want to wear to school, honey? Where do you want to go for vacation, honey? Whose household do you want to completely turn upside down to accommodate your whim today, honey?

lorlors's picture

SS (then 16) and SD (then 15) ran away from BM and moved in permanently with us as they had a massive falling out with her. 8 months later, SS decides he 'needs a break from DH and I' and will be moving back in with mummykins as a result of losing internet privileges for a week due to bad behaviour.

They were both informed when they elected to move in to our home full time that there would be no chopping and changing and that if they made the decision it would be final until school was completed. Our view is that children don't get to run back and forth between the homes if they don't get what they want or don't like how either home operates on a whim.

SS was immediately shut down on this. I personally felt it was a massive kick in the face for him to even raise it with us, given he and his sister completely upended my life in particular and then decided we were not suitable for him anymore. It is highly manipulative behaviour and an attempt by SS to exert control over his parents by playing them off against each other.

Not on my watch. He can do what he wants as soon as school is done in a few months and not before.