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SKs finally seeing "the truth"

young_step_mom's picture

Does this ever happen?

I have a coworker who knows a bit about my situation, and he told me about two of his adult kids who refuse to see/speak to him because of PAS from their mother growing up.  He didn't tell me ages or specifics about their situation, just that they are both adults and that he hasn't seen or spoken to either of them in years.

DH on the other hand, has a coworker who moved in with his dad when he was 12 because of PAS from his mom.  He told DH that he started to "see the truth" and began to realize that his mother was lying to him about his father and that HE asked his dad if he could move in and his dad pushed custody.  He says he still has a relationship with his mother but isn't particularly close with her.

In our current situation, if things stay the course, I see us ending up as my coworker.  SS is 11, so to me that means that he is old enough to not believe BM or her family blindly in whatever they have been telling him about DH.  DH of course thinks the exact opposite, that SS will eventually want to live with us because I guess one day he will just wake up, have an epiphany, and realize BM and her family are liars.

I guess I'm just wondering about people here, how much do kids believe and do they ever actually have that epiphany where they realize what's going on?

Let me just make a note that for the most part, even though we have had issues with BM through the years, SS has been a good kid, we (especially DH) have a good relationship with him and the PASing is really a result of DH contesting the CS increase she is requesting and we THINK that once things settle down again, she'll stop messing with SS (although I don't really anticipate that to be the case for another year or so).

Comments

hereiam's picture

With my SD27, it's weird. She knows her mom has lied to her about DH and yet, when she's mad at DH, she throws all of the lies in his face, as if they are truth. DH and I have been together since SD was 5, so a lot of years for BM to lie and alienate.

BM has raised her to be co-dependent, so SD is very dependent on her. It's convenient, and in her best interest, to just stay loyal to her mother. Sometimes, it seems that she WANTS to believe the lies. Maybe that's easier than admitting that her mother damaged the relationship and that she let it continue, even as an adult, when she knew better.

I just can't care anymore.

Maxwell09's picture

My skid is still young but I tend to believe he will end up PAS-ed against us or at the very least never see "the light" that is BM's lying, decietful antics. DH assumes SS will get tired of our rules and expectations to go live with BM where he runs things as mini-husbands do, but then he thinks he will get sick of her bipolar tendencies and blackmail style of affection and come back to us. I have little hope for this as I assume once BM gets her claws that deep into SS, she won't let him go because she knows that is her ultimate revenge against DH. 

ntm's picture

GUBM is the be-all and end-all. I think it takes a level of critical thinking skills that some are better at than others. DH’s adult daughters are severely lacking in that area. 

ESMOD's picture

I think it somewhat depends... some kids are very aware of their parent's limitations and still love their parent.  My SD's have no illusions really about their mother.. but they still love her.  They won't lend her money though..lol.

I think it is possible for kids to see the BS their PAS ing parent throws.. unfortunately there can be an awful amount of guilt and the kid can see negative consequences if the pas parent is sick enough to literally make loyalty to them a condition of their love or other benefits to the kid.

It also depends on the nature of the child... if your SS is generally a good kid and he still spends decent amount of time with you and your DH.. he won't be able to ignore the fact that some things his mom said are not true.

Then again..you never really know.  If mom punishes him enough for loving his dad he may withdraw.

young_step_mom's picture

I'm sure SS will never stop loving BM, even if he does eventually realize that she is a liar.  She definitely uses her love and affection to punish him, when he was here for Christmas she asked him to bring her back some donuts from a shop in our city.  Well the last day he was here she started texting him asking if he had bought her donuts.  SS said we hadn't and she started telling her he obviously didn't love her, and he hadn't missed her or thought about her the whole time he was with us.  It was ridiculous.

ESMOD's picture

sounds like my BM situation.  My YSD went on a day trip with my DH and I to Southern MD and BM called and gave her heck for being with us and told her she must love her dad more and then literally BLOCKED her number!!!  The girl was 19 at the time.. nice huh?

 

 

thinkthrice's picture

my skids are permanently PASed out.  Just checked my calendar and it's been almost 9 years since we've not heard one syllable or seen one hair of YSS 15.5.

Older skids are driving now and are young adults; the hatred is still strong. 

I also worked with a guy who refused to see his dad because of his mom's PAS campaign.  He was in his late twenties/early thirties at the time.  I think if the PAS gets ahold early on and campaigns 24/7 for a number of years, there is little hope for them to have an epiphany.

I know that is the dream that all alienated parents have but it's not reality according to my experience.   Chef's acquaintences are always telling him "there's always hope that they will come back."  I sincerely doubt it.  Chef set the dangerous precedent early on by letting the Gir take the reins and walk all over him (and me.)  Chef rarely tells anyone now that he actually has children.  It just doesn't come up.   Fortunately my well-raised bios have stepped up to the plate and accepted Chef.

Cover1W's picture

SD14 started asking DH why he and BM weren't together about 2 years ago.  He kept it non-committal in that they were not compatible.  He kept the truly awful behavior of BM quiet - in fact, to this day, he still doesn't know what happened as BM is not exactly a talker or one to actually communicate well at all.  He was very hurt and while the SDs know something happened they aren't sure what.  Well, until DH laid into SD14 around April becuase she just pushed him too far.  He told her exactly what happened and how BM behaved and how horrible she was during the divorce.  He didn't go into details, but IMHO, he did say a little too much.

SD14 ended up crying and crying all night.  Because she really didn't want to hear it. 

Then she ran back to BM who called DH and told him basically to 'shut up' about it and now SD14 has disappeared from our home.  Because she (likely) believes only BM who is very, very good at blaming DH for everything and making accusations about behavior that never happened.

So I don't think that SD14 will have a 'revelation' about it - BM is too good at the blame game for that and SD14 is learning very well from her how to avoid conflict and get what she wants. 

I only hope that this doesn't repeat with SD12.

strugglingSM's picture

We're more likely to end up like your co-worker. Right now, my SSs still enjoy spending time with DH, but they also ignore him when they are not around and they definitely don't see him as a parent and BM has convinced one that the divorce was DH's fault (in reality, she filed for divorce because she met someone else - they were both miserable, but BM never would have been able to be single). 

DH also believes that someday, SSs will see the truth and realize how manipulative and terrible BM is. For their sake I hope they do, because she already totally manipulates both of them - not just in relation to DH, but in relation to everything - and sooner or later her BPD victim routine will be directed straight at them.

My assumption is also that BM's current SO (they tell people they are married, but they are not actually legally married) will be gone as soon as he's gotten BM to pay for college for his child (BM's SS) or as soon as BM figures out that he's a fraud and using her just as much as she used DH (she would probably never want to admit that publicly, so she may just keep him around to avoid being outed). I did a google search on him and found an active dating profile, so I'm assuming he's already looking around for his next target. When that happens, SSs will be in trouble, because she won't be able to blame DH for that, so they'll be the only ones available for blame.