DH and I have been married going on 20 years. We each started this marriage with a child and added our own a few years later. Our marriage was quite unusual because his exwife actually introduced us. We actually co-parented pretty well together.
DS and SD are both 27 years old now and youngest DS is 17. So we have almost made it.
I noticed some issues when they were little, but blew them off. First she told her mom that DS would hit her (honestly not true) because she didn't want to come and visit. Then when they were about 10 DS tattled on her for something very minor and she lost it and started crying and get this never really talked to DS again. REALLY - she just acted like he didn't exist. When they were kids, I didn't force the issue because she was only with us for short periods of time. Well DS moved out at 19 but SD has continued to come every other weekend just as she has always done (since she was 6).
So last year she discovered she was pregnant. No big deal. Even though she was not married, she was 26 and had a descent job. Baby daddy wanted to be involved even though they were not together. I think this is where things started getting difficult. First of all - she was extremely immature for her age, still loved to watch Disney Channel and kid movies. Did not have a social life at all. She did not figure out she was pregnant until she was 31 weeks (not kidding). She is not a big girl and we did notice that she was putting on some weight, but definitely did not look pregnant. Now it was a HUGE surprise because she had no social life and was either at home, work, church or our house. So we all rallied around her and planned for this surprise in 9 weeks.
I bought a baby bed and put in her room at our house. My office threw me a grandparent shower and I had pretty much everything needed for the baby. I made sure that we always had formula, diapers and food so she wouldn't have to lug these items back and forth. As soon as he was born she started acting really hateful with me. She stopped texting me (usually she only texted me and I would tell her dad whatever he needed to know). When she would come over on "her weekends" she would pretty much sit on the couch and have her cell phone in her face. I refused to do everyday things like change the baby and sooth the baby because I felt that she was ignoring him. Now this is a first grandchild so we are all learning, but she works and he is in daycare and the weekends she is not at our house she is at baby daddy's mom's house (so she rarely has the baby alone).
So grandbaby is 16 months old and she is 27 and still at our house every other weekend. Now my youngest is older and has a job and gone some and my husband and I enjoy doing things with each other. Except we can't plan anything that falls on her weekend - like we are obligated to visitation. When she is at our home, she does nothing to help out at all. One weekend we took some pictures of the baby with his birthday cake and she went and bathed him. 2 weeks later the cleaning lady called me and said that someone had thrown up in the bathtub and she got sick - I had no idea what she was talking about. Then I realized that no one uses that bathtub except the baby and she had left all the cake in the tub. If we go out to eat - we pay, If I cook, she doesn't offer to clean the kitchen or anything. She just sits there. So last weekend (Fathers Day) I had made supper and cleaned up the kitchen (for the 2nd time that day). I was tired and mad. The next day we were hosting breakfast for all the fathers in my family (tradition). So when I walked out of the kitchen and said looked at her and said "tomorrow you can help clean the kitchen after breakfast". She didn't say anything until a few minutes later she popped up and said that her little brother could help and I looked at her and she was crying! I then asked her what her problem was and she proceeds to tell me that she is tired of me telling her what to do and that I talk down to her. I told her that if I didn't tell her to help she wouldn't do it. She then says that she shouldn't have to, because she is a guest! I was shocked. Her dad is sitting there shocked. So I asked her if she thought that she should come over and not have to do anything and her dad and I should just run around and pick up after her... She said "Yes!" My jaw literally hit the floor! She said that she was an adult and shouldn't have to be told to do anything. I explained that if she was an adult we shouldn't have to tell her to do anything. Then she looks at DH and says "I guess you haven't talked to her like you said you would!". So I looked at him with a puzzled look and he said that she was mad because I talked down to her 18 months ago (his exact words). Then she said she was leaving and that he could come and see the baby at her mom's house. She left. My husband then proceeds to tell me thanks because now he will never get to see the baby. Like this was all my fault.
I admit that I did probably talk "down" to her, but it was only because I watched her bring the baby over and give him a bottle instead of feed him all weekend (even though we had baby food), not bathe him all weekend, ignore him, and get mad at him because he was being a baby. About a month ago I didn't have any milk and instead of getting up and going to the store (less than a mile away) she gave him a cup of mellow yellow to drink. So it was hard to watch that and not say anything. If I made any comments she would just roll her eyes and give me a dirty look. But I do not feel that we are supposed to clean up after her and be at her beck and call. My husband has of course acted like it never happened (he avoids confrontation).
Oh when we told my oldest son about her expecting he was so excited, he ordered a whole bunch of stuff and had it sent to the house for her (he is a truck driver). He made a special trip home after the baby was born. She did not say 2 words to him the whole time, not even a thank you. So she has said less than 10 words to him in 17 years.
Sorry this is so long. I just needed to see if I did anything wrong? What do I do?