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Random observations from yesterday’s festivities

momjeans's picture

I was reluctantly around skid all day yesterday, because Father’s Day and a couple birthdays fell on the same day. 

- Skid has the confidence of an attention starved GUBM. 

- She is NEVER NOT talking. 

- She’s constantly trying to corral my 3 and 4 year old like she has some authority over them.

- She’s still the picky eater she has always been, despite telling me several times yesterday she has “changed ways” when it comes to her “not” being a picky eater.

- She’s stupidly argumentative with DH and his parents over silly, trivial things. I’d give a couple examples from yesterday if they weren’t so ridiculously stupefying.

- This is skid’s 5th summer visitation here and she still cannot stop inserting BM into every family gathering, conversation, holiday, or whatever. It’s not a matter of her missing her mom. She starts the day she arrives and it goes all summer. She brought up BM at least a handful of times yesterday at our house. My personal favorite from yesterday was when she VERY LOUDLY announced, only to MIL, across our large porch, and over a conversation already in process, “Hey Grandma, my mom just sent me a picture of my baby brother. Do you want to see it!?” To which MIL replies “How about you show the picture to your siblings sitting there right next to you?” I actually love when skid pulls this inclusive, MIL-is-the-only-person-in-the-room behavior (she did it a lot last Christmas), because you can hear MIL sink into her own throat and almost visibly see how much MIL wants to melt into the floor and slink away as if THAT did not just happen! 

- Skid is nosy. We had a BBQ yesterday at our house, so I was in and out a lot. I came into the house, several times, to find skid opening our medicine cabinet in the bathroom, opening the door to our office to poke her head around, loudly asking “what’s behind this door!?” while tapping on our bedroom door. Etc, etc, etc. 

- BM has finally arrived at being heavily invested in the physical appearance of her 11 year old. Skid had professionally groomed brows, filled in with pencil. Make-up on (thankfully, tastefully and minimally). Long fake nails. Oof. Here we go. A mini BM.

After everyone left, and DH and I were in the kitchen cleaning up, I asked him how felt about all the BM talk out of skid. Asked him if he felt it’s worth addressing. His usual response was a major buzzkill after an enjoyable day, for the most part.

”I don’t see what purpose it serves to tell skid to knock it off. To stop bringing up BM each and every time she’s here.”

I would have paid good money to see the look on my face. I think I muttered “Okaaaaay” and went off to bed. 



Iamwoman's picture

Oh no Momjeans!

I thought you were going to completely disengage from skid this summer and do fun things with just your own bios!

It sounds like the office door needs to be locked among other things.

If DH doesn’t want to deal with skid constantly talking about BM, then is it possible for you to grab your kids and go out whenever skid starts up with her crap?

Maybe if you do this a few times and leave DH to deal with it, he might actually get the hint and deal with it.

We have nosy skids too. It’s definitely annoying. To ease our feelings of privacy violations we have invested in locks and safes where anything nosy little children shouldn’t see is placed.

momjeans's picture

Thanks, Iamwoman!

Weirdly, I had hopes that yesterday, being Father’s Day and our youngest birthday, that cautiously engaging for the day wouldn’t be so bad. 

I mean, I did foresee how it would go, knowing very well that skid would constantly talk about BM, etcetera.

When I told DH this, he told me I shouldn’t have placed expectations on the fact that skid WOULD do that.

Well, she DID. So, there’s that.

Ugh. Lesson learned. I’m tapping the mat. I’m officially OUT of this trifecta of BS for the remainder of the summer.

beebeel's picture

Plant a huge, fake smile on your face and say, "That's nice" every time she mentions her mom. She is doing it to get under your skin. Show no fear!! Like a bloodhound, the second she sees a reaction in you, she wins and she will go for the jugular. So, "that's nice" smile, and walk away. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

^ SD5 still occasionally tries to use it as a power-move. BM has NEVER cared for her (obviously, been gone a dang year and it was weeks to months of no contact before that!), yet sometimes I'll tell her to knock something off and it's "my other mom lets me." Best response that shuts her up every time? "I don't care. We don't do that here." When she sees it's not a power move anymore, it's become less and less frequent.

momjeans's picture

ProbablyAlready..., my DH refuses to see this as a power move with skid. Yes - even as she gets older and creeps closer to being a pre-teen. 

I absolutely hate it and I don’t know how to address it further with him. Whenever we discuss it, he states “I just don’t see it as intentional or malicious behavior.”

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

If only he could look and see what it would be like if he shut her down! Bet you the whole home would be so much more happy!!!

I'm sorry you're dealing with this... I really lucked out with my DH being quick to fix that kind of behavior, and okay with me correcting it. It's a power-move, your DH is just too busy fawning over SD to realize...

momjeans's picture

If only he could look and see what it would be like if he shut her down! Bet you the whole home would be so much more happy!!!

This is basically what I tell him. That it doesn’t have to be like this - unhappy. He just doesn’t see it as a problem, I guess. He can’t or refuses to see how it is from my position. It’s like I’m the outsider when skid and his parents are in my home.  

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I hope he wisens up for you momjeans. i won't hold me breathe. But he needs to realize that it's YOUR home, not his parents, not even skid's (kids are tenants as far as I'm concerned, may be home, but they better be contributing and respecting the landlords!)

He's probably just blinded, no excuse, but I've noticed how half the time it's like they have these blinders on until the band-aids get forcibly ripped off by some crazy event.

thinkthrice's picture

Chef had a SERIOUS case of RCB.  He would always tell me "never mind" and "they're not your kids" blah blah whilst accepting the worst possible "human" behaviour ever!!

So that's why I took matters into my own hands and countered the skids' passive aggressiveness.

You know, endless tales about the BM, the spying, the asking leading questions, the dirty looks/stares when DH back is turned.

Fight fire with fire!

momjeans's picture

Thanks beebeel!

While I’ve mastered a non-reactionary face around skid, I DO need to implement the “That’s nice!” fake smile - so thank you for the reminder. 


Gimlet's picture

I employed this with OSS and his constant BM story telling.  When I got tired of that, I would ask him endless questions about his mom, to the point that he would get uncomfortable and stop it.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

since she does this to get to you is to ooze all over her with fake interest when she brings up BM. "Oh really, a picture of your new sibling? She's X months old now, isnt she? Can I see the picture? Let's show the picture to my bios. Come over here, DD! See the baby picture...?!"

If your SD doesn't like interacting you or your bios, this tactic works well. She makes the grab for attention by dropping the BM's name, and you flip the script by asking questions, showing interest, basically getting into her face in a socially acceptable way.


thinkthrice's picture

and I know this is not disengaging, you can have some fun by acting overly chatty when she mentions BM:

SD: "My BM does blah blah blah"

Momjeans: "Gee that's interesting--that reminds me of the time when I blah blah blah"  (make sure to go on endlessly and keep her in your vision so she can't get away from YOUR boring conversation)  Get creative--make up short stories as you go along.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

thinkthrice's picture

on one's gums can go only so far. 


theoldredhen's picture

OH, how I hated the prying! The reason that I finally discontinued writing in my diaries was because of my conviction that SD was successfully invading my privacy. No lock was great enough to keep that mini-snoop at bay.

In a turnaround of fate, I was clearing my computer’s deleted email files while performing a total reformat. What should emerge but a torrid love letter to a fella’ that SD had met on vacation!

For several years, she had been in an exclusive relationship with a young man from a moneyed background but her passionate and steamy letter made it clear that she had been très unfaithful.

Oh, serendipity, karma! She was standing over my shoulder, snooping as usual, when the email scrolled out! She became nearly hysterical, howling, “That’s mine, that’s MINE!” while grabbing the mouse out of my hand and shoving me off of my computer chair.

Never, before or since, have I experienced a retribution so deeply satisfying. Diablo

notasm3's picture

Get a whistle. Everytime you hear BM's name blow one short tweet.  Don't say a word.  Continue on with your conversation as if it never happened.  Repeat as necessary.  Make it a game.  Or else get a spray bottle.

StepMamaBear6's picture

How old is she?  Sometimes I think we project adult thoughts and feelings on a kid.  It is possible she is NOT doing it to annoy you.  Her mom is a huge part of her life.  It is natural for her to think about and talk about her mom and baby siblings even when they are not around.  My mom doesn't live with me and I talk about her all the time.  Whether I am with her or not, she is my mom and she is very important to me.  I am not sure you should attribute the fact that she is talking about her mom to any nefarious purposes.  Is it annoying?  yes!  Is it done to make you upset?  In my opinion, probably not.  If you don't like it, say to SD, "I know you love your mom and she is very important to you.  However, sometimes I get tired talking about her.  Can we talk about something that both you and I are interested in - like makeup or Katy Perry or xyz?"  Be honest but be kind.  Just a thought.