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Upgraded to evil SM status- and I don't care

I love dogs's picture

As an update to Tuesday's blog, my aunt called me back and asked if my cousin could come over. I had started dinner and said sure and invited aunt over for dinner. I sent SD a text that BM could drop her off because DH was still working. SD got here within 15 minutes. She said BM wanted her home by 9 and not a minute later. I told her DH can deal with that. Aunt texts about then and says that cousin decided to go to the mall with my stepsis instead. Fine, I told SD. She is disappointed, of course, and sulks in her room. A few minutes later, she informs me that BM wants her home NOW since cousin isn't coming. I say fine, tell her to come pick you up because DH wasn't home. SD was gone in 10 minutes.

The next day, Wednesday, I am out shopping with my girlfriend because we have an event on Saturday and were picking out outfits and accessories and went to dinner. SD texts asking if cousin can come over. I reply that, no, she can't and she can come over Friday or Saturday when they can have a sleepover and spend more than a few hours together. I get the "why not" text and I almost lost my cool. I reiterate that I am not home and that I am not available until Friday, ask DH. DH told SD to ask me. "But my uncle (BM's brother) is getting married this weekend and I am busy Friday- Sunday". I tell her that there are no exceptions to be made and she can spend ALL next week with cousin when it's her week with dad. I just get an "ok" text. But when she got her way the day before, it was "thanks, I love dogs!!". Brat.

Tonight I was invited to dinner at another girlfriend's house and plan to be gone most of the evening. I am going to reiterate this to DH and tell him to NOT tell SD to ask me sh!t. As a matter of fact, I want to tell him to never tell her to ask my for sh!t ever again. I'm secretly hoping that this pregnancy and baby makes her go back to bring here minimally, as horrible as that sounds. But I've accepted that nothing I do is good enough and I am prepared to embrace that. I am not SD's mother and never will be. I wanted family photos of the 3 of us before baby arrives, but I honestly couldn't care less anymore. SD didn't bother to ask if *I* had plans when she wanted to visit my cousin. Nope, just what can I do for HER. I'm done. For good. 

I honestly want to move a state away where my mom lives. She is more than willing to help with the new baby and I would love for her to be our baby's main caregiver, but I know it is unrealistic to move away from SD and wouldn't be fair to her or DH but a girl can dream. Thankfully DH is a very private person so I won't have to worry about SD knowing about the pregnancy until as late as possible and she won't be involved in any way. No invites to ultrasounds, no helping decorate the nursery, and she will NOT be at the hospital during delivery.


lieutenant_dad's picture

Um, why don't you tell your DH that HE needs to ask you if it is okay for SD to do something versus her asking you? You do realize that HE is setting you up for failure knowing full well that you'll tell her no and be the bad guy so he doesn't have to be, right?

"DH, from now on, don't have SD contact me if she wants something. YOU contact me. And don't tell her that you have to ask me, and if I say no, that I am the one who said no. We have to be a team, and if one of us says no, then it needs to be relayed to SD that WE BOTH said no. Otherwise, she is going to resent me, and I don't appreciate being the bad guy."

momjeans's picture

DH told SD to ask me.

This right here needs to stop. Like you said yourself - you are not her mother. In addition to you needing to start telling SD this, that you’re not her mom and perhaps she should, no, NEEDS to, seek out the help of her mom, you should start telling your DH this as well. Wring your hands before it’s too late. For reals. 

Wasn’t SD poopy about her mom having another child and not wanting to be around it much? Yeah, hopefully she’ll feel the same way with your child, but then again it could actually turn out worse, considering her and the baby share the same daddy. Ohhhh boy, I love dogs. I’d prepare thyself. 

I love dogs's picture

Yes she's poopy about everything lately unless it benefits her and, frankly, I'm sick of it. I know she's a preteen, but I don't give a damn anymore. If she so much as makes a nasty comment about our future baby or treats him/ her as less than, there will be Hell to pay.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

*Upgraded to the SM with reasonable boundaries and expectations.

You aren't being evil. Also it's reasonable to dream that difficult people will just leave you alone... I for one am hopeful once BM has her child she'll never darken our doorstep EVER again... Or that she'll move FAR away because she wants to be with GBM... A girl can dream I love dogs. I have moments where I want the skids to have more of a relationship with my sisters and brother (they adore eachother already, but 2500 miles is a lot of ground to cover every time they want to see them...) It would just be nice to be able to be closer to my family and friends. But I understand where you're coming from. We dream, but deep down we also know it's not going to happen, because we're being responsible.

I do however hope your future little baby gets a good relationship with your mom! 

momjeans's picture

Also, my DH pulls this with me, too, but in a slightly different way and with my MIL. 

I’ve noticed over the years that if DH doesn’t want to say “No” or be the bad guy, he’ll respond to his mom “Let me ask momjeans”. Then when *I* say “No” he can tell her just that. “Momjeans said no”. 

Removes all accountability. Convenient isn’t it? 


beebeel's picture

Grrrrrr! My DH does the same damn thing when he doesn't want to go to the in-laws!! Cowards lol.

thinkthrice's picture

reply:  "Because I Said So!"

The good old days when the adults word was the rule of law and you didn't have to get stuck in a "reasoning" loop with a kid.

I love dogs's picture

That's when I almost blew my lid.... In the thrift store! I am just going to ignore SD from now on with these requests. If I don't want to do something that I don't want to, I will ignore, ignore, ignore. And if DH can't facilitate these visits, I am washing my hands of them unless I want to make it happen!

secret's picture

I've used:

"What makes you think I need to justify my decision to you?"

or "What makes you think a child deserves a reason for a parent's decision?"

seems to have shut mine up.

I love dogs's picture

If I can't ignore it, I will definitely be using these! I am just an emotional, introverted person so I feel like I need to express my feelings. I definitely do NOT have to do that to a child anymore, however.

I love dogs's picture

I'm sure be thinks he's "doing the right thing" by referring SD to me because it's my cousin, but if he can't facilitate these visits, he is to NOT tell her to ask me jack. I am going to tell him this today and I will be serious.

secret's picture

You can also tell your DH :

It seems you're trying to avoid saying No to SD by telling her that I am the one to say no.