It's Been 2 Weeks and I Expect to Hear From Twit - Well Not Me, but DH
It use to be that eventhough I have disengaged, I would remind DH of his children's birthdays, etc. Well, I still do for the other two, but I purposely didn't remind him to call Twit and wish her Happy Birthday. As we say here on ST.....not my monkey, not my problem. Haven't heard from her belching about forgetting her Birthday but I am waiting. Trust me, she isn't going to fail.
So, I guess I do feel somewhat bad for not reminding DH, but then it is his Twit not mine. Hopefully when he gets either her histronics or what ever from her he will remember why we are staying FAR away from her. Always helps to remind him*biggrin*,
But there is always the hope that she gets the my message and leaves us totally alone. But then she wouldn't be Twit. You see it is okay for her to leave him out of events, holidays, etc.but you are in for a carp storm if you were to do it to her. Selfcentered cretin she is. And who knows, after all those times she never acknowledged DH's birthday or even Father's Day perhaps DH remembered and just figured the h*ll with her. Don't I hope.
Time will tell.
You'll hear from her!
Narcissists operate on a double standard. They are to be honored, adored, cherished and never forgottten. But there is never a two-way street. The only way you can win in this situation is to remain disengaged. If she does complain you can reply, "We don't want to make you feel obligated on our birthdays since it seems that is what you want." That way you can cut the almost certain Twit in 'victim mode' off at the pass.
Just curious - what does Twit do for YOUR birthday? My SD never did anything for my birthday and actually became angry if anyone wished me a "Happy Birthday". I quit reminding DH of her birthday and never noticed any difference. I still don't know if DH acknowledges her birthday and I don't ask.
Sandye, you ask what Twit
Sandye, you ask what Twit does for me on my birthday. The answer is NOTHING. Early on she would occasionally have us over for cake....the kind of cake SHE liked, but that was about it. So, as I figured.....turn about is fair play.
Haven't said a word to DH about missing Twit's birthday but eventually she will.
Have a question for you about narcisissts - Twit, when she talks, seems very informed on the lingo, things like passive agressive, unconditional love, etc. Things I might have known but were never a big thing in my vocabulary. Is that common with them or is that something they do to try to make everyone else seem the problem?
Also, must say I do get along with DH's other daughter very well now that we are closer in distance. She is intelligent, can hold a conversation, has interests outside of herself, no victimization and has a good grasp of things that go on in the world. Her grown childlren are in business for themselves or very gainfully employed; not the loesrs Twit has. Of course I am smart enough to never, ever say anything about Twit to her.
Oh, and as you know, the only time Twit knows her father is when she wants something, like when she wanted us to watch the dogs, or him to put in new windows for her etc. Other than that she has no time at all UNLESS she can look good to others in doing something.
As for her and her loser bunch, they are extremely secretive clique. There are a few things I really wonder about into what goes on down there, perhaps time will let it out.
Sometimes when I read my journals about what I dealt with, and how my health was failing, I can't believe it!
SDM, I'm no expert on nearcissists
Can't say I am an expert but have experienced narcissism with both SD and my Mother - and they both do things Twit does. They use all of the 'lingo' like passive agressive, unconditional love, etc., but always as it would apply to someone else. This is a manipulation tool to create self-doubt in others. If I don't give this person the auction item they were so wild about am I being passive aggressive?
You are supposed to give unconditional love to them. And if you fail to there is something wrong with you. They will tell you they were 'always fair' and was devoted to their children or parents - even though they and you know this not true. This is to imply that you have not been devoted child or parent to them. Don't you feel you guilty?
They will tell you how generous they are and send things you both know were on clearance for a reason. They go on and on about the thought they put into it. This means when you reciprocate you must consider their 'thoughtfulness' and make sure they are 'rewarded' for it.
The main thing to know is that you OWE them because they are so special. You OWE Twit recognition for her birthday even though yours 'innocently' slipped her mind. After all - she MEANS well!
Thanks Sandye - Sometimes I
Thanks Sandye - Sometimes I do doubt that I might have read things the wrong way, but then when I read what happened, what she said, I said, felt, etc., that goes away.
Though the counseling type talking confused me and, as you said, was no doubt intended to make me feel it was my fault not her's. Thankfully, it didn't go down that way. I believe that is one reason she keeps trying for a go at me is because I don't put up with her carp and she knows it. Oh well, she is far, far away.
But reading my journals from the 5 or 6 years we were around her sheds a lot of light into a lot of things. I just can't believe I went through all that Twit carp and survived and that DH and I survived together.
I just want to let you all
I just want to let you all know that....ta, ta, ta.....DH did remember Twit's b-day and purposely didn't contact her! Wowzer!
At lunch today he mentioned it to me. He remembered. He also went on to say he has had enough of her, that she has a serious problem and he no longer wants to deal with it. He said her BM couldn't deal with all the craziness which is why she was sent up to live with him....not that the BM is the best, but we all do the best we can.
This had to be one of the best talks I have ever had with him about Twit, though I am careful not to call her a flat out crazy loon. He told me he sincerely knows that I tried, tried and tried again to deal with her, but that I am of a practical nature where things have to be somewhat logical (I think that was a compilment). He said that was why when Twit would say something off the wall, or wasn't true, or totally bizzaro IMHO, he would just go along with it. He hoped I could do the same, but he knows it is very difficult. When I asked why he would always take her side on certain issues, he said he was just upset that I couldn't just let them go like he did, but he knows that I just don't operate like that. I guess I caught the mess from Twit when she told him I called her a liar (which I never did) and started a big brohaha.
Anyway, no more. That I needed to know she is his daughter and he will always love her, but she can't take out her "issues" (as he calls it) on me.
He is pizzed about the wedding nonsense too, but rather than put up with all the BS, which already started, he is just not going regardless of who did or didn't invite him.
He said that when she gets reved up about his not calling her for her B-day the carp is going to hit the fan and he is ready to put her in her place. Seems, that he talked with his oldest daughter who did get a save the day card, and a note from Twit that she wasn't going to invite DH. His oldest daughter told him that she refused the invite telling Twit she was not going to get into whatever web Twit was starting to spin, anyway she lives further away from Twit than we do. She told DH that she really likes me especially since we have seen more of each other etc. She also told DH that Twit had a wicked mouth where I was concerned. DH wouldn't tell me what was said except that the older daughter didn't like it. Though he did say she though the wedding was Twit's wedding, not the bride or groom's because Twit doesn't have any daughters, or so Twit said"
So, Twit has alienated her BM, now her older sister, and her brother and us too.
You know, right now I feel very sorry for Drunkie, and the bride to be. The groom and th 400lber are totally under Twit's thumb.
DH suggested to her that we all go up to Vegas the week of the wedding and have a good time. Gonna check into that.
You now, this wedding thing with Twit might have just been the straw that broke the camel's back (DH),
For What It's Worth,
you now have the truth about the whole wedding non-invite debacle. I hope your DH adjusts his sails accordingly.
You've survived, no, triumphed over a prolonged attack from a mentally disordered adult. She almost broke up your marriage, but you and your DH are now stronger than ever and living far away from the toxicity. You're winning! Having your DH validate the truth about Twit must be a very nice cherry on that sundae.
Thanks Julie - DH is strong
Thanks Julie - DH is strong for now, but he has his ebbs and flows about Twit. He tends to forget, sadly. Well, maybe not forget, but hope springs eternal as they say.
I was feeling develish the other day and thought about lettingTwit know that WE knew the whole deal about the wedding etc. My first thinking was that it would make her feel bad. But then I realized that Twit would not feel bad, she would feel good that she accomplished what she set out to.....us, mainly me, feeling awful about it. Better to let her and her mental defect stew in their own juices because it will drive her nuts (more than she is now) because she isn't getting a response from us.
I agree SDM
You are such a wise woman! Thanks for teaching me so much that I can use in my life. Yes, the best thing you can do is what you are already doing. With your silence and lack of involvement in Twit's continual drama you are demonstrating that you are above it.
One time I met a man who was a relative of my BIL's. He fancied himself an intellectual. He insisted on playing a board game, and all through the game he gloated at every small victory. The game went on and on without any foreseeable end. I could see I was destined to lose and said I was done. The man became irate. The man was so insecure that his ego and self-worth depended on winning a silly board game! I guess he thought he was punishing me by not wanting to be around me but he actually did me a favor.
From what you have written about Twit it is obvious she flatters herself as someone who has the talent to get what she wants. It doesn't matter how irrational she is as long as the final objective is met. When you moved away from Twit she must have been livid as she was losing control. When she arrived at your security gate, she was confident that she would be able to access your home whenever she wished but you let her know otherwise. Excluding you from the wedding is her way of punishing you for daring to take away the control that feeds her ego. The same applies to ordering you to send a gift. Good going!
Oh Sandye, the thought of
Oh Sandye, the thought of writing that was oh so tempting so I wrote it in my journal instead. Sending her something would only freak her out and her anger etc. at me, and DH would rightfully be peeved with me also. I have to remember not to feed the cretin.
My wife in some ways is like your DH
For years she would go through a cycle of tightening then easing up on the SpermClan. Any positive would generate a "they are better now" stance from my wife and she would ease up on the controls she had put in place when they stepped out of line. It was about an 18-24mo cycle. It wasn't until I sat down and reviewed the ongoing repeated cycle with her that she finally quit "giving them the benefit of the doubt" and kept her proverbial foot on their throats. Our lives became much easier and she was much less stressed if she did not give them the opportunity to perpetrate their usual toothless moron drama.
I hope that your DH has found final clarity regarding his daughter. For both your sake and his.
Hi Rags, thanks for that
Hi Rags, thanks for that insight. So true about the cycle. As I say, I think right now DH is still in the all hope springs eternal stage DARN. Twit will push the limit, tee everyone off, then go quiet for a time....then, as with your wife's brood, call up and be nicey, nicey like nothing ever happened. No apology, nothing. DH can still be foolish enough to start back dealing with her again. Then, WHAM, she does some more carp and we are back at step one. And the cycle would repeat.
Right now he is really teed off about this wedding nonsense although, hold your breath, he did say to me it might just be a mistake! Mistake Hell, I told him, it was deliberate and you and your other daughter confirmed it. I think that thinking from him was to try to alleviate the hurt....heck, any Father, Grandfather would be hurt by the carp Twit pulls. And, sadly, she pulled the ex-Marine back into her web when he got out of the service, so you can say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
You know Rags, rereading your
You know Rags, rereading your comments, and mine, made me think that this "cycle" is the same as an abuser's cycle. Do something really terrible, never apologize or admit, then get nice for awhile and when the other party starts to think things have changed....WAM! It starts all over. The only way this type of cycle gets broken is when the party being abused leaves and doesn't look back. As they say, nothing changes if nothing changes.
Absolutely
"As they say, nothing changes if nothing changes." or in other words... insanity is doing the same things over and over again while expecting a different result.
I just pull the plug. I don't feel guilty, though while I may miss parts of the relationship I had with that person I tend to stay the course and let them fade in importance in my life. I quit making an effort and they rarely ever made or make one other than to be toxic. So... I let them rot on the vine so to speak