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SASX's picture

I got into an argument with FDH last evening. Man cannot comprehend where I am coming from and apparently per him I am just being unreasonable.

This is his year to have Thanksgiving and Christmas with his kids. BM had them last year and flat refused to share. Those were "her days". Okie doke. Flash forward to this year, and she is throwing herself a pity party that she isn't going to see 'her kids' for the holidays.

FDH and I talked about the schedule months ago. Thanksgiving with his family. Christmas with mine. That meant leaving here on Christmas eve day, spending that evening and the next morning with my family (first time they will meet his kids- and yes, they already bought presents for them).

This is "BM's week" so we have the kids, per the CO, Wed/Thurs. BM gets them back at 8am on Friday. But she made "plans" with the kids to go see the new Twilight move at 9pm Thursday night. FDH states he is sick of her making plans on his time: but here she is making plans on his Holiday time his attitude is "Here let me roll over, just be nice and use some lube please".
NM that she has the kids, Mon, Tues, Fri, Sat, Sun and could see this same movie on any of those days. Nope, has to make those plans on his time.

Then BM starts in about Christmas. We have them Xmas eve and day. She gets them the 26th per the CO (and it was reversed last year). So FDH knows we have plans to go out of town, he already had her sign the paperwork approving it as we are leaving the county. Then tells her last night she can have the kids xmas eve, bring them to him at 8pm.

My comment to him was: Well have a Merry Christmas. Guess I will see you on the 26th. DD and I are leaving to my families house at 8AM on the 24th. Its a 5 hour drive. No, your not getting your kids at 8pm, and arriving at my elderly MOTHERS house at 2am and waking her up. And if you wait until the next morning to leave, it is not worth the trip. (Drive 5 hours, to spend 2-3 hours then drive 5 hours back).

He says he needs to take BM's feelings into consideration because they are her kids too. Really: how much consideration did she give you last year?

DH: I am trying to build bridges here. I am not going to keep them from her just to be an ass.

Me: No, but you can be an ass and break your plans with me. Because apparently it's ok to not take my feelings and DD's feelings into consideration - so long as your exwife is happy and content.

DH: I can't make everyone happy here.

Me: Nope, you can't. So you have a decision to make. Who do you want to make happy. I make you this promise. I am keeping the plans we made. DD and I will be leaving at 8am on the 24th. You and your kids will either be with us, or we will see you on the 26th. Your choice. I also promise you this, if you leave me and your future inlaws hanging, after making plans with us, to appease your exwife, you can be assured we will not be making future plans that include you.


Unfreakingreal's picture

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I will never understand why men feel that they need to keep the EX happy instead of the WIFE. Leave with your daughter and enjoy your Xmas with your family. Let him stay behind and spend it alone. Hell, maybe he should go to the BMs house and spend it with them. What an asshole, I'm mad for you.

SMof2Girls's picture

Ugh this really sucks .. I tell DH all the time that the only reason BM continues to try and bully her way into getting what she wants, is because at one point, he let her win.

It doesn't end until he puts his foot down and sticks to it. And even then, it's still a fight almost every time.

What is it about these ex's that makes these mens' balls shrivel up?

RedWingsFan's picture

Oh yes, the "I can't make everyone happy" - you know what I told DH when he pulled that with me? "BM had 15 yrs with you for you to 'make her happy'". You're not married to her anymore. Therefore; your obligation to her is gone. You are now married to me so your obligation is to me, as mine is to you. You don't see me bending over backwards to make my ex husband happy do you?"

He got it. His eyes were opened. Otherwise, he'd STILL be paying her damn car insurance years after he told her he was done helping her out.

STAND YOUR GROUND! I cannot say this enough to everyone on this site. Truly, your feelings matter and they count. So sorry DH can't please everyone, but his obligation to the ex is non existent now that they're divorced. He doesn't NEED to make her happy. He needs to follow the court order, period.

If he gives up the holiday with you and your family, that's awful selfish of him to put his ex wife's feelings in front of yours. Besides, she got them last year and I'm sure this wasn't an issue for her!

RedWingsFan's picture

Thanks. Like I said, a little common sense goes a long way! At least with my DH anyway.

It's almost like he's got blinders on. I remove them for him and then he gets to SEE! He's thanked me for so much over the past couple of years. He no longer bows down to his child, his ex, his father, his brother. He was the doormat. Everyone walked on DH. He allowed everyone to rule him. I came along and fresh off being controlled by the ex husband for 8 yrs, had found MY inner Detroit Attitude. I taught him that he has one too and he should live life for HIMSELF. He's never been happier!

Anywho78's picture

I've had this SAME "making everyone happy" conversation with my SO...many times. Sadly for him, he "gets it" then forgets's a vicious cycle but he always comes around & remembers that he's...well...a bit of a dumb ass Wink

My man as well finds himself happy as a clam when he's in his "got it" phase. Nothing like a strong man who has full ownership of his backbone & who knows how to treat the MOST IMPORTANT woman in his life!

RedWingsFan's picture

I have to gently remind him of his priorities sometimes. He'll let someone (mostly Stepdevil) guilt him into something and then he's all "But I just want her to be happy" - well, DH I'm sorry but it's NOT YOUR JOB to make anyone happy but yourself!!!!!!!!!!" She's not 2, she's 14. Teenagers are generally not happy people. Why must you bear the burden of her ultimate happiness???? QUIT being so damn guilty. Your parents didn't LIVE to satisfy you did they????????? NOPE. And yet, here you are, 38 yrs old and happy as you've ever been. Do you have your parents to thank for that? Ummm, nope!

Anywho78's picture


This is a conversation that I'm sure most of us have had with our SO/DH's. For some, it sounds like they haven't won & for others, they have made their SO's see the errors of their ways.

The way you put it to your FDH was PERFECT! If he doesn't realize what he's doing after your little chat with him, I don't know that he ever will. What is important is that you stick to YOUR plans with YOUR family. His decision will hopefully sway to your side as Christmas draws near & he sees you aren't bluffing.


oldone's picture

I made it crystal clear to DH that if he EVER put BM (or any other woman) before me he will be lucky to leave the marriage with his "boy parts". Because in my home elevating another woman especially an ex wife above me is cause for ending the marriage. We had that conversation up front.

Go read on one of the infidelity sites about emotional affairs. A man does not have to insert his penis to "cheat". Any time another woman is first in your marriage (especially an ex sex partner) you are totally screwed.

One thing that DH has learned about me that I am a very black and white person. He and his previous two wives had separations, reconcilations, etc. I told him never to expect that with me. When I am done I am DONE. Learned that the hard way in my youth. He believes me.

oldone's picture

Yes! If a man does feels like he needs to make another woman happy at my expense he is NOT the man for me. Wish I'd figured that out a couple of decades earlier in life.

TASHA1983's picture




Willow2010's picture

He says he needs to take BM's feelings into consideration
I’m sorry…but I am still too floored over this comment, to give an intelligible response or advice. WTH did your DH say after you told him he better shape up?

I could see taking the kids feelings into consideration, BUT NOT BM!!!!

Aislinn81's picture

Give them an inch and they take a damn mile...every single time.

DH tried to pull that crap the other day, he was going to let BM give him debit card transactions instead of the actual recipts. I said no. He responded "Well we would just let her do it THIS ONE TIME." freaking won't. Because ONE time sets a precidence with that stupid bitch that she can do it EVERY time. And then she throws a hissy fit when you make her go back to the court order that she FORCED us to spend 10k just to get. She can suck it. We are following the court order and THAT IS FINAL.

BM won't take the same consideration for DH, EVER. And next year, she'll screw him just as hard as she did the year before. You can't build bridges with a crazy BM, it just doesn't happen. He needs a swift kick to the ass.

Lauren B's picture

I just wanted to say that I think your response to him was absolutely 100% spot on. Kudos to you for setting a boundary and sticking to it.

I am sure I will need to say it to SO at some point. I have probably needed to say it in the past an didn't know how.

Thank you for putting into words what I couldn't.